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STUN GUN (Only a guy would do this!)

Posted by on Mar. 4, 2007 at 12:30 AM
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STUN GUN (Only a guy would do this!) > > Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who > purchased > his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this > : > > Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & > Pawn Shop that sparked > my interest. > > The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary, and I was looking > for > a little something "extra" for my wife. > > What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized > taser. > > The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, > with no long-term > adverse affect on the assailant, allowing her adequate > time to retreat to > safety.... WAY TOO COOL! > Long story short, I bought > the device, and brought it home. > > I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing, and pushed > the button. > > Nothing! > > I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I > pushed the button AND > pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get > the blue arc of > electricity darting back and forth between the > prongs. > Awesome!!! > Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni > what that burn spot is on > the face of her microwave. > Okay, so I was > home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself > that it couldn't be > all THAT bad, with only two triple-A batteries, > right?!! > > There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on > intently > (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions, and > thinking > that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & > blood moving target. > I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a > fraction of > a second) and then thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat. > > > But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect > herself > against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work > as > advertised. Am I wrong? > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a > tank top, with my reading > glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my > nose, directions in one > hand, and taser in another. > > The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and > disorient > your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle > spasms, > and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would > purportedly > make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of > water. Any burst > longer than three seconds would just be wasting the > batteries. > All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring > about 5" long, less > than 3/4 inch in circumference; (pretty cute really, and > loaded with two itsy, > bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "NO possible > way!" > What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my > best... > I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked > to one > side as if to say, "Don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second > burst > from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't POSSIBLY hurt all that bad.. > > I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. > > > I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, > and HOLY > MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, > @!@$$!%!@*!!! > I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in > through the side door, > picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us > both on the carpet, > over, and over, and over, and over again. > > I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, > with tears in my eyes, > body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to > be found, with my > left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and > tingling in my legs. > > The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had > never heard before, > licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do > it again, do it again!" > Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" > yourself with a taser, one > note of caution: there is NO SUCH > THING as a "one-second burst", when you > zap yourself. > > You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from > your hand by a violent > thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be > considered conservative. > SON-OF-A-... that hurt!!! A minute or so later > (I can't be sure, as time was a relative > thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had > left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. > My bent reading glasses were > on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? > > My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still > twitching. > > My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my > bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. > I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm > offering a significant reward for their safe > return.
by on Mar. 4, 2007 at 12:30 AM
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Replies (1-6):
GenBabe
by New Member on Mar. 4, 2007 at 5:27 AM
that was hilarious. It is a guy thing. my husband has done the same thing. i laughed the entire time i read this story. Thanks I need that
NvMomof02
by New Member on Mar. 4, 2007 at 11:37 AM
OMG! That is too funny!
julenesmom
by Member on Mar. 6, 2007 at 1:30 AM
OMG i am still laughing my butt off! ROFL
soccermomofmany
by on Mar. 6, 2007 at 10:59 PM
I am laughing so hard I am crying. My husband is a cop and he has done this on more than one occasion. That could have been his word for word account of what has happened to him before. So funny!!!!!!
bigmomma2
by on Mar. 6, 2007 at 11:59 PM
woohoo for stun guns can we all have one?
momoverboard
by Member on Mar. 9, 2007 at 1:18 AM
that was so funny,I could picture it in my head while I was reading it,I had to hold back  my laughter to keep from waking everyone upLaughing
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