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So nervous!!!

Posted by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 11:14 AM
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So my dh responded to bm. The message pointed out that she doesn't call and she just wants to see my SD to make my SD feel guilty and think she will forget everything. Well, she just wrote back and told my dh that she is going to call. My SD is upset and she doesn't know what to say to her. And I'm extremely nervous bc I can see my SD being hurt and another Rollercoaster she's going to go through... Ugh I can't shake this black cloud of doom approaching.
by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 11:14 AM
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Special3kids
by Member on Mar. 30, 2014 at 12:43 PM
So, she just called and my SD cried the whole time. She begged her bm not to force visitation. She even told her that if she forced her that she would run away. The bm told her if she did she would go to juvie... When I know she wouldn't because her bm doesn't have custody, her dh does. Her bm just told her that she will go to court bc even recovering Crack addicts get their kids back, so she will get her. And then tried to make my SD feel guilty for not knowing bm's new family.... When bm blocked my SD from talking to them. Bm even told the extended family not to contact my SD. I'm so sad for my SD. I can't imagine what she is going through.
StrawberryHair
by New Member on Mar. 30, 2014 at 1:25 PM

 I feel so terrible for what you are going through, and especially for what SD is going through!  This isn't a situation that she should have to face.  She is very fortunate to have your love and support in her life.

Is there any possible way that SD therapist can get involved?  Perhaps contact with BM can be restricted more if therapist deems it too damaging for SD?  She seems like such a hazrd in this poor girl's life!  Someone in a position of authority should be able to see that, document it, and restrict BM for SD's safety.

LiliM
by Member on Mar. 30, 2014 at 2:01 PM
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Make a record of this call.  Document all that was said, and use this when BM goes to court to show why DH is not willing to allow calls or visits.  They are at his discretion.

He needs to USE that discretion.  If ever there was a time to use it, it's now. From what you're posting, this doesn't even seem like BM is caring about SD, but some sorto of "win". 

SHs suggestion of calling the therapist is a really good one.  Maybe schedule an appt for SD so she can talk to someone.

Special3kids
by Member on Mar. 30, 2014 at 5:28 PM
We make sure we record every calls. We even have an email from bm staying that we could record the calls. Bm made sure to tell my SD that she wanted my SD to slowly be integrated into her family, but now she is going to force my SD into it.
Quoting LiliM:

Make a record of this call.  Document all that was said, and use this when BM goes to court to show why DH is not willing to allow calls or visits.  They are at his discretion.

He needs to USE that discretion.  If ever there was a time to use it, it's now. From what you're posting, this doesn't even seem like BM is caring about SD, but some sorto of "win". 

SHs suggestion of calling the therapist is a really good one.  Maybe schedule an appt for SD so she can talk to someone.

Special3kids
by Member on Mar. 31, 2014 at 9:58 AM
Okay ladies, I need some strength and outside perspective. Bm kept wiring my dh last night. And before I cut and paste the last email, I need to give you more background info. The bm has for about 9 years of a 13/14 year life, been in and out. She has done some really bad stuff, like get so wasted that she was knocked out when my SD was 5, and my SD was molested (to this very day, bm refuses to believe my sd), she let a convicted child sex predator baby sit my SD when she was 9. And so much more. Every time she messed up, she later apologies and says she had change and my SD and dh believed her. She has messed up and apologizes about 15-20 times. Well, this isn't any different. She wrote my dh eexclaiming she has changed. So why does a part of me think she hadn't and a part thinks that what if she did? But I can't put my SD through that again if she hasn't. I'll post the email in a bit, but what would you do?
HopesNDreams
by Group Owner on Mar. 31, 2014 at 6:51 PM
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First, make sure you clearly state at the beginning of each call that you are recording the call. The email may not be considered enough legal notification, especially given BM's history of altered mental states.

Second, BM cannot force visitation. If visitation is at your DH's discretion, BM does not possess this power. I would strongly suggest that you remind her of this. Crazy people enjoy power and manipulation - she is reveling in it. For the love of Pete, take it away!

