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Meeting with SD's therapist UPDATE - reply #5

Posted by on Apr. 1, 2014 at 7:32 AM
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Today I meet by myself with SD therapist to discuss the impact (irreparable damage) caused by SD to my marriage, children, and home. For those who don't know the full story: SD was in residential. She refuse to comply with family therapy and the decision was made for her to go live with MIL so that she could meet her therapeutic goals and be released. MIL hates me and trash talked me during visits (I'm sneaky! Manipulative! A whore!) The therapist confirmed the things said about me to SD. This caused further issues in my marriage.

The entire hospitalization we were told that, upon her release, her home bead services would work with us to heal the damage she caused. So far, they have done nothing and offered nothing. Until several weeks ago, SD had me blocked from contact with her therapist (14 is the age of consent for mental health care in my state, SD is 16). My teens needed help. My marriage needed help. Needed? HA! NEEDS!

Last week, while discussing SD, DH royally freaked out about SD in front of the therapist. He just lost it. He was furious at me and irrational. He upset both of our toddlers with his yelling. All the while, he was saying that I needed help to deal with this. It was started because his mother was taking SD to an out of network doctor and he wouldn't confront her - he thought it would be better to see if any bills came in. He asked me to look into it, but was angry when I did and told him what the answer was.

So, the therapist is coming to find out what the issues are. Should be interesting...

by on Apr. 1, 2014 at 7:32 AM
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Replies (1-10):
tiafez
by New Member on Apr. 1, 2014 at 11:43 AM
1 mom liked this

This is why I joined here, to give you support and let you know you aren't alone. 

Silent_Sea
by Member on Apr. 1, 2014 at 3:07 PM
1 mom liked this

 Hugs. I hope this is the beginning of a change in the right direction for you Hopes.

Carolina1019
by New Member on Apr. 1, 2014 at 3:53 PM
1 mom liked this

I NEVER mention my oldest SD in SM Central. 

She's 26, and an addict. Her antics have caused some very very painful to damage to our family.

Just want you to know you are not alone. 


pdxmum
by Member on Apr. 1, 2014 at 7:41 PM
3 moms liked this

Any update on the meeting?

I have come to believe that SPs are in vulnerable positions.  We get blamed by the children even under normal situations because it is easier to blame us than their BP.  Add mental illness to the mix and some of become the devil.  It was hard dealing with this 5 years ago with SD21, but we barely had a relationship so it was relatively easy not to take it personally.  Sitting in the hospital a month ago with BM and her boyfriend and DH as the social worker read chart notes detailing my evil transgressions as described by SS15 was surreal and painful.  He is my sweet, loving boy andr it was if I was all to blame for his issues.

Luckily, I think the two of us have worked through his perceptions, but it created a barrier for me.  I know I am just a little closed off to him now.  We'll see where it goes.

I hope you got some relief today.

HopesNDreams
by Group Owner on Apr. 1, 2014 at 8:14 PM
Thanks for the support everyone!

I like this therapist - I really do! I don't think he is going to do a blessed thing to help SD in her journey, but I think that is because of her, not him.

PDX...our situations are similar. I am blamed for it all by SD. With all the wackos in her past, somehow, my brief years of stability did irreparable harm!!! Arrrggghhh...beware...the normal will get you!!! That I can deal with...it's too bizarre to keep me down for long. Plus, with her out of the house, I don't have to deal with it ever.

The current back and forth is over 'me staying out of it', but 'handling it'. Sound like a mixed message? I think so, but to DH it is not. His way to cope with his ex taking SD all those years ago, getting screwed in the endless court hearings, and the horror show since then is to shut it all off. For him, if SD is not in front of him, she does not exist. There is not reason to talk about her, think about her, or do anything for her. Alongside that, is a history of abuse from his own mother that leaves him unable to stand up to her. Plus, if MIL is not on the room, she does not exist either. This translates to DH feeling incredibly nagged by me when I want to deal with any of these issues about MIL lying about suicide attempts, medical bills, etc. Why am I making him deal with this stuff???? My job is to just handle it for him and let him pretend it doesn't exist. Sadly for him, I am not that passive or accommodating: it is his child and his mother, so he must be involved. All of these dynamics were explained to the therapist.

