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Marriage Humor! Enjoy!

Posted by on Mar. 9, 2008 at 5:36 PM
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One of the moms in my LDS moms group wrote this. I thought it was so cute.  Enjoy!


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I just couldn't resist.  I love to make people laugh.

Harry Potter Marriage Tips

One of the things they teach you in a marriage class is that communication is the single most important practice within a strong relationship. When the communication breaks down, so does the marriage. I take this counsel very seriously, which is why I read Harry Potter. This brilliant book by J.K. Rowling not only shows you how to turn your five yelling children temporarily into rabbits so that you can discuss important issues with your husband at family dinner (plus they eat their vegetables), but certain characters in the book, such as the divination teacher, teach classes on important communication skills such as clairvoyance and mind-reading. These skills are vital in my marriage because my husband and I haven’t been able to finish a sentence in thirteen years.

Me: “Honey, did you hear about the…hey, son, don’t try to stuff your mashed potatoes in your sister’s shoe. You still have to eat them.”

Husband: “Did I hear about wha……”

Daughter: “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy…”

Husband: “What?”

Daughter: “Nothing. I just liked saying your name.”

Like I said, communication is the key to strong family relationships. This is why when you have children you must learn to read minds or foretell the future so you can avoid disasters such as this:

Me: “Bacon! Last night I said pick up some bacon at the store on your way home!”

My husband (shrugging): “All I heard was pick up the b….before the baby fell into the soup, so naturally I assumed you meant that big screen TV we had been talking about.”

As you can see from the above, almost true example, good communication is vital in a marriage. However, communication with your children is doubly important. Otherwise you could end up in a situation such as this.

Me (taking my oldest son by the collar): “When I said, ‘Tape your little brother on the swings at the park,’ I meant video tape, not duct tape!”

So, in order to save marriages and strengthen families everywhere, I have compiled a list of ten principles of divination that can help to improve communication within families and increase effectiveness in any household.

  • Palmistry- Having your children show you their palms is extremely handy, when trying to uncover the truth after they refuse to communicate what happened to your secret stash of Easter candy.

 

  • Focus your inner eye- The Divination professor says you must never cloud your inner eye. If you can find one, it would surely be useful in discovering the hidden ketchup stain that your son spread all over the underside of your best silk shirt. (Unfortunately, the only way to get rid of the stain is through the complicated process of disapparating your shirt to a specialized dry cleaner most inconveniently located in Tibet.)

 

  • Wear huge, thick glasses and blink at people through them- This is useful if you want to frighten your children’s neighborhood friends away from your prize strawberry patch. (It’s called “wordless communication”).

 

  • Sense an aura- But don’t try too hard, or you might sense that your teenager and her best friends just took their shoes off and stuck their smelly feet all over your brand new couch.

 

  • Decorate yourself with lots of jewelry and big bangles- This is extremely important in order for you to foster communication within your family. Don’t ask me why…it just is.

 

  • Speak in a dreamy, misty voice- This will be especially easy after the baby has kept you up all night. It is useful in avoiding conversations with your child’s teacher about your son’s behavior in school.

 

  • Sense clairvoyant vibrations- Especially when your husband takes out the sledge hammer and decides to remodel the bathroom for the third time in two years.

 

  • See past the mundane- The hardest of all divination skills. Though difficult to master, this is one of your best tools. Some people, like me, are simply born with it. That is why the unidentified sticky stuff on the bottom shelf in my refrigerator has not bothered me in two weeks. It also helps with anger management too. Just see past that prominent place in the carpet where your son spilled a whole bottle of bleach last year.

 

  • Predict someone’s doom- I use this technique daily, in order to make myself feel better after I have put my kids back to bed for the eighteenth time.

 

  • See symbols in tea leaves (herbal tea of course)- If you had noticed that “X” symbol in your peppermint tea, perhaps you could have predicted that your son was going to get his tongue stuck to the swing set during recess the other day, and you could have kept him home.

The techniques in the above list will definitely help you, and mothers everywhere, to at least think that you are improving your marriage and family through mind-reading and clairvoyant techniques. And who knows? Perhaps your increased “aura” will allow your husband to sense that you want a cruise to the Bahamas for your birthday present next year. Now that would really improve your marriage!

Kersten: Mother Humor blog: www.kersten4.blogspot.com
Mother Support Center: http://motherhood.kerstencampbell.com
by on Mar. 9, 2008 at 5:36 PM
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cycle_girlie
by on Mar. 10, 2008 at 12:46 PM
Loved it!!!

"That's all I have to say about that"
~ Forrest Gump ~

 

Cycle Girlie

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