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Hi everyone, I’m new here. I recently delivered a new born, and been dealing with issues with my mother and have nowhere else to turn. This is so very long that I guess I’m just venting.

My mom announced that she was coming for the birth, and that she would be staying 3 months total. She asked how early she should come, I suggested a week or two before my due date, she announced she was coming a month ahead of due date and that was that. Upon arrival she wasn’t really helpful. She didn’t help cook, clean, take care of the dog etc. she did help with some specific household things but only when myself or hubby asked for help. She was going to organize the nursery, but once I showed her the guide I wanted to follow (from Pinterest) she lost interest. She literally said “that looks complicated” and then had nothing else to do with the nursery.

She was in the room for the entire delivery and stood behind the doctor, so she saw my baby enter the world. She saw the baby before I even did. (later on she even told me how awful my hemmorhoids looked)

The baby was born with some health issues, that are requiring us to take stringent precautions until she’s old enough for surgery. The doctors and nurses spoke to us privately in the hospital and said that my mom cannot be around the baby because she has an active cough. We explained that she traveled to be here with the baby etc. but the medical team insisted that until surgery, the baby is high risk for complications if she gets sick, and will require invasive procedures if she gets a fever for ANY reason (even ear infection, or colds) they stated even though my moms cough is chronic and noninfectous, she can get a cold at any point, and she won’t know it until she’s been coughing around the baby in her infectious stage. After much back and forth the doctors finally said she can be around the baby but must wear a mask at ALL TIMES absolutely no exceptions, should not enter the babies sleeping area, handle baby feedings, should wash hands prior to touching baby etc

We explained all of this to my mom. Yet she wanted argue with us about it. The doctors don’t know everything, their guidelines don’t make sense, if she knew she just wouldn’t have bothered to come, we have all these restrictions for her but our pets are allowed to roam freely. She also kept “forgetting” to wash her hands and wear a mask. Over and over. I told her she’s putting her feelings above maintaining the well being of a newborn that was born with health issues. She was doing it deliberately. On one occasion hubby reminded her of the doctors guidelines, and asked her to put on a mask. She said “ok” then stared at him very aggressively maintaining eye contact. She sat there and made it clear that although she agreed, she wasn’t going to put one on. Hubby then asked her “can you put one on now?” And she flipped out, said we’re picking on her and all kinds of crap. That she’s raised 4 kids, and my husband barely has one and he wants to be telling her what to do etc. then she stormed downstairs crying. (Btw she cried every time we discussed the restrictions with her) a huge fight ensued with me and her, and she told me “by the time this is all said and done, the only family you have is going to be your husband and the baby” (implying that my she, my father, and 3 siblings will abandon me) she also was trying to plant seeds in my mind to cause friction and make me fearful of my husband. Warning me not to let him become abusuve, telling me he’s going to leave me and take my child away from me etc. I consider this all to be emotional warfare on a susceptible postpartum mother.

Those fights were daily for the two weeks after my baby was born. Finally hubby and I decided she was too disrespectful and too stressful to have around, and we were tired of the emotional abuse. So I told her this trip is not a good idea right now and we should cut it short. I paid to change her ticket to leave earlier and that was that. She then told me that my father and Nephew wouldn’t be coming for Xmas as planned, because they didn’t want to get the flu/tdap shots...before she left I withdrew $1600 cash for her, the total cost of their wasted tickets to fly here

My brother was scheduled to visit me a few weeks later. Before my mom left she was telling me he shouldn’t come, he’s not willing to get the flu shot or tdap booster either (which was our requirement for being around the baby) etc. she worked on me until I was saddened and upset enough to say that now isn’t a good time for him to come and that i’d Give him back his money for the wasted ticket too. She then printed out his itinerary and circled the price for me. I ended up being so broken down that I didn’t act on this right away. When I did talk to my brother he told me he’d gotten the flu shot and his tdap booster! He did end up visiting. My mom was long gone. While here he privately told me that our mom was telling him so many bad things about us, the way she was treated, and how we were going to treat him the same way, that he shouldn’t come, etc. he says he told her “no that isn’t going to happen, I’m going to visit and I’m not going to have any issues”. He says he told her that but in reality he was scared to come, and felt apprehensive 😔 and then he arrived and saw that everything was fine. This was when I first realized my mom was manufacturing discord. (Making both my brother and I upset at each other to prevent his visit)

After my brother left I confided to my sister over the phone that the visit with our mom went very poorly and that I was feeling very broken emotionally. After describing some of what happened, my sister (who btw was shocked!) revealed that our mom has been saying very very malicious and hateful things about all of us. (me, hubby, baby, doctors, inlaws, etc) she even said that our mom stated “she thinks the baby is a girl, but can’t swear on it, because she wasn’t even allowed to change a diaper”. This woman who looked at my newborn with her own eyes as she exited my body, she heard the doctor say “here’s your beautiful baby girl”, is going around maliciously casting doubt to my family that there is some conspiracy with the babies gender. I am so shocked and deeply deeply hurt. All of this I independently verified by talking to all 3 of my siblings separately. The brother that visited says my mom would call and talk shit, then warn him not to tell me. My other brother confirmed he was told the same things, but defended our mother because he sees her perspective supposedly. He also said I need to question the motive of whoever shared this info with me, because they’re just being divisive. I told him no, him covering up and keeping this hateful behavior makes him complicit.