Further, we just had a huge issue with a doctor's appointment and some expensive testing. DH was clear to MIL that SD had to go to a doctor that was in network. MIL agreed. Previously, MIL had talked about taking her to her doctor and working out a 'deal'. MIL has lied a lot about a lot of stuff - she think if she is doing it the way she wants, then that is just fine. She was asked many, many times if the doctor was in network, including by me the day of the appointment. She lied. If any of the testing is not approved, we are stuck with 100% of the bill - potentially thousands of dollars. MIL said she called to verify it is covered, but this is a woman who lies constantly when it suits her purpose. The money is only a small part of the issue. We can hold that back from the support we pay her.

My background is special education. I was once considered kind of brilliant. To MIL and DH, I am apparently and idiot, so who knows where I stand these days! My concern is that we are teaching a bipolar, borderline personality disorder diagnosed young lady how to lie and deceive to get medical treatment. We are teaching how to fraudulently charge another person for that treatment. SD has every intention of moving put on her own in a year. Every appointment should be a life skills lesson for her. She should be preparing her medical history, she should be internet searching a covered doctor - she should not be learning how to sctew her father over for medical bills. She has diagnoses that excel at lying and manipulation - why are we teaching her more????? The therapist agreed.

We talked about some other stuff concerning DH and his family. I said to him that I could sum it up with one image. I pulled out my wedding album. MIL wanted a family portrait done at the wedding, so everyone was gathered - typical wedding moment! I asked the therapist if he noticed anyone missing from my wedding. He looked up at me. I said, yep, I wasn't invited to be in it. That's how I have been treated from day one. There was no toast to invite me into the family and they left the wedding two hours early. They just suck.

I feel better now. I feel glad I started this group.
thecircus8
by Member on Apr. 1, 2014 at 9:52 PM
1 mom liked this

Oh chica... I know we are dealing with similar sitchs in some ways. However I do (mostly) have the supporrt of my DH and inlaws. Also SD is bad but nota s bad. When i said I was done handling it, DH was ok with it and even though he IS not handling it he is asking me too. 

Normal is scary. lol

Hugs... and I am glad you started this group too.

Quoting HopesNDreams: Thanks for the support everyone! I like this therapist - I really do! I don't think he is going to do a blessed thing to help SD in her journey, but I think that is because of her, not him. PDX...our situations are similar. I am blamed for it all by SD. With all the wackos in her past, somehow, my brief years of stability did irreparable harm!!! Arrrggghhh...beware...the normal will get you!!! That I can deal with...it's too bizarre to keep me down for long. Plus, with her out of the house, I don't have to deal with it ever. The current back and forth is over 'me staying out of it', but 'handling it'. Sound like a mixed message? I think so, but to DH it is not. His way to cope with his ex taking SD all those years ago, getting screwed in the endless court hearings, and the horror show since then is to shut it all off. For him, if SD is not in front of him, she does not exist. There is not reason to talk about her, think about her, or do anything for her. Alongside that, is a history of abuse from his own mother that leaves him unable to stand up to her. Plus, if MIL is not on the room, she does not exist either. This translates to DH feeling incredibly nagged by me when I want to deal with any of these issues about MIL lying about suicide attempts, medical bills, etc. Why am I making him deal with this stuff???? My job is to just handle it for him and let him pretend it doesn't exist. Sadly for him, I am not that passive or accommodating: it is his child and his mother, so he must be involved. All of these dynamics were explained to the therapist. Further, we just had a huge issue with a doctor's appointment and some expensive testing. DH was clear to MIL that SD had to go to a doctor that was in network. MIL agreed. Previously, MIL had talked about taking her to her doctor and working out a 'deal'. MIL has lied a lot about a lot of stuff - she think if she is doing it the way she wants, then that is just fine. She was asked many, many times if the doctor was in network, including by me the day of the appointment. She lied. If any of the testing is not approved, we are stuck with 100% of the bill - potentially thousands of dollars. MIL said she called to verify it is covered, but this is a woman who lies constantly when it suits her purpose. The money is only a small part of the issue. We can hold that back from the support we pay her. My background is special education. I was once considered kind of brilliant. To MIL and DH, I am apparently and idiot, so who knows where I stand these days! My concern is that we are teaching a bipolar, borderline personality disorder diagnosed young lady how to lie and deceive to get medical treatment. We are teaching how to fraudulently charge another person for that treatment. SD has every intention of moving put on her own in a year. Every appointment should be a life skills lesson for her. She should be preparing her medical history, she should be internet searching a covered doctor - she should not be learning how to sctew her father over for medical bills. She has diagnoses that excel at lying and manipulation - why are we teaching her more????? The therapist agreed. We talked about some other stuff concerning DH and his family. I said to him that I could sum it up with one image. I pulled out my wedding album. MIL wanted a family portrait done at the wedding, so everyone was gathered - typical wedding moment! I asked the therapist if he noticed anyone missing from my wedding. He looked up at me. I said, yep, I wasn't invited to be in it. That's how I have been treated from day one. There was no toast to invite me into the family and they left the wedding two hours early. They just suck. I feel better now. I feel glad I started this group.