One thing we constantly got caught up in was 'the crazy'. BM would go off on 'what she was going to do!' It would be irrational and impossible. We would be preparing for all this insanity and driving ourselves nuts, causing huge amounts of stress to our household. All the while, we lost sight of the original premise: it was IRRATIONAL and IMPOSSIBLE. These are crazy plans made by a crazy person. They aren't going to happen. First, she isn't organized enough to take it to court - has she ever filed anything? Second, even if she does, she isn't consistent enough to ever follow through with any plan. Third, even if it happened you have enough evidence against hher to shoot down anything she would bring against you.

Your focus is on helping SD. That's it. The moment SD gets upset on the phone, you take it and say that you are very sorry, this call has gotten too upsetting, and it will have to continue later. Do not engage in the crazy emails - only quote the CO. Focus on your family!!!!
Special3kids
by Member on Apr. 5, 2014 at 11:43 AM
Okay, I'm not nervous anymore. I haven't wrote bc this whole thing has shaken up my family. My SD saw her therapist yesterday. And the therapist got upset listening to the recording of my SD and her bm. The therapist kept saying, a mom wouldn't do this to their child. She told my SD to not think of her bm (bc my SD has been super depressed, not eating since the call). And she told us (my dh and me) that we need to continue to care for my SD and not worry about bm unless she actually takes us to court. (which the therapist also doesn't think she'll do or of she does, she has no ground to stand on. So I feel a bit better, but I know this will never end unless she signs over her rights or until my SD turns 18. :-(
HopesNDreams
by Group Owner on Apr. 5, 2014 at 6:18 PM
Quoting Special3kids: Okay, I'm not nervous anymore. I haven't wrote bc this whole thing has shaken up my family. My SD saw her therapist yesterday. And the therapist got upset listening to the recording of my SD and her bm. The therapist kept saying, a mom wouldn't do this to their child. She told my SD to not think of her bm (bc my SD has been super depressed, not eating since the call). And she told us (my dh and me) that we need to continue to care for my SD and not worry about bm unless she actually takes us to court. (which the therapist also doesn't think she'll do or of she does, she has no ground to stand on. So I feel a bit better, but I know this will never end unless she signs over her rights or until my SD turns 18. :-(


I'm sorry it has been so hard on your family!

Help your SD to express what her worries are - hers may not be the same as yours. BM abandoning her, letting BM down, BM coming after you, more confrontations, flashbacks to other fights...countless other possibilities exist. It's important to know where her concerns are and help comfort those worries.

BM won't take you to court...she also won't sign over rights. Just let things be quiet. Do not initiate contact...do not engage her in any conflict - just quote the CO. Do not deviate from the CO for any reason.

If SD is on the phone with her BM, at the first sign of conflict, take the phone and tell BM that the call is over. Do not wait for a reply, just hang it up and turn off all your phones.
Special3kids
by Member on Apr. 5, 2014 at 8:45 PM
My SD told us after her call with bm, that she won't talk to her bm anymore and if we give her the phone (if bm ever does call again) she will hang up the phone. She says she has nightmares of bm forcing her to see bm and that my SD runs away. Her bm told her on the phone that she also had nightmares of my SD running away from her. Right now she has been drawing a lot and painting bc she says it helps her cope. So tomorrow I'm going to go out and buy her an easel and some more paper and material. The therapist told us to keep drama from her bm from my SD.... Which we have been trying to do, but my SD is gifted and is very smart.... And it sucks I can't hide my emotions from my face.
tiafez
by on Apr. 5, 2014 at 9:59 PM
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one thing I learned growing up with a mentally ill Mom, was that you can't argue with crazy. Nothing rational you say will sink in and it only makes you a mental mess because our minds cannot comprehend the circles their minds go in. I'm glad you've decided not to talk to her or deal with her arguements because they will never make sense to you and you need to save your calm for your SD. It wsounds like she's a lucky girl to have her Dad and you in her corner. 

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