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Hi!

Posted by on Oct. 8, 2015 at 12:31 AM
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Hi there!
I just have some questions! First does poly mean that everyone is with everything? Do poly groups/couples always live all together?
Perhaps I'm identifying wrong? This is all new to me so let me explain.
I'm not currently in a poly situation nor have I ever been. Ideally I'd like to maintain the 50's type home to the outside world with the openness for my husband to date other women. And for myself to date other men. Not in a purely sexual way.. But, emotionally etc actually dating...
by on Oct. 8, 2015 at 12:31 AM
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Replies (1-6):
StormiAnn
by New Member on Oct. 12, 2015 at 8:57 PM
Bump!
poppys_mommy
by New Member on Oct. 13, 2015 at 12:06 PM

I'm new here so I'm far from an expert, but I believe what you're looking for is poly.  Not all poly folks live together and levels of involvement vary.  As I understand it, poly is just the belief that you can have multiple committed, loving relationships.

(As far as maintaining your 1950s household appearance, I think that's possible.  That's what we're trying to do right now.  However (big however!), I'm rethinking it because it's sort of changing my relationship with the world.  I have no poly friends (other than those involved in the relationship) so I can't talk about what's going on at all in a fairly major part of my life right now.  When people ask, "What's new?" and I'm thinking, "I'm in this new relationship and I'm all giddy and excited and my 6 year old just noted she's never seen me so happy..." and instead I am stuck shrugging and saying, "Eh, not much.")

StormiAnn
by New Member on Oct. 14, 2015 at 9:15 AM
Thanks for your response! :) I feel like you clarified a lot for me.
For the most part we would appear to the outside world as a "1950s type family", my closest friend would know as I tell her everything. She already knows where my heart is at, how I love my husband but, think monogamy is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. Right now I just don't understand why I can't love more than one man. My heart is capable. Actually I already do love more then one man (have for years) but, I'm only "with" the one I'm married to.
I wish my brain could have realized how I truly felt about it all so I could have discussed this with my husband before engagement or marriage.
How did you bring it up? I think there's always fear of hurting the other person unnecessarily or them thinking they are "not enough)


Quoting poppys_mommy:

I'm new here so I'm far from an expert, but I believe what you're looking for is poly.  Not all poly folks live together and levels of involvement vary.  As I understand it, poly is just the belief that you can have multiple committed, loving relationships.

(As far as maintaining your 1950s household appearance, I think that's possible.  That's what we're trying to do right now.  However (big however!), I'm rethinking it because it's sort of changing my relationship with the world.  I have no poly friends (other than those involved in the relationship) so I can't talk about what's going on at all in a fairly major part of my life right now.  When people ask, "What's new?" and I'm thinking, "I'm in this new relationship and I'm all giddy and excited and my 6 year old just noted she's never seen me so happy..." and instead I am stuck shrugging and saying, "Eh, not much.")

poppys_mommy
by New Member on Oct. 14, 2015 at 1:55 PM
1 mom liked this

This came up for us many years before we got married, when we were in college.  It was actually an outside guy who messaged me asking about my then-boyfriend (who is bi) and I was shocked.  We're dating!  How could you even ASK about something like that!  Well, that actually opened up the discussion at least.  (This guy is openly poly now, though I'm not sure we had the words for it nearly 20 years ago when this came up.)

After some talk, we decided that it wasn't really an issue for either of us to be strictly monogamous.  I felt I had to be because that's how things are done.  (I'm basically very traditionally minded so this really pushed the envelope for me initially.)  I realized it didn't HAVE to be that way.  We could be interested in each other and still be interested in others or have a fling or whatever.  It honestly had never occurred to me that this COULD work.  We were comfortable being very honest with each other about it.  Really took the pressure out of things in college and at parties.  No one had to worry about people getting a little flirty or a kiss (assuming it was fine with the people involved).  Dh and I talked a lot so it brought us closer.  

Eventually, a few relationships developed.  (It was 3 couples with varying degrees of relationships (all friends, some more romantic) between the 6 of us.)  Then we could talk more about if the developing relationships were an issue for us (nope) and what things were ok or made us feel jealous or whatever.  It really was the best time in our marriage.   Perhaps because we were sort of mutually involved or perhaps because everyone was married and no one wanted to hurt another's marriage, it was a bit easier.  Anything that seemed to cause an issue with a married couple was immediately backed off.  Mostly, people were happier though.  And it makes me happy to see dh happy, so that was all wonderful.