pdxmum
by Member on Apr. 2, 2014 at 12:23 AM
1 mom liked this

I don't know how you do it hopes.  I am barely hanging on tonight yet I realize I have it easy.

Did DH get it at all?

Sending grounding, peaceful energy.  Hoping some bounces back.

HopesNDreams
by Group Owner on Apr. 2, 2014 at 4:50 AM
Does he get it? That is the $64,000 question! He is only now just starting to accept parts of her diagnosis - this is progress! He is only accepting that because his mother is having the same issues I reported. It's almost as if SD had the issues and they weren't ME!!!!

As far as doing anything about it, his family quite literally never helped him with anything. He had his first job at 11 and had to start paying rent with the money. He had to move out at 18 and when he could make it financially, he moved back in and was forced to sleep in the unfinished part of the basement under drying laundry. In three months, they had already redone his room and weren't going to convert it back or let him sleep on a sofa. These aren't people who accommodate anything.

Today, I am going on my older DD's field trip to Washington, D.C. I am chaperoning a fabulous group of girls and we should have a great time. I am focusing on that! I am leaving the whack-a-doos behind for the day!


Quoting pdxmum:

I don't know how you do it hopes.  I am barely hanging on tonight yet I realize I have it easy.

Did DH get it at all?

Sending grounding, peaceful energy.  Hoping some bounces back.

Carolina1019
by New Member on Apr. 2, 2014 at 8:34 AM


Quote:

My concern is that we are teaching a bipolar, borderline personality disorder diagnosed young lady how to lie and deceive to get medical treatment.


I hate to say this, but if she truly has BPD -- she already knows how to lie and deceive, sadly.

Hopes, do you have your own therapist, who is not tied into this situation at all? I feel like you need someone in this to advocate just for YOU, not your family as a whole, not SD, not DH, but YOU. Does that make sense?

BPD is a heinous, heinous disorder for the people dealing with the fallout.

HopesNDreams
by Group Owner on Apr. 2, 2014 at 9:11 AM
I don't for a few reasons. I have four kids - two teens of mine and two toddlers with DH. My time is maxed out. DH also just started his own business a few months ago. With that came an insurance change. The previous insurance had lousy coverage for therapy - this one is just as bad. Between time and money, it just hasn't been an option. Quite honestly, if I have $50 and a few hours every week, I'd rather reconnect with the friends I've lost touch with throughout all of this mess! I agree with you that an advocate for me is necessary.

I know that SD knows how to lie and manipulate. I am angry that instead of placing limits on her, we are giving her lessons! We are encouraging it! Neither MIL nor DH is capable of giving any thought to the long range implications of any of this. The therapist is on board with it, but he can't convince them - they don't understand anything by the moment they live in.


Quoting Carolina1019:


Quote:My concern is that we are teaching a bipolar, borderline personality disorder diagnosed young lady how to lie and deceive to get medical treatment.

I hate to say this, but if she truly has BPD -- she already knows how to lie and deceive, sadly.

Hopes, do you have your own therapist, who is not tied into this situation at all? I feel like you need someone in this to advocate just for YOU, not your family as a whole, not SD, not DH, but YOU. Does that make sense?

BPD is a heinous, heinous disorder for the people dealing with the fallout.

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