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so sad atm

Posted by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 10:23 AM
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Hopes, I know you have dealt with this and I am at a loss.

How can I keep SD from trying to make the LOs as broken as she is? I found out yesterday that she is saying really really horrible stuff to DD6 and SS6. like one loves you, you should die etc. I am so sick to my stomach and just want her out of the house. My inlaws will take her. DH refuses to consider it.

I have completely stepped back and will no longer parent her. I know she needs a mom, I know I.shouldn't be angry at her but right.now.I.can't. I am so.upset over the emotional abuse right now.

DH is.awesome he really is, however he just wants to make her happy instead of fixing her because the guilt he has about her mom abandoning her. He IS the only one that can fix this.

Help y'all. What do I do. I will not scarifice the LOs for her. I also will not leave my marriage.

Sorry for the typos..I am mobile and about to go to work.
by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 10:23 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Special3kids
by Member on Mar. 30, 2014 at 11:08 AM
I'm so sorry. Do you have your lo's in therapy?
Silent_Sea
by Member on Mar. 30, 2014 at 1:52 PM

ETA: That I figured out the answers to my questions.  :)

I need to think a bit about what you said and come back. Hugs.

LiliM
by Member on Mar. 30, 2014 at 1:58 PM
1 mom liked this

I would tell DH there is no alternative.  Seperate the kids from SD.  Period. I wouldn't be around her, and if DH is being stubborn, I would not be babysitting her, I would not let her be around my kids, I would have her go to her room, because she is not willing to be a good family member to her siblings.

Make this painful for DH so that he does something about it. 

I am so sorry.

HopesNDreams
by Group Owner on Mar. 31, 2014 at 6:22 PM
1 mom liked this
Just saw this...I'm so sorry I didn't see this sooner! I've been dealing with stuff...

Ohhh...this is just the worst. The most heartbreaking, infuriating worst. Unforgivable. Been there...you know I have. I was blessed at that moment to have a kick ass CPS worker step into our lives. She defined SD's - and your SD's - behavior for what it is: emotional abuse. By allowing her to stay there and be near those children, your DH is CHOOSING for them to be emotionally abused each day.

This is not another parent that you are legally forced by a CO to send her to. This is a mentally ill child that you have other options for. This is a damaged child who is spreading the damage. He is CHOOSING for those other children to suffer. He needs to hear that in exactly those terms while looking at them (a picture - obviously not a conversation for little ears!!!!!). His guilt does not override their basic right to a healthy childhood.

Also, please keep in mind, hospitalization is for when the child is a danger to herself or others. Thisincludes emotionally tterrorizing others. Call it in and have her evaluated. Have the little ones testify to her therapist.
thecircus8
by Member on Mar. 31, 2014 at 10:10 PM

dh just feels like he is abandoning her.  i can't convince him otherwise! I know you know. Just no good options. And i feel like anhorrible person in each alternative.

Quoting HopesNDreams: Just saw this...I'm so sorry I didn't see this sooner! I've been dealing with stuff... Ohhh...this is just the worst. The most heartbreaking, infuriating worst. Unforgivable. Been there...you know I have. I was blessed at that moment to have a kick ass CPS worker step into our lives. She defined SD's - and your SD's - behavior for what it is: emotional abuse. By allowing her to stay there and be near those children, your DH is CHOOSING for them to be emotionally abused each day. This is not another parent that you are legally forced by a CO to send her to. This is a mentally ill child that you have other options for. This is a damaged child who is spreading the damage. He is CHOOSING for those other children to suffer. He needs to hear that in exactly those terms while looking at them (a picture - obviously not a conversation for little ears!!!!!). His guilt does not override their basic right to a healthy childhood. Also, please keep in mind, hospitalization is for when the child is a danger to herself or others. Thisincludes emotionally tterrorizing others. Call it in and have her evaluated. Have the little ones testify to her therapist.


HopesNDreams
by Group Owner on Mar. 31, 2014 at 10:36 PM
Oh yeah.

No option has to be permanent, as far as living arrangements go. What option does he offer to keep the little ones safe since she has chosen them as a target?

Are the older DDs able to help with supervision at all? Not sure how those dynamics work since they are relatively new to the scene. I was thinking of them partnered with the LOs. They would also work well for emergency scoop and remove procedures. However, as teenagers, they are likely not home often.


Quoting thecircus8:

dh just feels like he is abandoning her.  i can't convince him otherwise! I know you know. Just no good options. And i feel like anhorrible person in each alternative.

Quoting HopesNDreams: Just saw this...I'm so sorry I didn't see this sooner! I've been dealing with stuff...

Ohhh...this is just the worst. The most heartbreaking, infuriating worst. Unforgivable. Been there...you know I have. I was blessed at that moment to have a kick ass CPS worker step into our lives. She defined SD's - and your SD's - behavior for what it is: emotional abuse. By allowing her to stay there and be near those children, your DH is CHOOSING for them to be emotionally abused each day.

This is not another parent that you are legally forced by a CO to send her to. This is a mentally ill child that you have other options for. This is a damaged child who is spreading the damage. He is CHOOSING for those other children to suffer. He needs to hear that in exactly those terms while looking at them (a picture - obviously not a conversation for little ears!!!!!). His guilt does not override their basic right to a healthy childhood.

