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Issues with grandmother

Posted by on Jan. 27, 2018 at 2:21 PM
  • 55 Replies
Hi everyone, I’m new here. I recently delivered a new born, and been dealing with issues with my mother and have nowhere else to turn. This is so very long that I guess I’m just venting.

My mom announced that she was coming for the birth, and that she would be staying 3 months total. She asked how early she should come, I suggested a week or two before my due date, she announced she was coming a month ahead of due date and that was that. Upon arrival she wasn’t really helpful. She didn’t help cook, clean, take care of the dog etc. she did help with some specific household things but only when myself or hubby asked for help. She was going to organize the nursery, but once I showed her the guide I wanted to follow (from Pinterest) she lost interest. She literally said “that looks complicated” and then had nothing else to do with the nursery.

She was in the room for the entire delivery and stood behind the doctor, so she saw my baby enter the world. She saw the baby before I even did. (later on she even told me how awful my hemmorhoids looked)

The baby was born with some health issues, that are requiring us to take stringent precautions until she’s old enough for surgery. The doctors and nurses spoke to us privately in the hospital and said that my mom cannot be around the baby because she has an active cough. We explained that she traveled to be here with the baby etc. but the medical team insisted that until surgery, the baby is high risk for complications if she gets sick, and will require invasive procedures if she gets a fever for ANY reason (even ear infection, or colds) they stated even though my moms cough is chronic and noninfectous, she can get a cold at any point, and she won’t know it until she’s been coughing around the baby in her infectious stage. After much back and forth the doctors finally said she can be around the baby but must wear a mask at ALL TIMES absolutely no exceptions, should not enter the babies sleeping area, handle baby feedings, should wash hands prior to touching baby etc

We explained all of this to my mom. Yet she wanted argue with us about it. The doctors don’t know everything, their guidelines don’t make sense, if she knew she just wouldn’t have bothered to come, we have all these restrictions for her but our pets are allowed to roam freely. She also kept “forgetting” to wash her hands and wear a mask. Over and over. I told her she’s putting her feelings above maintaining the well being of a newborn that was born with health issues. She was doing it deliberately. On one occasion hubby reminded her of the doctors guidelines, and asked her to put on a mask. She said “ok” then stared at him very aggressively maintaining eye contact. She sat there and made it clear that although she agreed, she wasn’t going to put one on. Hubby then asked her “can you put one on now?” And she flipped out, said we’re picking on her and all kinds of crap. That she’s raised 4 kids, and my husband barely has one and he wants to be telling her what to do etc. then she stormed downstairs crying. (Btw she cried every time we discussed the restrictions with her) a huge fight ensued with me and her, and she told me “by the time this is all said and done, the only family you have is going to be your husband and the baby” (implying that my she, my father, and 3 siblings will abandon me) she also was trying to plant seeds in my mind to cause friction and make me fearful of my husband. Warning me not to let him become abusuve, telling me he’s going to leave me and take my child away from me etc. I consider this all to be emotional warfare on a susceptible postpartum mother.

Those fights were daily for the two weeks after my baby was born. Finally hubby and I decided she was too disrespectful and too stressful to have around, and we were tired of the emotional abuse. So I told her this trip is not a good idea right now and we should cut it short. I paid to change her ticket to leave earlier and that was that. She then told me that my father and Nephew wouldn’t be coming for Xmas as planned, because they didn’t want to get the flu/tdap shots...before she left I withdrew $1600 cash for her, the total cost of their wasted tickets to fly here

My brother was scheduled to visit me a few weeks later. Before my mom left she was telling me he shouldn’t come, he’s not willing to get the flu shot or tdap booster either (which was our requirement for being around the baby) etc. she worked on me until I was saddened and upset enough to say that now isn’t a good time for him to come and that i’d Give him back his money for the wasted ticket too. She then printed out his itinerary and circled the price for me. I ended up being so broken down that I didn’t act on this right away. When I did talk to my brother he told me he’d gotten the flu shot and his tdap booster! He did end up visiting. My mom was long gone. While here he privately told me that our mom was telling him so many bad things about us, the way she was treated, and how we were going to treat him the same way, that he shouldn’t come, etc. he says he told her “no that isn’t going to happen, I’m going to visit and I’m not going to have any issues”. He says he told her that but in reality he was scared to come, and felt apprehensive 😔 and then he arrived and saw that everything was fine. This was when I first realized my mom was manufacturing discord. (Making both my brother and I upset at each other to prevent his visit)

After my brother left I confided to my sister over the phone that the visit with our mom went very poorly and that I was feeling very broken emotionally. After describing some of what happened, my sister (who btw was shocked!) revealed that our mom has been saying very very malicious and hateful things about all of us. (me, hubby, baby, doctors, inlaws, etc) she even said that our mom stated “she thinks the baby is a girl, but can’t swear on it, because she wasn’t even allowed to change a diaper”. This woman who looked at my newborn with her own eyes as she exited my body, she heard the doctor say “here’s your beautiful baby girl”, is going around maliciously casting doubt to my family that there is some conspiracy with the babies gender. I am so shocked and deeply deeply hurt. All of this I independently verified by talking to all 3 of my siblings separately. The brother that visited says my mom would call and talk shit, then warn him not to tell me. My other brother confirmed he was told the same things, but defended our mother because he sees her perspective supposedly. He also said I need to question the motive of whoever shared this info with me, because they’re just being divisive. I told him no, him covering up and keeping this hateful behavior makes him complicit.

