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How do I move on from this???

Posted by on Jan. 20, 2018 at 7:08 AM
  • 14 Replies
Ever since I could remember my mother and I have never had a close or real meaningful relationship...because there's big issues between us that is stuck with us that won't go away or can't move on from.

BIG ISSUE #1: I was five when I was molested by my mother's bf's teenage son in my bedroom that I shared with my siblings while my mother was 10 to 15 feet away entertaining her bf. I like to think she knew what he was doing to me because she never gave him any boundaries or restrictions in our home, she basically gave him permission to do whatever he wanted while he was in our home and when he would molest me, he would close the door. I never told anybody because I didn't understand what was going on, I didn't understand what happened and I was too busy being sad that my dad moved out.

BIG ISSUE #2: when I was 11/12, my parents finally started the process of getting a divorce and that's when we(brother and I) moved in with my dad because apparently my mother either had a nervous breakdown or threatened to kill us/ became suicidal. It was maybe 5 or 6 months of living with my dad when I started my period for the first time and I was terrified. I thought I was dying or sick so I immediately told my dad and he automatically knew what was going on so he dropped my brother off at our house(we were at a family friends's party with a bunch of adults and their kids at the time) and took me to the store to get pads. When we came back home, he sent my brother to his room and he gave me the TALK. He told me I'm not dying or sick, that I started my period which is completely normal and a good thing because it means that someday I can have a baby someday and that my body will be changing and not to be scared. He told me I can call my mother for a mother-daughter moment( he would never let us talk to her because he was protecting us from her) I called her so many times and not once did she pick up the phone that I had to call her best friend who then talked to me about becoming a young woman but by then it was after 10 pm. The next morning I woke up with painful cramps that my dad asked the neighbor ladies to help to me because I was scared, alone and in alot of pain that I had to lay in bed for 2 days after that. My mother didn't call until a couple of days later and honestly I wasn't in the mood to talk to her but my parents started arguing over the phone about me because my dad was very disappointed in my mother that in my time of need for her she didn't bother to pick up when I called her and that she only called when she heard what happened to me by her best friend and waited a few days to call. Later when I was feeling better, my dad gave me the SEX TALK and that's when I realized I was molested. My mother found out my dad gave me the sex talk and was furious because sex was none of my business. My mother didn't know about the molestion until I was like 15 or 16 because I realized it I was in shock and thought it was my fault plus starting my period too. I couldn't deal with it all at once so as much as my dad wanted to report to the courts he didn't because he wanted to protect me from being traumatized. When I did tell my mother, she thinks I wanted or went looking for it and that it was my fault. My mother never once took me to the store for pads or tampns, gave me the period talk or the sex talk, she never once made me feel like I special, young woman or her daughter that needed her but instead had a priest do it which made me feel really uncomfortable that I felt naked.

These are the biggest issues I have towards her so I'm very hesitant to allow her around my son and my baby due in February so I posted "possible delivery room drama" a couple days ago.
Sorry if the post was so long...
by on Jan. 20, 2018 at 7:08 AM
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Replies (1-10):
lucky2Beeme
by Bronze Member on Jan. 20, 2018 at 7:49 AM

You will never get passed what happened. What you can do is not let it be front and center in your heart or head. She isn't worthy of that space. Fill your heart and head with good things. I personally wouldn't have her near my kids. Has your life been ok without her ? What besides pain and drama would she bring to the relationship ? Do you really want and need her ? Do you think your children do ? Huge hugs Im sorry for all she has put you through.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Jan. 20, 2018 at 8:13 AM
None of it was your fault.

You need to learn how to forgive them over what happened. There Is no way to change the past.


Xoxoxox.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jan. 20, 2018 at 8:43 AM

"How do I move on from this???"   Seek therapy

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Jan. 20, 2018 at 8:51 AM
none of this should have happened to you. Please realize it is most likely that your mother has mental illness preventing her from rational, empathetic thoughts and decisions. She is the one with issues and her neglect of you is not a reflection of your worthiness. She needs help. Speaking with a counselor may help you cope with the past.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Jan. 20, 2018 at 5:39 PM
If my mom thought I wanted or asked to be molested, much less at 5 flipping years old, she would be out of my life. Sick fuck!
Sorry, sounds harsh, but she has no excuse.
andrea.jordan
by Member on Jan. 20, 2018 at 5:52 PM
Thankfully I do therapy, therapy gives me a sense of peace

Quoting Anonymous 2:

"How do I move on from this???"   Seek therapy

DensHag
by Bronze Member on Jan. 20, 2018 at 6:00 PM
You have two opportunities in life for a Mother-child relationship...the one with your Mom and the one with your own kids. I think you realize that she’s just not a good mother. But that doesn’t define YOU. Just do what you know is right with your kids and let her be.

She’s baggage on your mind right now...let it go for your own sanity and well being. She is what she is and is not going to change. So you have to accept that.

I think therapy would be helpful, it was for me. I have issues with my parents too, so I know kind of how you feel. It’s taken me a while but I just have no delusions now about them and I’m much happier.

Good luck, I hope you find some peace.❤️
SaskMummy
by Bronze Member on Jan. 20, 2018 at 6:03 PM
If your mother really did not k own it’s not her fault.. HOWEVER that does not minimize what happened to you! I am so sorry that happened to you.

Your mother was never there for you period so of course you have resentments.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Jan. 20, 2018 at 6:10 PM

none of that is your fault. but you really should go talk to someone( therapy).  that would very good for you. another thing( not 100 percent sure- and it doesn't hurt to ask). but if you can press charges - i would.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 6 on Jan. 20, 2018 at 6:15 PM

Pretend she is dead and walk away.  Your mother probably isn't capable of giving you what you need.  It is like asking a blind person what color to paint something.  She can't do it.  Stop looking to her to fix something too big for her to handle.

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