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Charges to be filed soon - Do I notify BM?

Posted by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 3:26 PM
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 Some of you may already be aware of my situation form my post in SMC.  My SS12 molested my 4 year niece.  I was able to speak with some one in the DA's office today.  Jurisdiction issues have created extreme delays, but Sexual Assault charges will be filed against SS in the next week or two.  From there we will be assigned a public defender and sent a summons for our court date.  The DA reiterated that there are no services available to us during an ongoing investigation, but has assured me that our local juvenile probation is very good at setting up families with rehabilitative services.

So, all that aside, my current issue is how conflicted I feel about BM.  She walked out on SS and DH when SS was only 2 months old.  She has not paid child support since spring of 2012, when she left the military and no longer had child support automatically taken form her pay.  She allowed health insurance for SS to lapse, made no attempt to notify us, made no attempt to secure other health insurance for SS, and made no attempt to assist with expenses incurred as a result of his lapse in coverage.  She has not once initiated contact with SS in the 5 years that I have been in the picture.  Sometimes she will answer and speak with SS when he calls her, but most often she does not answer and does not return his calls.  She is always too busy for visitation.  In the past 5 years, the only time that SS has been able to visit BM is if he visits Maternal grandparents and BM happens to be there at the same time.  There have been multiple occasions when BM has visited her parents while asking the no one notify us of her presence so that she will not have to visit SS.  She doesn't even bother to call or send a card for birthdays and holidays.  She is right on the line of legal parental abandonment.

DH feels that BM has essentially abandoned SS.  He does not want to pursue child support or visitation or anything else from her.  He feels that it is the responsibility of our immediate family to meet the needs of SS, that he has two parents with out BM, and that BM shouldn't even be a thought or consideration for us.

I'm asking for you to weigh in and tell me what you think about notifying BM of SS's current legal situation.  I'm angry at her, and I so want to put it right in her face how damaging her behavior has been for SS.  I've considered going to her mother to try to get contact info for her.  Side note - really says something that I don't even have an effective way to contact BM.  I considered flat out asking her to tell us just how involved and updated she wants to be.  But, what would it really accomplish?  And would she really be honest and ad mitt that she doesn't want anything to do with SS?

How would others approach this?

by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 3:26 PM
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Replies (1-6):
HopesNDreams
by Group Owner on Apr. 3, 2014 at 3:43 PM
1 mom liked this
I think you want to contact BM as a way to vent your anger and bash the living crap out of her. Satisfying? Possibly. Will it accomplish anything remotely positive for your situation? No, I just don't think it will. As a matter of fact, I think it will open the gates for BM to have a ton of incredibly negative contact with SS, DH, and you. It could also create legal issues if the whack-a-doo decided she she had a sudden interest in exercising her parental rights. As me husband says, you don't invite the vampires in.

What I would encourage is letter writing...post writing here...venting to girlfriends...get those thoughts out! These next few months will be stressful!!!

Just so you know...BM will not have any cathartic moment when she says 'gee, I caused all this damage to my child'. The truly twisted never do. They were always 'doing their best' as the f***ed up their kids.

My heart goes out to you!
thecircus8
by Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 5:47 PM
I agree with Hopes. It wont solve anything. Vent to us but if BM is as damaged as it seems then she won't ever own up to the damage she has caused. Just invite more problems.
StrawberryHair
by New Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 8:19 PM

 Thanks guys.  I think I already knew the answer, I just needed to hear someone else say it back at me.

Some days I just wish that there was something that I could do to hurt her as much as she has hurt her child.  My mom abondaned me, but she's a life-long alcoholic and meth addict.  SS's BM is, as far as I can tell, just a regular person.  She even went on to have another son and she fought for sole custody of him and is raising him herself.  I just can't wrap my head around any possible reason she could have for tossing my SS aside. 

And this is why I get defensive when other posters advise me to walk out.  I didn't just make a commitment to DH, I made a committment to SS.  It is so very far from easy to be his mother most days, but I will not walk out on him for any reason.  What would that do to his trust?

Yes, I'm venting.

HopesNDreams
by Group Owner on Apr. 3, 2014 at 8:59 PM
Quoting StrawberryHair:

 Thanks guys.  I think I already knew the answer, I just needed to hear someone else say it back at me.


Some days I just wish that there was something that I could do to hurt her as much as she has hurt her child.  My mom abondaned me, but she's a life-long alcoholic and meth addict.  SS's BM is, as far as I can tell, just a regular person.  She even went on to have another son and she fought for sole custody of him and is raising him herself.  I just can't wrap my head around any possible reason she could have for tossing my SS aside. 


And this is why I get defensive when other posters advise me to walk out.  I didn't just make a commitment to DH, I made a committment to SS.  It is so very far from easy to be his mother most days, but I will not walk out on him for any reason.  What would that do to his trust?


Yes, I'm venting.



Does a 'regular person' abandon their child? Ummmmm....no. Does a child with SS's issues come from being raised by a 'regular person'. Maybe yes, it could be purely hereditary, but then again, there's that whole abandonment thing. Why would a 'regular person' fight so hard for one child and ignore another?

Some people are just way better at hiding their issues under 'regular'.
Silent_Sea
by on Apr. 4, 2014 at 4:07 PM

 Sorry Strawberry - I agree with Hopes. Write here. We will listen. 

LiliM
by Member on Apr. 6, 2014 at 5:55 PM
Write here.

If you must do something sue for eliminating her parental rights and back child support as well as medical expenses she should be sharing in.

They'll take any tax return she ever might get.

She's an asshole so if you hit her wallet it will hurt. Nothing will be equal to the pain and damage she's caused SS. NOTHING.

However, get her completely removed legally if DH already hasn't and keep up with her arrears.
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