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Posted by on May. 8, 2010 at 12:02 AM
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 Hey there. My name is Victoria. I have three amazing children (10, 7, and 20 months) and have been married for 17 years. Nearly two years ago I had a traumatic experience and have since been fighting with a million internal emotions from guilt to frustration and desperation and everything in between and beyond. I have never been diagnosed with PTSD, but I was pretty desperate to figure out what the heck was wrong with me. I thought it was PPD, but even when on meds my anxiety didnt' go away. I was looking for a support group of some kind in my area when I stumbled across information about PTSD. I read the symptoms and nearly fell off my chair - almost everything on that list was something I could relate to!!! So I have never been technically diagnosed, but it sure made a lot of sense out of the nothingness I knew before.

So here I sit, wondering if anyone is around in this group. It seems there are very few "new" posts, but I sure could use someone to talk to. Maybe someone who could understand the feelings I have.

I need to know something - - I want to know when I became such a robot? When did I go from being such an emotional person to someone who holds back everything, even tears? Over the last 2 years I have perfected the art of holding back the tears and internalizing everything so I could not only function, but prove to everyone else that I was fine. Digging my own grave, so to speak. I guess if I would have just let things go, maybe I could have gotten some help, I dunno. So now, when I truly need the emotions to come forth, it is hard to draw them out. Oh I feel things - sadness, anger, etc., but my emotions have been held in check for so long, I am afraid I have forgotten how to use them. I used to cry at movies or books, at a sad story someone told, etc. But now? Nope. I shrug my shoulders and wonder why bother with useless emotions. No one cares. Even now, as my husband's grandfather is lying on his death bed - a man who has become my own surrogate grandfather - I am so very sad and I want to cry - the tears are there - and yet I feel the need to hold them back. Why??? Why can't I just let go? I am hurting and sad and want to shout at everyone, and yet I am the calm one. The one who appears always in control. The one who can handle everything. *sigh* I just don't know how I have become so internalized and drawn. At some point over the last 2 years I have just frozen everything over and a little part might thaw for a while - usually for a sad event - and then that glaze will form again. I thought I made a breakthrough last summer. I actually balled my eyes out at Michael Jackson's funeral. SeriouslY? Someone I never knew??? Yes - but mostly because of his children and thinking of them without their dad. Anyhow, I thought from there on out I would be different. But I'm not. It was just a moment. That glaze has formed over the heart again and is hiding everything underneath. How does this happen???

Hey - thanks to all who are out there. Thanks for listening to my story and hopefully understanding a little bit of where I am coming from.

by on May. 8, 2010 at 12:02 AM
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