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Posted by on Aug. 15, 2014 at 10:48 AM
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Just joined this group because after last night's events I've decided I need to make a change.  I'm 30 years old and my son is seven.  I have a really great guy in my life but when I drink (which I do every night starting right after work) I black out.  I've been horrible to him on several occassions but from what he explained I did last night, I just wanted to punch myself in the face.  Repeatedly. 

His (my SO) father has a serious surgery today and it's stressing him out.  He needed me last night but I failed him.  I yelled at him and tore him apart for nothing.  Not only that, but he's told me that I've been mean my son before and he's had to keep me away from him.  Not physically, just the words I say...yell actually.  That absolutely breaks my heart to know I have become that person.

I have a lot of deep seeded issues that I'm afraid of touching on because....well, why is anyone afraid of their past?  I don't know if I can handle knowing the truth to some things in my childhood.  I think drinking helps me shove those memories and feelings down, but in reality I erupt at the people who care about me the most. 

I hope I can find support and encouragement here and I hope I can help someone else when they need it too.

by on Aug. 15, 2014 at 10:48 AM
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Replies (1-9):
letstalk747
by Support- owner joy on Aug. 15, 2014 at 12:20 PM

welcome , im joy , erupting at the people we care about most and that care most about us is the usual with a addiction.

We are all about support here , your son probly is as hurt from your addiction -  as you were hurt in your childhood from what you went thru- think about this hopefully it helps you stop drinking.

You black out every night, you need some professional help - you probly know this already.

why do   YOU    think you drink ?

WE DONT JUDGE ANYONE HERE , AND WHAT IS HERE STAYS HERE , WE WANT US ALL TO FEEL SAFE HERE , IM GLAD YOU ARE HERE ,  we can all help each other.

prdmama1154
by on Aug. 15, 2014 at 1:35 PM

 Thank you so much.  I don't know why I drink.  As of right now, things are going okay.  My childhood was  mostly good.  My parents were good, awesome small town in Maine, friends....it was just about textbook.  But there's an instance that pops into my head sometimes and I don't know if this is all the outcome of that instance. 

I moved out when I was 17, moved all the way to FL.  I was a goodie two shoes in highschool so when I got freedom man did I go CRAZY.  Drugs, lots of drinking and lots of guys :(  I've hurt a lot of people and I'm regretful of that.  I haven't forgiven myself for a lot of the things I've done, I feel like I'll never be able to be a better person.  My self esteem is shot and it's really affecting my relationship.  He's a great guy but it's like I don't even think I'm worthy and I keep pushing him away. 

I need to find a way to fill the "drinking time".  For example....whenever I get home from work the first thing I do is pour a glass of wine.  Well that's out now.  I'm going to take my kiddo shopping instead. 

This is going to be one heck of a journey and I'm determined to succeed.  I keep the texts I send so I'm reminded of how I am when I black out.

Sorry this is so long and all over the place.  I have a lot in my head right now.  Thank you for reading.

Quoting letstalk747:

welcome , im joy , erupting at the people we care about most and that care most about us is the usual with a addiction.

We are all about support here , your son probly is as hurt from your addiction -  as you were hurt in your childhood from what you went thru- think about this hopefully it helps you stop drinking.

You black out every night, you need some professional help - you probly know this already.

why do   YOU    think you drink ?

WE DONT JUDGE ANYONE HERE , AND WHAT IS HERE STAYS HERE , WE WANT US ALL TO FEEL SAFE HERE , IM GLAD YOU ARE HERE ,  we can all help each other.

 

letstalk747
by Support- owner joy on Aug. 15, 2014 at 5:34 PM

we write long here , nothing is ever too long , this great guy and you be good friends- down the road see what if anything changes just be careful.what else can you fill in your drinking time with?

Glad you are here

Quoting prdmama1154:

 Thank you so much.  I don't know why I drink.  As of right now, things are going okay.  My childhood was  mostly good.  My parents were good, awesome small town in Maine, friends....it was just about textbook.  But there's an instance that pops into my head sometimes and I don't know if this is all the outcome of that instance. 

