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I miss my Brady Boy....

Posted by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 4:28 PM
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I lost my son at 23 weeks on the 18th. I had partial placental abruption and had bad internal bleeding. So I had to choose between my life or his life. I couldn't leave my daughter here by herself, but at the same time I couldn't choose to let my baby boy die. I asked the doctor what her medical opinion was and she said she thought I should let the labor progress and give birth to my son that day. How do you make that choice? How do you choose to basically kill your child just to save your own life? How selfish am I for choosing to live and choosing to let him die? I don't think I'll ever be the same. I've had three other miscarriages. Two at 5 weeks and one at 16 weeks. I don't think those touched me like this one has. I didn't have a choice in those, I had a choice in this one. I feel like I made the wrong decision. I want to go back a week and tell them I'd risk my own life to try to save his. He didn't have a choice to die. His life was in my hands and I took it away from him. I didn't give him a chance to breathe, to learn to walk, to ride a bike, to get married, to have kids of his own. He's in Heaven because of me. I put him there. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. I can't hide it. I feel like I've failed as a Mom.

I love you Braidon. Mommy misses you more than words can day. I wish you were still here with us. The world will never be the same without you in it. I can't wait until I can see you again. Until then, I'm sending hugs and kisses to Heaven for you. I love you Brady Boy!!!!!

expecting boypatrioticbouncing mom

by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 4:28 PM
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Replies (1-8):
toobusyw3
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 7:31 PM

I am sooo sorry for your loss.I can't even imagine having to make that type of decision.You made the best decision that you could during that time.You are not selfish for what you did,you were brave. you did what was best for your family and that is having a mom around for you little girl. and for 23 weeks you were the best mom to Braidon you loved him and held him in the most intimate  way a person could. I hope my words don't make you angry that is not my intention. He will always be a part of your life. I am wishing you some peaceful moments and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

JohannaLsMom
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 8:52 PM

I also had an abruption.  I lost my son Keller on the 13th of this month. Although I did not have choice, I believe if I did I would have made the same one, although with a heavy heart.  I cannot bear the thought of leaving my 15 month old daughter without a mother.  I don't think you made a selfish choice, you did what was best for your family.  No one should have to make that choice.  Abruptions are dangerous as you know, and there is no telling what could have happened.  Your daughter and husband (i didn't catch if you were married could) have lost you on top of the baby.  It will take time, but I tink you will eventually find peace with your decision and know that it's the only choice you could have made.  I am still struggling with my loss, I am sad all teh time.  I just cling to the hope that one I'll be Ok again.  My thoughts are with you, best wishes

bonzai4evr
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 9:12 PM

My husband left me exactly one week before I gave birth. When I called to tell him his son was born he told me he wanted a DNA test.

expecting boypatrioticbouncing mom

KRISSH
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 9:18 PM

I,MSO SORRY ..HUGS !!!

JohannaLsMom
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 11:25 PM
Iam sorry.For what it's worth, and it's probaby not a heck of a lot, I still believe in your choice. Spend as much time with your daughter as you can to get you through this.
briannasmom7907
by on Jan. 26, 2009 at 1:06 PM

I cant even begin to fathom what you are going through. I actually had a sick talk with my husband when i was pregnany (my DD is 18 mo). I asked him, if we had to chose between me and the baby, what should we do. he said it would have to be pick me. He thinks he could never have been good enough for our DD. But, I am greatful that it never came to that. I believe you made the right choicce. It is like you said, you could not leave your one or both babies without their mommy. Not to mention, what would that have done to Brady, had he lived out a normal life. When he gfot old enough, somoene would tell him that you died to let him live. If that were me and my mom had died for me, I would be so mad at her and myself. Find God. I promise that he does have a reason for everything. As humans, we may never know what his reason is/was, but it is there. He took my DD 4 years ago. I know it was what was meant to be. God bless you

As for your son's dad TO HELL WITH HIM. He is a cold, sick SOB (hopefully I am not crossing a line). I can't imagine trying to get through this without him, but I think you are better off. Sounds like he would not have been very supportive and helpful.

ltsmom87
by on Jan. 26, 2009 at 7:09 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss .. I believe you made the right choice and I know your daughter would agree. Your son was blessed with a loving Mom who loved her daughter enough to make the hard decision to stay with her and loved her son enough to let him be with his lord.  It's a hard world and children need their Mom.  He knows you love him and he's with you still... right there in your heart. I'll pray that you find peace. Tony's mom aka ginger

emschick2009
by on Jan. 29, 2009 at 1:22 PM
I was in the Due in May group too. I never saw your post, or I do not remember it, but I understand your pain. You had to chose between life and death for you both and that choice is never a easy one. Had to tell the doctors to pull the plug on my daughter because she had been with out any oxygen to her body for 5 mins. I truly hope that you know that your son is watching out for you and his big sister now and he will always love you no matter what.
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