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13yo Mini-Wife- Moved from Stepmom Support Club

Posted by on Jun. 29, 2014 at 8:20 PM
  • 11 Replies
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Hello, this is going to be very long because I'm moving it over from the other forum so I will just copy and paste my posts. Sorry about the length!
I am new here and need help! Background: My fiancé and I have a 10 month old baby. He also has a 13 year old daughter. First off he and her mother were never in an actual relationship. She was a stripper and he was 21 years old and .... Male.
Before we got together they had years of problems. She is dirty!! Her mother had even had supervised visitation for a time for hitting her 5 year old daughter, I'll call her Mandy. She also continued to "dance" for years, lived with drug addicts and had another child. Therefore, Mandy had been living with her dad. She and I were very close before her dad and I got together.
Dad and I have been friends for about five years and only started dating in October of 2012. We started our relationship very slowly because we wanted to make sure it would work and not risk our friendship. We ended up getting pregnant almost immediately into our physical relationship but were excited because we'd already been talking marriage.
Mandy is a pure mini-wife and is making my life hell. I try not to hate her but I can barely look at her, much less pretend to care about school or her social life. She is turning into her manipulative, game-playing mother. She lies to us, snoops through our room, takes pictures of our house, complains about us on the internet, and makes up pure lies about us to get sympathy from other people!!!! Then she will turn around and try to be daddy's little girl by kissing his ass and trying to push me out of his life and be his other woman. It's disgusting the way she acts like his girlfriend- not his daughter. He is just as fed up as I am and we are seriously considering just dropping her off at her mother's and saying "good riddance!"
Did I mention that her mother ENCOURAGES her behavior?! We started locking our bedroom door when we went to work because we thought she was snooping through our room. Mandy apparently didn't like that and texted her mother that "their door is locked again". Her mother replied "that's weird - they are obviously hiding something". (Yes we looked through her phone- she is 13 and we pay for it).
Really, Bitch?!?! We locked OUR BEDROOM door and we are hiding something?!!! It's summer vacation. We keep cash in there and work all day and don't know what goes on in our house when we aren't home. Damned right we lock OUR door. And there is NOTHING in that room that Mandy could possibly need!! No reason for her to lay a hand on that doorknob!! If there was, she would have texted Dadddddyyyyy about it- she can't sneeze without telling him Right.Away. !!!!!
And why is her mother involved in this? Did she tell her to go into our room to look for something? The "again" was the absolute kicker. No pretext. No "I was looking for my other shoe and their door is locked". Just "their door is locked again." So she had obviously told her mother previously that we started locking our door. I can only wonder what she had been doing in there BEFORE we started locking it and how her mother is involved!! I can, however, guarantee that it somehow got blamed on ME because no matter what happens, it's MY fault.
Oh, did I mention that we keep finding underwear in our room that aren't mine and definitely aren't Mandy's? They're way too big for her. And I can PROMISE you that my fiancé is not cheating on me in our own home while working 6 days a week and caring for our baby until I get home. I know this because we love each other and the underwear are clean. I seriously doubt that he would cheat and then WASH her underwear and leave them for me to find.... If you saw the state of our disaster/bedroom, you would agree.
The next text we saw that was sent a few hours later?? A picture of MY empty wine bottle with the quote "The house. Ugh". And mom-of-the-years reply". ":(. I'm sorry you have to be around that."
Background: the kitchen was a mess. There were also a few beer cans in the recycling bin but no pictures of those!!! Oh- and she had been at her mother's house for the weekend when I drank that wine!!!! She wasn't "around" ANYTHING!!! We don't drink during the week!
And of course, we can't say anything to her because I don't want her to know we go through her phone! It's sad but it's the only way we know what's going on with her!! And how involved her mother is!!
I don't know what to do but she is destroying our relationship. We try to stay united but it causes us stress to not be able to trust her, and we are fighting constantly and I honestly don't know if I can marry him. I'm considering leaving him but know that I'll just be outing MY daughter in a similar position in the future!
by on Jun. 29, 2014 at 8:20 PM
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by on Jun. 29, 2014 at 8:21 PM
Thank you for replying. To be honest, I've told him many times how I feel. And when we discuss her behavior alone, he always agrees with me that it's inappropriate and needs to stop, etc. My post was so long, I didn't even go into half of the stuff she had done, like take us to court because she wanted to live with her mom (her mom basically ignored her for years until I came around). -- and then change her mind at the last minute because the attention from her mother stopped.
The list of stunts she's pulled is endless.
Anyway, we always agree on what to do, but then when it comes to execution, she manipulates him and he and I end up fighting about it!! And I course. As soon as we start fighting, she is right there holding his hand and blaming me. Even when he's told her that I was right and he was wrong...
I just can't take it anymore.
by on Jun. 29, 2014 at 8:22 PM
When we first started having problems, he didn't believe me. It was all "everyone else thinks Mandy is the greatest thing since sliced bread!!! You and her mother are the only ones that complain about her!!! You just resent her!" (Yes, her mother). He even accused me of making up lies about her behavior.