I moved out when I was 17, moved all the way to FL.  I was a goodie two shoes in highschool so when I got freedom man did I go CRAZY.  Drugs, lots of drinking and lots of guys :(  I've hurt a lot of people and I'm regretful of that.  I haven't forgiven myself for a lot of the things I've done, I feel like I'll never be able to be a better person.  My self esteem is shot and it's really affecting my relationship.  He's a great guy but it's like I don't even think I'm worthy and I keep pushing him away. 

I need to find a way to fill the "drinking time".  For example....whenever I get home from work the first thing I do is pour a glass of wine.  Well that's out now.  I'm going to take my kiddo shopping instead. 

This is going to be one heck of a journey and I'm determined to succeed.  I keep the texts I send so I'm reminded of how I am when I black out.

Sorry this is so long and all over the place.  I have a lot in my head right now.  Thank you for reading.

Quoting letstalk747:

welcome , im joy , erupting at the people we care about most and that care most about us is the usual with a addiction.

We are all about support here , your son probly is as hurt from your addiction -  as you were hurt in your childhood from what you went thru- think about this hopefully it helps you stop drinking.

You black out every night, you need some professional help - you probly know this already.

why do   YOU    think you drink ?

WE DONT JUDGE ANYONE HERE , AND WHAT IS HERE STAYS HERE , WE WANT US ALL TO FEEL SAFE HERE , IM GLAD YOU ARE HERE ,  we can all help each other.

 


mrsary
by Member on Aug. 15, 2014 at 5:35 PM
Hugs. I am drunk now unfortunately, so cant give a real reply. I am trying to quit too.
prdmama1154
by on Aug. 15, 2014 at 6:13 PM

I appreciate how honest you are. The thing for me is I can never "just have a few". I drink to get DRUNK. Right now I'm having pizza with a diet coke. I'll probably get fat cause I'll replace food for alcohol.

Quoting mrsary: Hugs. I am drunk now unfortunately, so cant give a real reply. I am trying to quit too.
prdmama1154
by on Aug. 15, 2014 at 6:23 PM
1 mom liked this

Exercise, cooking, reading.  I'd like to find some other moms in my area and set up a few playdates.  I'm glad I'm here too.

Quoting letstalk747:

we write long here , nothing is ever too long , this great guy and you be good friends- down the road see what if anything changes just be careful.what else can you fill in your drinking time with?

Glad you are here

Quoting prdmama1154:

 Thank you so much.  I don't know why I drink.  As of right now, things are going okay.  My childhood was  mostly good.  My parents were good, awesome small town in Maine, friends....it was just about textbook.  But there's an instance that pops into my head sometimes and I don't know if this is all the outcome of that instance. 

I moved out when I was 17, moved all the way to FL.  I was a goodie two shoes in highschool so when I got freedom man did I go CRAZY.  Drugs, lots of drinking and lots of guys :(  I've hurt a lot of people and I'm regretful of that.  I haven't forgiven myself for a lot of the things I've done, I feel like I'll never be able to be a better person.  My self esteem is shot and it's really affecting my relationship.  He's a great guy but it's like I don't even think I'm worthy and I keep pushing him away. 

I need to find a way to fill the "drinking time".  For example....whenever I get home from work the first thing I do is pour a glass of wine.  Well that's out now.  I'm going to take my kiddo shopping instead. 

This is going to be one heck of a journey and I'm determined to succeed.  I keep the texts I send so I'm reminded of how I am when I black out.

Sorry this is so long and all over the place.  I have a lot in my head right now.  Thank you for reading.

Quoting letstalk747:

welcome , im joy , erupting at the people we care about most and that care most about us is the usual with a addiction.

We are all about support here , your son probly is as hurt from your addiction -  as you were hurt in your childhood from what you went thru- think about this hopefully it helps you stop drinking.

You black out every night, you need some professional help - you probly know this already.

why do   YOU    think you drink ?

WE DONT JUDGE ANYONE HERE , AND WHAT IS HERE STAYS HERE , WE WANT US ALL TO FEEL SAFE HERE , IM GLAD YOU ARE HERE ,  we can all help each other.

 


LivingDeadGirlx
by Member on Aug. 15, 2014 at 6:38 PM
Hi, it's nice to meet you. I know exactly what you mean by finding something to fill that time. Everyday, I counted down the minutes til it was time to open a beer. It was what I looked foward to. Now idk wtf to do. I'm here 24 7 with kids stuck up my butt stressing me. The f out. If you ever want to tallk pm me k?

