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seeking advice on how to discipline kids 4&7.

Posted by on Mar. 17, 2009 at 2:08 PM
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    I a'm having  behavioral  issues with  my 2 dd  ages are 4&7. My 7 year old is  saying things like stupid,I hate  you, I wish you were dead, And my 4 year old is mimicking her with stupid&I hate you.I make them have time out but nothing seems to working. Any advice on how to get my hoose under a little more normal way. Because I'm starting to think that I have may be needing counselling help for this .

by on Mar. 17, 2009 at 2:08 PM
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ldmrmom
by on Mar. 17, 2009 at 3:41 PM

What have you tried to date?

Have you tried a bean jar? Fill a jar with beans (or cheerios, etc.) Set expectations - these are not phrases we use in our family. Anyone using them loses a bean/cheerio/whatever. At the end of every month whoever has the most left in their jar can cash them in for a reward. It can be for small toys, books, or privileges - an extra 30-minutes on a video game or TV, an extra hour to stay up on a Friday night, choice of dinner one night or the family weekend activity, etc.    Then refill the jars and start over for the next month.

In concert with that, offer alternatives and explations as to *WHY* these words are acceptable.  Do NOT give these words too much power though. Kids that use them in anger or hurt and they are looking for a reaction. It's a way to slap back verbally. Stay calm and address the cause first then the language used to express those feelings. If you react with strong language or consequences you're giving those words a lot of power. Sometimes simply removing the power of the language removes the desire to use them.

I've not heard those specific phrases, but close enough. One time my son told me he wished he could just live with Grandma. LOL! LIttle does he know Grandma doesn't spoil or remain as calm when they're misbehaving when she's on the job 24/7.  I digress though. I just shrugged and said "I'm sorry you feel that way. However, you live with me. You're stuck with me and no matter how you feel about that right now, I love you anyway."

Elizabeth4980
by on Apr. 1, 2009 at 1:05 AM

This is what works for my 4 and 7yo boys - i let them know what words i won't allow (stupid and hate), give them healthy alternatives ("i am very mad at you" or "i don't want to be around you right now" or "please stop that is annoying me"), we also have the rule of "no rude or disprespectful talk" which pretty much covers anything else, and then adopt a zero tolerance rule. every single time anyone talks rudely, they go in the corner.  at first my boys were constantly in the corner, but then they started to catch themselves when they started to say things.  in order to make the time outs feasible for a zero tolerance policy we don't actually do time outs, we do "breaks".  i say "oops broke a rule, take a break" and they go to the corner for 30 seconds (i have them count one -one thousand, two-one thousand, etc to thirty or for the 4yo he counts to 10 three times).  Then they can just let themselves out of the break.  It isn't supposed to be a punishment, just a moment to collect themselves and try again.  it's worked pretty well for us, much better than long time outs (the 1 minute for each year of age rule never worked for us).

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