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My fiancé and I have been engaged and living together for over a year now. I have a 2 year old little girl, and he has an 11 year old daughter (both from previous marriages) my 2 year old loves other kids, especially older kids. My fiancé’s daughter (we’ll call her Sara) claims to “not like babies” so when she’s at our house, (which is 3-4 times per week for the whole year we’ve lived together) she continuously ignores my daughter. I admit that my daughter can be a bit over bearing. She wants so badly for Sara to play with her and be her friend that she’s constantly following her around and trying to talk to her. Sara will not even respond to my daughter, and just walk away from her, In addition to just being mean in general with anything having to do with my daughter. Her dad has tried having talks with her to no avail. I’m starting to feel negative about the whole situation, and it worries me. I feel like it’s abnormal for a child to be so cold to a baby. It worries me thinking of how she would act towards her if they were alone as well. I understand children will act out after their parents get divorced, especially with her dad living with a new woman and another child, so I try my best to be patient. But in the year we’ve been living together the situation hasn’t improved at all, and I’m beginning to wonder if it will. It’s also starting to cause problems between my fiancé and I, which is why I’m seeking advice. His constant response is “well Sara just doesn’t like little kids” or “I don’t expect her to play with the baby, they have nothing in common” Is this normal? Am I overreacting? And what are some opinions on how to handle this kind of thing? Thank you ladies 😘
by on Feb. 4, 2018 at 12:25 PM
Replies (11-16):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 6 on Feb. 5, 2018 at 3:44 PM
Same. The 11 yo loves playing with the 2yo but not the 5 yo lol.

Quoting Iguessiwasbad13: Guess it's just different in my house. My 11 year old has zero issues playing with babies and toddlers.

Quoting Anonymous 3: I wouldn't expect an eleven year old to play with a two year old.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 7 on Feb. 5, 2018 at 3:58 PM
It’s normal at that age to not like interacting with a 2 year old. My older daughter is like that to her younger siblings.
pEACEBWU
by on Feb. 8, 2018 at 1:48 PM
1 mom liked this

It’s hard to blend families.  There could be all kinds of things going on for the 11-year-old.  Could be a personality difference, could be hurt from divorce, could be jealousy, etc.  Forcing the issue could cause more problems like act outs, anger, and violence.  While we tend to want to cover over the past and make a new life happy and loving the reality is that blending families is really hard work.  I have children that have been at least ½ sisters and brothers and they can hardly stand to hang out most the time.  If we don’t force them to play or spend time together and actually encourage them to give each other space, we find they eventually get bored and realize playing together can be fun.  There’s a huge gap between a 2 and 11-year-old.  Not all people are nurturing and that’s what we are expecting with a 9 year gap.  I have my kids 8 years a part.  It’s a tricky balance.  They are at different developmental stages and needs.  The 11-year-old is beginning to push into pre-teen.  She’s probably more interested in watching adult interactions.  All kids go through a stage of differentiation where they want their autonomy.  The worst thing that can happen in any marriage, especially blended, is the parents begin turning on one another through parenting frustrations.  If there isn’t a bond between the two kids I definitely wouldn’t leave them unsupervised.  I don’t know how long your SO was married to the 11-year-old daughter but 1 year for a child is a short time to deal with the reality mom and dad aren’t getting back together.  The best stance as a step mom role is to love unconditionally and try to understand her feelings and perspective.  Build a relationship as if she were your own daughter and yet realize the step parent role has to walk carefully on the discipline role, to not break down the trust.  As a mom with kids 8 years a part I find it’s imperative to make alone time for each child and allow them time to be involved with me in things they like, enjoy, and want to talk about.  You may find nurturing the 11-year-old this way brings about an open heart to the 2-year-old?  Maybe a drive to get ice cream, paint her nails, play a board game, go for a walk to the park, etc. while SO keeps an eye and has alone time with 2-year-old.  The reverse is also important where her dad needs alone time with her while you get alone time with your daughter.  Then the family bonding time.  Life is full and busy.  It is easy to squeeze out these times with all that busy stuff and try to get the family time in but miss the building of individual supports.  The time doesn’t have to be long 15-30 minutes to say…” You and our relationship together are important!”  It will do a world a difference in your bonding as a family to make this a priority. 


Anonymous
by Anonymous 8 on Feb. 8, 2018 at 3:04 PM

First off your 2 yo is not a baby. 

Sara needs to start showing a bit of respect and at the very least acknowledge that she has been spoken to by the child.  You and your fiancee need to make sure that Sara shows respect to all people living in the home and not just the adults.  I find it to be very disrespectful to ignore someone when they have spoken to you.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 9 on Feb. 8, 2018 at 5:22 PM

I don't think it's abnormal for an 11 year old to have no interest in hanging with his/her younger sibling.  So long as she isn't being mean to your toddler, try not to worry at all about it.

One piece of advice:  Don't have your fiance  "talk to his daughter about treating your daughter right."  If his daughter, for one minute, thinks that your daughter means more to him than she does, all hell is going to break lose.

Don't force the relationship between the soon-to-be siblings.  As long as your soon-to-be step daughter isn't harming your child or being mean to your child, just let things play out.  You'll be glad that you did.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 10 on Feb. 10, 2018 at 6:44 PM
I just wanted to back up a little here. You are married and have a baby and within twelve months you have separated, divorced, dated and moved in with another man??
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