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Didnt know where else to come!!!!

Posted by on Feb. 6, 2018 at 2:01 PM
  • 22 Replies

I havent been a very active Cafemom member in the last few years but I used to come here a lot so i joined this group in hopes of finding some way to deal with present situations with my ex husband and the father of my two daughters. 

Since the beginning of our separation through our divorce and even now almost two years later he is still very high conflict to deal with, very demanding and has no communication skill with me or towards me.. He constantly puts all actions of himself and his fiancee on me like im the one creating the issues and yes i am able to admit that I react to some things and then some things I am able to ignore. I am in no way perfect. I have always wanted the smoothest transition for my girls and to at least be able to be civil for their sake. However, at the same time I feel that I let him walk all over me and take the same crap I did from the marriage, name calling, putting down my job, putting me down period the list goes on. I want to find some solution to make this all easier on the girls and even myself. I have no desire to argue and fight with him and no desire to have conversations with him outside of our children. He has no issue with following some things in our divorce papers however there are some that he has no desire and insists on fighting them, I have gotten to the edge of my breaking point with dealing with this from him.

Most recent situtation my exes fiancee and him came to the house to retrieve a bag of items from the oldest daughter and when I handed it out the door the bag hit the door and proceeded to hit the fiancee in the arm, she said you didnt have to hit me with that and I immediately said your right Im sorry it wasnt intentional, but she called the cops any way even though my ex said no at first, so with that behavior I stated she didnt need to come back to my house period, this was Jan 15, 2018. Each week there has been some reason he has attempted to get me to allow her to pick up the girls on his time, even though I have stated the above, so last night again he proceeds to tell me that she will be coming to get them this Wednesday, (a little bit of info into our arrangement, he gets ever other weekend and anything else is on an agreed upon basis and if we can not agree I have final say.) I reminded him that I did not want her around my property and he proceeds to tell me I have to deal with it. I know I dont have to deal with it, my agreement is with him not her and he is responsibile for pick up and drop off. The part that bothered me the most is not really the fact that she would be picking them up its the lack of communication and him just telling me what is or isnt gonna happen. What in the world am I to do to make things change and attempt for a smoother dealing when I have no choice but to deal with him? 

by on Feb. 6, 2018 at 2:01 PM
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Replies (1-10):
offrdngal
by Bronze Member on Feb. 6, 2018 at 2:39 PM
2 moms liked this
They are not married, so NO, you do NOT have to send the kids with her. You "deal with it" by telling him that if HE doesn't come to get them, they will be staying home.

Limit any and all communication with him. Unless the kids need something or are sick/hospitalized, don't talk to him.

Don't entertain the ignorance. Don't react, when he (or she) tries to rile you.

All you can do, is play nice, on your end. You can't control what he does. The kids will see what's going on and will know who the instigator is.
Tigress22304
by Bronze Member on Feb. 6, 2018 at 3:59 PM

is there a court order?

if not-GET ONE

and make it crystal clear that Dad and ONLY dad can PU/DO

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Feb. 6, 2018 at 4:23 PM
1 mom liked this

it took me a long time to shake off my ex husband's antics and problematics ... finally after almost 10 years I finally have piece of mind as we no longer communicate, period.   But it did take a long time.  Don't let things get to you, don't be afraid to have your lawyer on speed dial and ultimately don't be afraid of the justice system, it has served me well.  

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Feb. 6, 2018 at 4:44 PM
Court order for kids , restraining order for her.
MOMMYKNS0328
by New Member on Feb. 6, 2018 at 4:54 PM

Yes we have a court order he still is determined to tell me how things are gonna be... its tiring and i hate the fighting. 

coala
by Bronze Member on Feb. 6, 2018 at 4:58 PM

You tell him that you are not turning your children over to anyone but him.  If he can't manage to pick them up, then he forfeits his time.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Feb. 7, 2018 at 9:32 AM

If it's in the court order that HE picks the girls it should be HIM.  Anyone else don't let your girls go with her and he takes you back to court he'll end up with a tongue lashing from the judge.  Protect your daughters from a stranger you don't know and can't be civil with.

offrdngal
by Bronze Member on Feb. 7, 2018 at 9:55 AM
Don't fight. Tell him that the court order IS the way it will be. Be firm and stand your ground. If he can't behave, at your house, meet him at the police station, for drop-off and pick-up - he'll fight about the court order for as long as it takes for an officer to tell him to STFU.

Quoting MOMMYKNS0328:

Yes we have a court order he still is determined to tell me how things are gonna be... its tiring and i hate the fighting. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Feb. 8, 2018 at 10:40 AM
Only communicate with him through text or email. If they aren't married you can just say he needs to pick them up, nobody else. If she shows up they don't go. Ignore all rude comments, don't even engage with that.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Feb. 8, 2018 at 11:04 AM

There is a website that you can use to communicate with the ex.  Our family wizard I think it's called.

Maybe it's time to initiate a 3rd middle ground to keep the conflict better managed.

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