I used to be the person everyone referred to a being patient and level headed. I could take a lot of crap, and although I'm somewhat of a bottler, I rarely would get upset unless it was really warranted. Unfortunately, all that has changed now, and I would really like the old me back! But I just feel like I'm losing control.
I have a 1 year old son and I'm 22 weeks pregnant with our second, married, work full time and own a house. We tried for over a year with my first, but this time I got pregnant when my son was 7 months old, I was still breastfeeding and we were taking precautions, so completely unexpected. As a result, I have been having a really hard time handling this pregnancy mentally.
When I got pregnant with my first I thought I would love being pregnant, but I honestly didn't. I just get this weird feeling as though my body isn't mine. I am by no means an alcoholic, not a big drinker at all, but it kills me that I cannot even have a glass of wine. People would say o you will miss it once you're not pregnant, but I didn't at all, I felt freed!
Just before I got pregnant with our second I was starting to ween my son from breastfeeding, he was sitting on his own and crawling and getting out of an extremely cranky teething/ no sleeping phase and I was finally feeling like I was getting some of my life back, and then I got pregnant again.
I am just having such a rough go this time, I really wasn't ready for it. I loved being on mat leave and being at home with my son. But then it was just like boom- found out I was pregnant, had to immediately find a full time job to get my hours in to get maternity, and now I'm gone 50 hours a week with the commute, my baby is in daycare full time, and I'm still trying to raise a family while working full time, doing the cooking/cleaning/ laundry etc. and being pregnant. I just feel like I can barely cope anymore.
I cry every single day, I can barely handle life. My little guy is going through another big cranky phase, so the hour or two a day I see him he usually crying and screaming. I've had a bladder infection almost this whole pregnany, very low blood pressure (actually passed out and hit my head), so many aches and pains, I have a bad back from a car accident and it's just been acting up like crazy, trouble breathing, swollen feet, etc.
I'm just to the point that I don't know what to do anymore. I held on strong as long as I could but I've just been completely losing it this past week. My husband has been really great, he's stepped it up a lot and done most the cooking and been helping out a lot with everything. I talked to my doctor about going on medication but he doesn't seem to think I'm truly depressed, just that I'm taking on too much and suggested working part time, but I can't because I need my hours.
It's terrible, but sometimes I just think it would be best if I got accidentally killed in a car accident or something. I feel terrible saying that because I'm pregnant, but I feel like my son doesn't even know who I am because I never see him anymore, and with my life insurance I'm worth a hell of a lot more dead than alive and my husband could pay off our house and finally live a comfortable life.
I know life isn't supposed to be easy, I just wish it didn't always have to be so hard. Last night we went out for dinner just the 3 of us which was the first time in ages. Everything was going great and then my mother in law called, who likes to make our lives difficult, which changed the total mood of the evening, then my son grabbed my husbands iphone and threw it, it got smashed, then from that point he got very cranky and we had to leave and get our dinner to go. I just feel like everytime we make an attempt to do anything it always ends poorly. I feel like I haven't had a positive experience in longer than I can remember.