Quoting prdmama1154:

 Thank you so much.  I don't know why I drink.  As of right now, things are going okay.  My childhood was  mostly good.  My parents were good, awesome small town in Maine, friends....it was just about textbook.  But there's an instance that pops into my head sometimes and I don't know if this is all the outcome of that instance. 


I moved out when I was 17, moved all the way to FL.  I was a goodie two shoes in highschool so when I got freedom man did I go CRAZY.  Drugs, lots of drinking and lots of guys :(  I've hurt a lot of people and I'm regretful of that.  I haven't forgiven myself for a lot of the things I've done, I feel like I'll never be able to be a better person.  My self esteem is shot and it's really affecting my relationship.  He's a great guy but it's like I don't even think I'm worthy and I keep pushing him away. 


I need to find a way to fill the "drinking time".  For example....whenever I get home from work the first thing I do is pour a glass of wine.  Well that's out now.  I'm going to take my kiddo shopping instead. 


This is going to be one heck of a journey and I'm determined to succeed.  I keep the texts I send so I'm reminded of how I am when I black out.


Sorry this is so long and all over the place.  I have a lot in my head right now.  Thank you for reading.


Quoting letstalk747:

welcome , im joy , erupting at the people we care about most and that care most about us is the usual with a addiction.


We are all about support here , your son probly is as hurt from your addiction -  as you were hurt in your childhood from what you went thru- think about this hopefully it helps you stop drinking.


You black out every night, you need some professional help - you probly know this already.


why do   YOU    think you drink ?


WE DONT JUDGE ANYONE HERE , AND WHAT IS HERE STAYS HERE , WE WANT US ALL TO FEEL SAFE HERE , IM GLAD YOU ARE HERE ,  we can all help each other.


 

prdmama1154
by on Aug. 15, 2014 at 6:54 PM
I know just what you mean. Tonight I'm doing okay, but that's probably because the embarrassment of last nights antics is still fresh. Feel free to message me too.

Quoting LivingDeadGirlx: Hi, it's nice to meet you. I know exactly what you mean by finding something to fill that time. Everyday, I counted down the minutes til it was time to open a beer. It was what I looked foward to. Now idk wtf to do. I'm here 24 7 with kids stuck up my butt stressing me. The f out. If you ever want to tallk pm me k?

Quoting prdmama1154:

 Thank you so much.  I don't know why I drink.  As of right now, things are going okay.  My childhood was  mostly good.  My parents were good, awesome small town in Maine, friends....it was just about textbook.  But there's an instance that pops into my head sometimes and I don't know if this is all the outcome of that instance. 


I moved out when I was 17, moved all the way to FL.  I was a goodie two shoes in highschool so when I got freedom man did I go CRAZY.  Drugs, lots of drinking and lots of guys :(  I've hurt a lot of people and I'm regretful of that.  I haven't forgiven myself for a lot of the things I've done, I feel like I'll never be able to be a better person.  My self esteem is shot and it's really affecting my relationship.  He's a great guy but it's like I don't even think I'm worthy and I keep pushing him away. 


I need to find a way to fill the "drinking time".  For example....whenever I get home from work the first thing I do is pour a glass of wine.  Well that's out now.  I'm going to take my kiddo shopping instead. 


This is going to be one heck of a journey and I'm determined to succeed.  I keep the texts I send so I'm reminded of how I am when I black out.


Sorry this is so long and all over the place.  I have a lot in my head right now.  Thank you for reading.


Quoting letstalk747:

welcome , im joy , erupting at the people we care about most and that care most about us is the usual with a addiction.


We are all about support here , your son probly is as hurt from your addiction -  as you were hurt in your childhood from what you went thru- think about this hopefully it helps you stop drinking.


You black out every night, you need some professional help - you probly know this already.


why do   YOU    think you drink ?


WE DONT JUDGE ANYONE HERE , AND WHAT IS HERE STAYS HERE , WE WANT US ALL TO FEEL SAFE HERE , IM GLAD YOU ARE HERE ,  we can all help each other.


 

lucy164
by Support -peggy on Aug. 20, 2014 at 7:27 PM

Welcome, you came to the right place.

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