My brother (that visited) and sister both say our mom did lots of the same things when their kids were born and she visited. Announced she was staying a month, undermined their decisions as parents, undermined their decision to breastfeed, cried and moped around when she couldn’t bully or intimidate them into doing what she wanted, made multiple threats to leave early, ultimately left early. My brother said that with both his kids, she came for a month,followed this pattern, then left after a week.

Btw my mom has talked crap to me about my siblings for years. We’ve been conditioned to tolerate it and not reveal it. I guess now it’s my turn on the receiving end. What’s most upsetting is realizing how she’s maintained control of our relationships with each other. Our relationships ebb and flow at her will. She’s manipulated huge fights both on her behalf, and also between us for personal reasons.
( for example one weekend when I was in college and planning to visit my sister. she called me crying the morning I was supposed to leave. Begging me not to go because she dreamed that my sister was going to harm me. Either with poison or something else, but that I wasn’t safe....this scared me and I didn’t go)

Sorry for rambling I’m just so broken. My mom (before I discovered what she’s been doing) called me angrily to say she’s not satisfied with her visit to see the baby, and I need to pick a date for her to return. Quite frankly she’s not welcome back in our home at this point and in the forseeable future. I don’t trust her, and she is not deserving of my trust. I’ve confronted her about her malicious behavior, and she initially denied it, then admitted it- and reinforced her position and stood by everything she said. Even the stuff about the babies gender.

I feel so lost and lost powerless. I know I need to maintain healthy boundaries because she obviously doesn’t care about our wellbeing in any capacity. It’s just so hard. She is a master manipulator, knows us all well, and tailors her approach to exploit our individual weaknesses.

If by chance anyone has read all this, thank you for listening. Feel free to offer your thoughts, i would appreciate insight from individuals outside my family
by on Jan. 27, 2018 at 2:21 PM
Replies (51-55):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 9 on Jan. 30, 2018 at 5:37 AM
2 moms liked this

Your mom is a narcissistic.

She has a personality disorder that has caused a dysfunctional family unit.

You are lucky that your siblings have confided in you.Just stick together and keep the normalcy.

As far as your mom goes.Understand she has a mental illness.Keep things short and sweet with her.Create boundaries.Monitor with your baby.

And most of all keep the focus on your family.You ..your husband...and your baby are the priority.

Avidreader9559
by on Feb. 8, 2018 at 11:39 AM

Sweet mom! I am so sorry you had to experience all of this drama around the birth of your DD. It can be so hard to handle when others don't respect your wishes or abide by the boundaries that you set. I am so glad that you have had to opportunites to talk to other family members and let them know of your experiences, too. I know with my MIL my husband and I have to set boundaries, and sometimes we get talked about and are made out to be the bad guys, but in order for there to be peace in my house, my husband and I have to have a plan and boundaries so that we know where we stand with each other. Then we can feel supported as we make those hard decisions. Unfortunately, in my experience it doesn't matter what choices we make, it is never enough for some. We can never make them happy enough. They will always find something to complain about. It took me a long time to realize that I can't make their decisions for them. But I do have a say in what is done in my house, and I need it to be peaceful with no drama. It is hard though when you want to have good, close, healthy relationships with those family members. I would suggest counseling, but I know that can be a difficult subject. My MIL has been approached by my brothers-in-law about counseling for some of her issues, and she refuses to go. She places blame elsewhere. Do you think you could sit down with your mom again and state your desire for a good relationship and ask her to consider going to counseling with you to work on the things you can't agree on? Hugs! You are doing a good job with your husband and your daughter. I pray that you can work out a relationship with your mom that works for everyone. There are also online counselors who do a free consultation over the phone. Maybe they could help you figure out where to go next. Their number is 1-855-771-4357. You can call them weekdays from 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. (Mountain Time). Blessings.

EarlGrayHot
by on Feb. 8, 2018 at 3:56 PM

This is YOUR house and YOUR baby.  You should have told your mom she was not to come until YOU were ready.  Why didn't you?  She has no business telling you what to do with your baby.  Tell her to go home until the kid is safe after her surgery.

hotspice58
by on Feb. 8, 2018 at 4:01 PM

Keep her at arm's length.  Nice that you and your siblings still have a relationship.,

flowerfunleah
by Leah on Feb. 10, 2018 at 4:26 PM
1 mom liked this

Your mothere is a toxic and narcissistic person and displays a lot of the traits of narcissism such as manipulating relationships, taking no responsibility for her actions, and inciting guilt and fear in others in order to manipulate YOU. 

Don't fall for it.

Go low or no contact, it's tough, but its do-able. If you need additional support from people with narcissistic or toxic parents then join the fb groups Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents and Children of Toxic Parents.

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