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Advice on Friend Issue

Posted by Anonymous
  • 23 Replies
Hello all,

I’m in need of some advice about friends my husband and I have.

My husband has been friends with the guy for a long time. He has a son (who is the same age as our son) with a previous relationship and now he has a daughter (who is a few months older than our daughter) with his most recent girlfriend.

They would be the ideal couple to hangout with because both of our kids are the same age. However, they always insist on coming to our house; my husband and I buy all the food, cook for everyone and clean up. The cleaning is the worst because they let their son demolish our home. Their son likes to hit, spit, etc. and it really just makes for a long evening. Now that they have a daughter, it’s all about her and they tend to compare our daughter to theirs the whole night and I can’t handle it. Ahh!

Here’s where I need advice. They contacted us recently to come over, I made the comment that our son may have plans during that time but I would let them know. All seemed fine. I contacted them back the next morning explaining that our son was following through with those plans and she never replied to me. Which I didn’t think much about. I contacted her later, since I felt bad, and asked if they wanted to come over in a few days. No reply. I gave in, even though I said I wouldn’t, and contacted her again this morning asking if they needed help moving in a week. Still no reply.

I don’t want to be the person that comes between my husband and his long time friend, but what happens now?! We go out of our way for them every time they come here. Groceries for all 8 of us are not cheap, spending hours cleaning when they leave isn’t easy, and watching their son attack mine while I’m sitting there listening to how great their daughter is, is so draining. I honestly don’t know why she’s mad, she knew we possibly had plans.

I absolutely hate when people are mad at me, especially when I didn’t do anything wrong. Do I just wait until she’s over whatever it is and then let things go back to normal?
Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 21, 2018 at 4:38 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by Member on Feb. 21, 2018 at 4:45 PM
Over the years I have done a few things to make life easier for my family 1) if we are all eating (and this is more then once in a while) they guests bring a side dish for all (I do the same when going to other homes) 2) if your kid plays, your kid cleans. I tell everyone in the start that they will clean up after them selves. I’ve had parents say it’s not important, then I told them they can clean because it’s not important. They quit telling me that real quick lol.
Just those two things have helped so much. Maybe it could work for you.
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Feb. 21, 2018 at 4:52 PM
Good points, thank you! I can definitely try both of those. Their son can be a little more difficult to handle at times and my husband and I really think they only come over because we basically babysit him for them. They way he’s treated after their daughter was born is just so, so sad.
by Anonymous 2 on Feb. 21, 2018 at 9:20 PM
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Stop being a doormat for them and she should stop inviting themselves over like that.  Take some time off from them.

by Anonymous 3 on Feb. 21, 2018 at 10:30 PM
If they stop talking to you, that would be a good thing. They use you for free and babysitting. If they want to hang out, ask what they will be bringing to eat. Mention their kid's behavior. But at this point, I would probably be glad for them to stop calling.
by iloveanons on Feb. 21, 2018 at 11:55 PM
Take a break from them for awhile. How does your DH feel about how they are?
by Silver Member on Feb. 22, 2018 at 12:04 AM
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Sounds like they're moochers and not friends.  I would just cut them out of my life.  Life is too short to have 'friends' like that.

by Member on Feb. 22, 2018 at 3:51 AM

there may not be reply coming but doesn't mean that she is mad.  You should let her know a good schedule and ask if you could come over on one of those nights. Ask if she would like you to bring anything. I would probably have your husband make sure all is cool to make sure no one is upset or any misunderstandings. Because like you said you did nothing wrong.  Just because someone extends an invitation that doesn't mean that you have to cancel previous obligations and go.  I think in a bit she will text back and things will be fine, when you go to their home show her examples of what you would like from her when they come over like bringing something to help with the food, cleaning up, having kids pick up their messes before they leave and try to keep conversations where kids aren't part of it so no one has opportunity to compare.  She may understand the rudeness she has put on your house when she sees the politeness your family has. You may get more invites there too making the labor more equally divided.  Its a friendship keep it friendly.  Good luck.

by Member on Feb. 22, 2018 at 5:47 AM

My husband has a friend whose son sounds like that child. Last time he was here he yanked my son's bedroom door off, smashed his wardrobe mirror and pulled his curtain rail down. This was about 18 months ago and he was 5. This kid has not been in my house since but hubby and his dad are still friends. We make plans out of the house. There is no real reason that you can't continue to be friends if the other couple are willing to host or do something out of either house. If they/she is being unreasonable then there's not much you can do about it, you can't control someone else's behavior. I do think that you are going to end up feeling very resentful if you continue to allow this child in your house and keep having to provide meals for 8 on a regular basis though. What soes your dh think?

by Anonymous 4 on Feb. 22, 2018 at 7:14 AM
You need to do what you need to do, it's not your responsibility to ensure nobody ever gets mad. Calling over and over is silly. If they want to hang out they'll call. If they are upset that you don't drop everything and host them every time they ask then that is their problem
not yours. But with what you said, I honestly wouldn't be having them over very often at all. It's ridiculous that you're constantly bending over backwards to host them, just stop doing that. If the son is attacking your son and you allow it...why? I'd have put a stop to it rght then and there. You guys have serious boundary-setting issues. If he is your dh's friend, let them hang out somewhere else when they want to get together. They don't, as a family, sound like anyone decent to be consistent friends with.
by Anonymous 5 on Feb. 22, 2018 at 9:01 AM

They sound like terrible friends.

I would not be planning events where they take advantage of your hospitality all the time. If there is a next time, plan an event outside the house.

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