Also, whenever I'd find myself planning lots of things with the other guy, I'd always try to do similar with my husband in roughly the same time frame.  This isn't a must, but if I was thinking, "Hey, I could plan a special dinner for the other guy on Tuesday or Wednesday" then I'd also think, "Oh!  and I could do dinner and a movie with dh on Monday or Friday!"  It wasn't exactly the same all the time and it wasn't in an attempt to keep them equal, but it's easy to get caught up in the excitement of a new relationship and I didn't want to do it at DH's expense.  I would have been happy to give dh that affection and attention anyway, but without new guy, I probably wouldn't have thought of it.  (Does that make sense?)  This was all in my head and it was never obvious to anyone, but just the inner workings of my mind at the time.  And probably contributed to having a really very happy marriage.

Eventually, non-married relationships fizzled because people were moving or started having kids or whatever (marriages are still all together after 10+ years).  I suppose we were still poly in the meantime, but nothing came up until recently.  One of the guys in the aforementioned couples, who have been living a more active poly lifestyle (wife has a bf of nearly 2 years now) noted aloud to me that our lives have shifted again and we might have more time (kids are older, etc) so perhaps there's a relationship here worth exploring.  So that's where we are now.

A lot more details about not-quite your question, but maybe this gives you a little insight.  :)



Quoting StormiAnn: Thanks for your response! :) I feel like you clarified a lot for me. For the most part we would appear to the outside world as a "1950s type family", my closest friend would know as I tell her everything. She already knows where my heart is at, how I love my husband but, think monogamy is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. Right now I just don't understand why I can't love more than one man. My heart is capable. Actually I already do love more then one man (have for years) but, I'm only "with" the one I'm married to. I wish my brain could have realized how I truly felt about it all so I could have discussed this with my husband before engagement or marriage. How did you bring it up? I think there's always fear of hurting the other person unnecessarily or them thinking they are "not enough)
Quoting poppys_mommy:

I'm new here so I'm far from an expert, but I believe what you're looking for is poly.  Not all poly folks live together and levels of involvement vary.  As I understand it, poly is just the belief that you can have multiple committed, loving relationships.

(As far as maintaining your 1950s household appearance, I think that's possible.  That's what we're trying to do right now.  However (big however!), I'm rethinking it because it's sort of changing my relationship with the world.  I have no poly friends (other than those involved in the relationship) so I can't talk about what's going on at all in a fairly major part of my life right now.  When people ask, "What's new?" and I'm thinking, "I'm in this new relationship and I'm all giddy and excited and my 6 year old just noted she's never seen me so happy..." and instead I am stuck shrugging and saying, "Eh, not much.")


Anryan
by Member on Oct. 14, 2015 at 6:38 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting StormiAnn: Hi there! I just have some questions! First does poly mean that everyone is with everything?  poly simply means many and in this case having more thatn one romantic and/or sexual partner.  If someone is in a poly relationship everyone should be on board and ok with no secrets, otherwise it is cheating
Do poly groups/couples always live all together?  No not all poly groups live together, alot do but everyone's poly is different....from the types of people to the types of relationships to how they live.  We lived together for 6 yrs and now live apart but are still together....living seperately just worked better in the long run.  4 adults 4 kids is alot lol.
Perhaps I'm identifying wrong? This is all new to me so let me explain. I'm not currently in a poly situation nor have I ever been. Ideally I'd like to maintain the 50's type home to the outside world with the openness for my husband to date other women. And for myself to date other men. Not in a purely sexual way.. But, emotionally etc actually dating...  Poly is like monogamy on steroids, it is tough.  Have you guys discussed things like....what happens if someone else finds out, how will you feel if you or your husband develops feelings for another, how you will take it if you hear your spouse, or your spouse hears you call another the pet names they use for you (i.e. sweetie, honey, etc), how will you feel if your partner finds someone and you don't and vice versa, realizing that they, and you, will share things with other partners that you guys as primaries may not share,  managing time between it all, etc etc. My hubby and i had been married 10 yrs before we decided to do this and then talked about it for another 2 yrs before we actually decided to jump in.  The big things everyone worried about (sex) were easy it was all the little everyday things that we hadn't considered after 2 yrs of talking that caused potholes we had to repair.  Poly is amazing, don't get me wrong but it is alot of work.  It is alot of work personally on yourself and with your partner and with your partners partner and your other partner and so on and so on lol.  We have lived this way for almost 10 yrs now, if i can help in any way let me know.


Anryan,

Wife to.....

  David    and   Irish

B-n-p-momma
by New Member on Jan. 4, 2016 at 4:04 PM

Hi. Sorry I'm late in welcoming you. Good luck in your poly life

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