After we got the totally out-of-the-blue letters saying that she had her mother go to court for custody and found the first text messages to her mother talking about wanting to move, while SIMULTANEOUSLY telling US that she didn't want to go to her moms anymore! (.Btw, her mother overnighted that letter so that I had to sign for it on the FIRST day I had my baby home from the hospital!! While Mandy was sitting on the couch with the baby and me pretending she knew nothing!!!).
So after that he started to see it. KatieLeeDouglas, I printed out your mini-wife list and handed it to him while I went into JCPenney Christmas shopping!! I didn't say a word or try to discuss it, I just said "please read this and keep an open mind." He totally did an about-face and started stopping her from stealing my seat, pushing me out of the way so she could walk with him and the baby at the grocery store etc etc etc. and calling her out on her lying!!!!
Keep in mind, this child is so manipulative, she doesn't actually SAY anything disrespectful or rude to me. Or to him. She just pretends she "forgot" to do what I asked her to, or "didn't get the text" I sent, blah blah blah..... And then turns around and lies to people about me/us, but always manages to make it my fault and not his.
So we have tried to put a united front, but I know that he feels like it is his fault she is such a little mini-wife and manipulative brat. He was single a LONG time before we got together and as I said he and her mother were never together. And I remember how when we were just friends he would talk about how she was his best friend- his 8year old daughter- and she was all he had etc. and even at the time I tried to tell him not to treat her that way. It's a lot f pressure for a young girl. And I know she felt the same way, like he was her best friend. She is now 13 years old and has a photo in her room that she put captions under if "Princess Mandy and Prince Daddy". (Have I mentioned how sick I am of hearing "daddy"?!?!)
So a lot of her behavior is resentment of the baby and me because we are a family. And her mom has her other family also. So I try to empathize and tell her I understand that it's hard knowing she never had/will have two parents together, but it is what it is and she can either be bitter or accept it and move on! We have tried to discuss how inappropriate the lying etc is and she cries and feels bad and Says she will stop, and he feels bad for yelling, gets mad at me because she is upset, and then we end up fighting because I know bullshit when I smell it.
And then we do things like find messages to her mother about our door being locked....
He is hurting, I know he feels responsible. But she/he is ruining OUR little family.
by New Member on Jun. 30, 2014 at 1:57 PM
Considering that her father created this problem, IMO its his job to fix it. If that means sending her to get professional help, or to her mothers...whatever...its his job, not yours. She is his kid. He messed her up. And now he needs to fix it. Kids don't turn into assholes for no reason, they are products of their environment. In this situation natural consequences are in order and that may mean having her move out until she can behave herself.
by on Jun. 30, 2014 at 2:11 PM
He is trying to fix it. I try not to blame him because I know his daughter is also more clingy just because at her mothers, she has had younger siblings since she was two, so she likes Daddy more because she was the center of attention with him and his family.
Also, as much as he definitely allowed the mini wife part to happen, he has ALWAYS discouraged lying and hiding things, whereas her mother has always lied, been manipulative etc.
by New Member on Jun. 30, 2014 at 5:10 PM
In your op you stated he started calling her out on her lying after reading the book. That leads me to believe has always let the little things slip and small kids need constant structure...not half assed structure from a father who relied on a child to fulfill his emotional needs. This girl has 13 years to learn how to behave this way and has been given no skills to change it. He needs to get her professional help to deal with the emotional incest that he has fostered in their relationship.
by on Jun. 30, 2014 at 6:59 PM
You're right. I totally blame her clinginess on him and his family for trying to compensate for her mother by spoiling her making her thing the world revolves around her.
However, I blame her and her mother for the lying and manipulation and sneaking around....
by on Jun. 30, 2014 at 7:00 PM
And I think the combination is toxic.
by New Member on Jun. 30, 2014 at 7:06 PM
Yes, it is toxic. Have you suggested counseling for the both of you? That kind of resentment is hard to process.
by on Jun. 30, 2014 at 7:20 PM
She was going to counseling when she decided to have her mom take us to court last year. I can't say how effective it was because she seemed to be lying to him too. And we were in counseling but my insurance changed and with going back to work, and daycare, we can't afford ours right now.
Mandy's mother convinced her she didn't need it anymore after we went to court and she lost. She didn't want to pay her half.
by Group Owner on Jul. 1, 2014 at 11:01 AM

Sorry I'm so late starting into this thread.  DH got home early yesterday and I ended up spending a lot of the day with him:)

I totally believe many BM's are a BIG cause of some of the symptoms of Mini-Wife Syndrome.  When they realize THEY no longer have the power to cause problems in our homes, they send their minion to do it lol.  That happened here with us.  SD12 never even thought about going on private dates with Daddyyyy until her mom put her up to it... right after we finished an argument in which my DH told her she no longer had any control here.

I am convinced the biggest thing we can ALL do is strengthen our relationships with our husbands and get him on our side so we can work together to correct the problem.  It sounds like your husband is open to the idea and willing, but his guilty-dad syndrome keeps tripping him up.

The trick is, IMO, to keep that balance where he understands we're not happy with the mini-wife behavior but to not make him think we are trying to harm his child (because we're NOT.  Remember, mini-wife syndrome is UNHEALTHY for the child, as well.)

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