I lost my Daddy on Sept 1, 2005. I was a total Daddy's girl. My father was sick from brain cancer my entire life. He was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer when he was 18 (1973). He was given six months to live, but outlived it. He fathered two girls with his first wife, married my mother and had my brother and I. My parents divorced when I was young (first grade). We still got to see him a lot. He was my entire world. I can't describe the way it felt to watch him slip away. In May 2005, we had to put our father into a nursing home at the age of 51. They had found a very aggressive tumor that was growing fast. He was younger than some of the care givers. He was the youngest this nursing home had ever seen. In August 2005, we were informed from his hospice nurse that he was going fast. We were all there that day. She told us that sometimes family needed to let their loved one know it was okay to go. We each spent about 15 mins or so with him telling him that we loved him and it was okay to let go. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do....to tell my daddy that he could die...He looked up at me and said "It will be okay Baby, I love you." That is the only thing he said that day.
Two weeks later I got the phone call from my brother that I was dreading....I couldn't even speak....When he called I just cried. My brother said I needed to come as fast as I could. I live in another state. I called my hubby at work and called my mom. Both came to my house. My hubby drove me there and went back home. He couldn't stay and I didn't blame him. My father was moved to the hospice hospital that evening. My sisters and I stayed with him and my brother went home. He had to work the next day. We stayed til about 2 in the morning. His vitals hadn't changed and he seemed stable, so we decided to go down the road to my sister's house and try to get some sleep. We got to my sisters house and five mins later they called us and informed us that he was gone.
Even in his last moments on Earth he was trying to protect us. We went back over to the hospice hospital and I said I didn't want to go in and see him, but I couldn't stop myself from going in there. He looked so peaceful for the first time in my life. At that moment I thought, "how could I go on?" The pain was so much that I didn't know how I could go on....how could I breath again...who was I without him... At the same time that I was devastated I was relieved he wouldn't suffer anymore. It has been 3 years and each day it gets a little easier. October is a rough month for me because my birthday and my dad's birthday were are in that month. We used to always spend them together. I look at my son and just want to cry because he will never know his Grandpa. Now I am pregnant with my second and although I am happy, it also makes me sad to know they will never meet their Grandpa.