Also, please keep in mind, hospitalization is for when the child is a danger to herself or others. Thisincludes emotionally tterrorizing others. Call it in and have her evaluated. Have the little ones testify to her therapist.

thecircus8
by Member on Mar. 31, 2014 at 10:44 PM

Actually older DDs are great at emergency removal, We are well practiced. They grab and  go next door to the exinlaws. Between SS and SD we have had to do it multple times

I don't have time to be one 24hr watch of SD. I don't and neither does DH.

I am so aggravated because DH new thing is just to let her do whatever makes her happy. Unsurprisingly it is working for now. But SD is never going to be able to function like this, it is so sad. I have stepped all the way back. 

I will not be respondsible for how she turns out. At all. It is out of my hands and he knows it. 

We are keeping the kids safe, and DH does help with that. DDs too. One day at a time.

Quoting HopesNDreams: Oh yeah. No option has to be permanent, as far as living arrangements go. What option does he offer to keep the little ones safe since she has chosen them as a target? Are the older DDs able to help with supervision at all? Not sure how those dynamics work since they are relatively new to the scene. I was thinking of them partnered with the LOs. They would also work well for emergency scoop and remove procedures. However, as teenagers, they are likely not home often.
Quoting thecircus8:

dh just feels like he is abandoning her.  i can't convince him otherwise! I know you know. Just no good options. And i feel like anhorrible person in each alternative.

Quoting HopesNDreams: Just saw this...I'm so sorry I didn't see this sooner! I've been dealing with stuff... Ohhh...this is just the worst. The most heartbreaking, infuriating worst. Unforgivable. Been there...you know I have. I was blessed at that moment to have a kick ass CPS worker step into our lives. She defined SD's - and your SD's - behavior for what it is: emotional abuse. By allowing her to stay there and be near those children, your DH is CHOOSING for them to be emotionally abused each day. This is not another parent that you are legally forced by a CO to send her to. This is a mentally ill child that you have other options for. This is a damaged child who is spreading the damage. He is CHOOSING for those other children to suffer. He needs to hear that in exactly those terms while looking at them (a picture - obviously not a conversation for little ears!!!!!). His guilt does not override their basic right to a healthy childhood. Also, please keep in mind, hospitalization is for when the child is a danger to herself or others. Thisincludes emotionally tterrorizing others. Call it in and have her evaluated. Have the little ones testify to her therapist.


LiliM
by Member on Apr. 1, 2014 at 12:37 AM

What do the older DDs think about SD?

HopesNDreams
by Group Owner on Apr. 1, 2014 at 7:06 AM
I am wondering this as well.

Quoting LiliM:

What do the older DDs think about SD?

HopesNDreams
by Group Owner on Apr. 1, 2014 at 7:14 AM
My concern with that approach is, with her diagnosis, she is going to get bored and ramp things up for attention eventually. If she is already being given everything she wants, what is left??? What will your lives look like at the next level?

Do you have an iPad and an iPhone? You would need both. They have a baby monitor app. You put the iPad in the room as the camera and watch from the iPhone. This would be one way to keep an eye on the little ones when they are out of your view. Monitoring SD has legal implications due to her age, monitoring your small children/special needs child does not. I can get the app name for you if you have them. If not, a regular baby monitor would at least give you audio.

When I stepped back from SD is when she began to spiral out of control. My own kids began to improve, however. SD couldn't function without 110% of my time and attention.


Quoting thecircus8:

Actually older DDs are great at emergency removal, We are well practiced. They grab and  go next door to the exinlaws. Between SS and SD we have had to do it multple times

I don't have time to be one 24hr watch of SD. I don't and neither does DH.

I am so aggravated because DH new thing is just to let her do whatever makes her happy. Unsurprisingly it is working for now. But SD is never going to be able to function like this, it is so sad. I have stepped all the way back. 

I will not be respondsible for how she turns out. At all. It is out of my hands and he knows it. 

We are keeping the kids safe, and DH does help with that. DDs too. One day at a time.

Quoting HopesNDreams: Oh yeah.

No option has to be permanent, as far as living arrangements go. What option does he offer to keep the little ones safe since she has chosen them as a target?

Are the older DDs able to help with supervision at all? Not sure how those dynamics work since they are relatively new to the scene. I was thinking of them partnered with the LOs. They would also work well for emergency scoop and remove procedures. However, as teenagers, they are likely not home often.


Quoting thecircus8:

dh just feels like he is abandoning her.  i can't convince him otherwise! I know you know. Just no good options. And i feel like anhorrible person in each alternative.

Quoting HopesNDreams: Just saw this...I'm so sorry I didn't see this sooner! I've been dealing with stuff...

Ohhh...this is just the worst. The most heartbreaking, infuriating worst. Unforgivable. Been there...you know I have. I was blessed at that moment to have a kick ass CPS worker step into our lives. She defined SD's - and your SD's - behavior for what it is: emotional abuse. By allowing her to stay there and be near those children, your DH is CHOOSING for them to be emotionally abused each day.

This is not another parent that you are legally forced by a CO to send her to. This is a mentally ill child that you have other options for. This is a damaged child who is spreading the damage. He is CHOOSING for those other children to suffer. He needs to hear that in exactly those terms while looking at them (a picture - obviously not a conversation for little ears!!!!!). His guilt does not override their basic right to a healthy childhood.

Also, please keep in mind, hospitalization is for when the child is a danger to herself or others. Thisincludes emotionally tterrorizing others. Call it in and have her evaluated. Have the little ones testify to her therapist.

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