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Physically distant rude stepkids and stepgrandkids

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 68 Replies

I have been blessed in not having to deal with many step issues because my DH and I married after our kids were adults. While most now live out of state, we do visit them and have them visit us regularly. DH and I married 10 years ago, when the youngest of all was 19. 

It is interesting to me, then, that my adult stepkids, and now their children, do not acknowledge that I exist during any holidays, unless they are spending the holidays at our home. Although we send all of them birthday gifts and cards each year, I don't think one of them knows when my birthday is , they never acknowledge mine. That's no big deal. It's every Christmas that I find cards around the house that have been mailed to DH, and only to DH, wishing him a Merry Christmas.  I'm assuming that gift cards are included (I haven't asked). No mention of me.  The "kids" are specific enough that they write his name (Dad or Grandpa) on the cards so there is no mistaking that these cards are for the both of us.  

I do not have best friend type relationships with any of his kids, but I have always thought of the relationships as friendly and I have always enjoyed our visits. I am not aware of anything I have done that has hurt the kids. Even more, I have been the person who has shopped for them on birthdays and before Christmas, and I think by the very type of gifts, they have an idea of who has picked out gifts.  

I wasn't brought up like this. In my family of origin, we always acknowledged everyone who married into the family, including those who married in under more negative circumstances (like affairs). We didn't have to be best friends with them, but we certainly didn't snub them every holiday.  My kids and grandchildren treat DH like he is part of the family, and always have (the more the merrier). My grandkids call him Grandpa X.  (I am referred to by my first name by stepgrands.) 

I'm just venting about this here because I found yet another Christmas card today in our bedroom. Not even mentioning that I saw it to my DH. This has gone on for 10 years now.  

Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 3, 2018 at 1:30 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jan. 3, 2018 at 1:34 PM
4 moms liked this
Not everyone feels the same way about second spouses. We don’t really acknowledge DHs dad’s current wife, but there are very good reasons for it. Since they were adults when you married, it’s likely they just feel zero attachment to you.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 3, 2018 at 1:36 PM
2 moms liked this


Quoting Anonymous 2: Not everyone feels the same way about second spouses. We don’t really acknowledge DHs dad’s current wife, but there are very good reasons for it. Since they were adults when you married, it’s likely they just feel zero attachment to you.

Apparently so. But, hell, even strangers say, "happy holidays!" to one another, right? :) 

StonesGirl66
by Member on Jan. 3, 2018 at 3:53 PM
Sorry but you are the woman that their father married. I totally understand this. What gives you the right to expect anything from them? It's not unheard of for Dad's to buy their children (even adult ones) birthday and Christmas gifts. He'd buy them whether he married you or not.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Jan. 3, 2018 at 3:58 PM
6 moms liked this
Don't pick out any more gifts for them. Let your DH handle everything going forward, picking out gifts, wrapping them, giving cards, etc. Tell your DH that you're tired of them ignoring you while you're putting in the work. Your DH should understand if he respects you.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Jan. 3, 2018 at 4:19 PM
2 moms liked this
They were adults when you and your dh got together, they have no attachment and no obligation to you. I doubt they are intentionally leaving you out to hurt your feelings, they probably don't think of you at all, actually. Quit buying them stuff, get back on equal footing.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Jan. 3, 2018 at 4:38 PM
Your husband's children were adults when you married. If you expected some kind of Brady bunch type relationship you won't get it. Let me give it to you from the kid's point of view.

My dad's GF is nice but we have nothing in common other than my dad. She and my dad started dating when I was in my early 30s. I don't even know her birthday and I have no desire to be BFF with her. All that matters to me is that my dad is happy. I am no Mama's girl and I am not a daddy's girl either. I'm not throwing tantrums over it and she didn't "steal my dad" but there has been significantly less contact with him since they started dating until last year when he had a health scare.

My sister on the other hand is up the gf's ass and has stated on quite a few occasions that she would have no problems calling her mom. Our mom is not dead. My sister and Mom are very close, the talk quite a few times a day. My other sister is also very close to the gf but she was instrumental in their getting together and moving in together.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 6 on Jan. 3, 2018 at 4:42 PM
1 mom liked this
I would do nothing for their birthday or holidays.
Curlymom234
by Bronze Member on Jan. 3, 2018 at 4:45 PM
1 mom liked this
My mother and stepfather got together when I was 18 and I can’t imagine leaving him out. He’s part of her life and part of the family. My step siblings don’t acknowledge my mother or myself though. My advice is to just leave them alone. No more birthday or Christmas gifts from you either. That’s what my mom did.
astheworldspins
by Bronze Member on Jan. 3, 2018 at 4:56 PM
1 mom liked this
Why hasn't your husband said anything to them? You don't need to be best friends, but they clearly need a basic course in manners. They're rude and I personally would make dh handle their gifts and crap after that. Your his wife, not some random stranger.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 3, 2018 at 5:19 PM


Quoting StonesGirl66: Sorry but you are the woman that their father married. I totally understand this. What gives you the right to expect anything from them? It's not unheard of for Dad's to buy their children (even adult ones) birthday and Christmas gifts. He'd buy them whether he married you or not.

You misunderstood my vent. It's not at all about gifts FOR them. Your response makes no sense. 

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