My brother (that visited) and sister both say our mom did lots of the same things when their kids were born and she visited. Announced she was staying a month, undermined their decisions as parents, undermined their decision to breastfeed, cried and moped around when she couldn’t bully or intimidate them into doing what she wanted, made multiple threats to leave early, ultimately left early. My brother said that with both his kids, she came for a month,followed this pattern, then left after a week.

Btw my mom has talked crap to me about my siblings for years. We’ve been conditioned to tolerate it and not reveal it. I guess now it’s my turn on the receiving end. What’s most upsetting is realizing how she’s maintained control of our relationships with each other. Our relationships ebb and flow at her will. She’s manipulated huge fights both on her behalf, and also between us for personal reasons.
( for example one weekend when I was in college and planning to visit my sister. she called me crying the morning I was supposed to leave. Begging me not to go because she dreamed that my sister was going to harm me. Either with poison or something else, but that I wasn’t safe....this scared me and I didn’t go)

Sorry for rambling I’m just so broken. My mom (before I discovered what she’s been doing) called me angrily to say she’s not satisfied with her visit to see the baby, and I need to pick a date for her to return. Quite frankly she’s not welcome back in our home at this point and in the forseeable future. I don’t trust her, and she is not deserving of my trust. I’ve confronted her about her malicious behavior, and she initially denied it, then admitted it- and reinforced her position and stood by everything she said. Even the stuff about the babies gender.

I feel so lost and lost powerless. I know I need to maintain healthy boundaries because she obviously doesn’t care about our wellbeing in any capacity. It’s just so hard. She is a master manipulator, knows us all well, and tailors her approach to exploit our individual weaknesses.

If by chance anyone has read all this, thank you for listening. Feel free to offer your thoughts, i would appreciate insight from individuals outside my family
by on Jan. 27, 2018 at 2:21 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by Anonymous 1 on Jan. 27, 2018 at 2:27 PM
2 moms liked this
Way too long.

In general don't let people do anything you don't want them to. If they don't like it, too bad.
by on Jan. 27, 2018 at 2:32 PM
3 moms liked this
Narcissist mother. Just stay away from her
by Member on Jan. 27, 2018 at 2:44 PM
I’ve been reading up on this, yes. Thank you
by Member on Jan. 27, 2018 at 3:28 PM
1 mom liked this

That's rough. I'm not sure I'm not on the end of something like this; my mother is dead and none of my siblings are speaking to me. You're lucky in that you're seeing this coming. Best recommendation is to keep in touch and on good terms with your siblings.  Make sure they know that your relation with your mother is separate from your relationship with them. Then set whatever boundaries with your mother that you need to survive and prosper.

by Anonymous 2 on Jan. 27, 2018 at 3:33 PM
You know what you need to do....but you’re not going to do it. You’re too broken at this point.
by on Jan. 27, 2018 at 3:37 PM
3 moms liked this
Cut your mom out of your life but make sure to keep talking to your siblings. She didn't care about your daughter and would have blamed you if your baby girl had wound up sick. She could have caused the death of your hold and blamed you. She's a psycho. Keep your family safe from her.
by Bronze Member on Jan. 27, 2018 at 3:40 PM
5 moms liked this
Cut her off indefinitely. Don't answer calls, texts, messages and block her from social media. She has zero regard for your child's safety and she could give two shits about you. She's gonna try to guilt you and make you feel awful but stand firm.
by Anonymous 3 on Jan. 27, 2018 at 3:45 PM
1 mom liked this
You cut her off. That's all you do because she will NEVER change. My mil is somewhat like this and when I realized that she won't change, I stopped interacting with her and have been much happier. Dh just recently did the same thing with her. I'm sorry but her feelings are not more important than your sanity and health of your baby.
by Bronze Member on Jan. 27, 2018 at 3:50 PM
1 mom liked this

She sounds unhinged and like she needs to be cut off. 

However, after reading the entire thing I have to question some of the recommendations......someone with a cold is contagious days before symptoms, so your mother having a chronic cough doesn't matter. Just like you and your husband handling the baby will not prevent her from becoming ill as you would be contagious for days prior with no symptoms. The flu shot is not effective this year and the DTap Booster has been shown to not be very effective either. These are not doctors who are not keeping up with the latest research or giving you bad information. Keep that in mind going forward. 

by New Member on Jan. 27, 2018 at 3:50 PM
1 mom liked this
I don't even know where to start with the lists of things this woman should be diagnosed with...

But clearly she's toxic. My grandmother did some of this with my mom and her sister. She would manipulate relationships and play them against each other. It wasn't this dramatic but nearly destroyed any relationship they could have. It's still wrought with lack of trust and hurt feelings.

She has emotionally manipulated you for years - maybe your whole life. A little counseling for you wouldn't hurt anything to talk it all through! Good luck and hope baby is doing well. I'm
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