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The newbie doesn't know where to turn

Posted by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 1:54 PM
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Hi everyone!  I know this is really long but i really need some constructive help to work through this.

Thanks in advance!

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years, known each other for 10.  Now 10 months after our son was born, I feel like I am missing something from him.  He helps me with the kids and the house and never gets upset about much.  Emotionally I feel abandoned.  I need to be wooed still.  I have been exercising and losing inches and weigh less now than I did pre-wedding/pre-baby.  I don't know how to get his attention without blowing up and yelling.  He keeps saying if i want attention or to be intimate I need to come get it.  Am I wrong to think that being romanced everyone once in awhile would be nice.  He has a standing poker night every month which keeps him out all evening and till the early morning and i never complain.  Is it wrong to want a standing date night, something to look forward to?  He has a lot of issues about the reasons his parents got divorced (lack of sex) that now I want it all the time and he's the one with the headache, tired, it won't work out, my back hurts excuses.  I just feel like its both of our responsibilities to work on making each other feel wanted and secure.

I feel like i am lacking at making him happy because if he was he'd show interest in me.  I have the mirena in since we aren't planning on having any more children (I have a seven year old daughter from a previous marriage).  He has never treated her like anything but his own and we have even had her name changed to reflect ours.  He is the perfect father/husband...  he goes to work everyday works the overtime, doesn't yell at me about spending the money and he always makes sure i have time to get my nails done.  Its just physically.  its not even about the sex just about feeling beautiful and like I belong to and with him.

I don't know how to fill the emptiness.  I will say that I am on wellbutrin and xanax as needed for all the situational anxiety that has been going on in our family (death, cancer, family members commited, sister/niece moving in, moving, MIL, etc.)  All married women know what i am talking about.

I don't know where to turn because every time I try to talk to anyone they tell me I have a great husband.  His ex-fiance and I are practically best friends.  I've known them both since long before they were engaged.  I feel comfortable talking about him being an idiot with her but not the mushy stuff.  I am generally a very private person and I guess being able to hid behind a screen and get the advice of strangers feels safe.

I am very happy otherwise as well.  I have serious spring fever and it seems like i can't get anything done!!!!! I am finally relaxing from everything.

He is very logical and i don't know how to make it make sense to him.

I just don't know.....................

- J

by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 1:54 PM
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by Member on Apr. 9, 2009 at 9:50 AM

Hello J-  I can really relate to how ur feeling- but in my case my husband has ED- erectile dysfunction.  To make matters worse- he has very high blood pressure takes medicine for it so we can't use other meds to help us along.  I never thought we would be going through this so young (early 40's) but i totally feel isolated- unwanted and just plain lonely.  I have never been unfaithful to him.  But when I see other couples hugging or just even holding hands I get so freakin depressed.  Right now I am thinking about separating because of other issues in our marriage but I am really at a crossroads.... and i have no idea what to do.

Try talking to him- be blunt, but tactful.  If he does have ED he probably feels like he is less of a man.  Is there any way y'all can take a mini vacation- like a weekend with just the two of you?  I know sex isn't everything but when you lose this connection with your partner, it starts to eat at you - making you think there is something wrong with you because you are being rejected.  For me I am overweight so naturally I just feel like my husband doesn't find me attractive- but yet when I am out men often look- smile -  flirt with me... go figure?

Good luck and remember- there is nothing wrong with you!

by New Member on May. 4, 2009 at 4:37 PM

im in the same boat and would love advice.  Im lost.  He is a good man and a good father but when it comes to me..i dont see that want in his eyes.I talk to him about it but he doesnt get it.  I work just as hard as him full time jhob and all and when i want sex he tells me he is tired..he isnt even hard!  I have other men, good men who are my friends tell me that he should want me and be thankful for waking up next to me... the thing is he doesnt even go to bed with me ...i dont feel wanted.  is that worth a seperation>??? or am i crazy??  it could be worse. but sadly i have no one to talk to about this.  when i got married i was told that if i ever considered divorce they would not support me in any way.  (old school italians)  then on top of it my husband works for the family biz.


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