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A feeling of being broken . . .PIOG

Posted by on Aug. 31, 2010 at 11:14 AM
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 I'll try to keep this as summarized as possible. 

Last year in May 2009, I suffered from a severe blood clot (pulmonary embolism) in my left lung and stroke due to the birth control (Yaz) I was on.  My treatment at that time was to be on Heparin (a blood thinner that drips through an IV, constantly.) I was in the the hospital for 14 days until they could *finally* get my blood to the correct consistency where they felt I was safe and the doctors put me on a high dosage  of Coumadin (a blood thinner in pill form) for the next 10 months, and spent 6 months in rehab to regain strength and muscle control back on the left side of my body since the stroke pretty much ripped that right away from me.  I also had many issues afterwards with speaking . . . it always sounded slurred and I often became confused with what I was trying to say, like if I wanted to say to "OK, I'm leaving for work now" it would come out " Leaving I'm now work, OK?"  --- Last year was a pretty frustrating time for me. 

Fast forward to June 2010.  I'm recovered almost back 100% . . . YAY FOR ME!!!! I still get a little confused when trying to speak quickly, that's about it.  My husband and I find out we are expecting!!! YAY Hooray, right?  I don't know.  I haven't found it in my heart to be that excited about it.  My husband is ecstatic and very stoked we are having another, we both love babies and children and want to have as many as possible . . . but I just cry and cry and cry when I think about being pregnant this time around.  I can't find it in my heart to be happy, I hope that doesn't make me sound selfish.

My last 2 births were all natural, in birthing centers, with absolutely no complications.  When it comes to my own pregnancies, I have always been very firm about not a lot of medical intervention and going as naturally as possible.  It's NOT going to happen this time.  I've come to terms with all that.  What I can't come to terms with, is how I feel like all the doctors are treating me as if I am broken. I've never experienced the care of an OBGYN, just a midwife . . . now that I have such a colorful health history now, my midwives won't see me.  I can only be seen by an OBGYN.  On top of that, I need to see a high risk specialist every 2 weeks, a cardiologist (I've been having elevated heart beats and heart palpitations), a neurologist, and now they are suggesting I see a counselor because I now have a very high anxiety with all this going on.  I've also been placed back on blood thinners, a fairly high dosage of Lovenox, which needs to be injected 2X's daily straight into my belly.  It burns, leaves horrible black marks and is straight up painful.  And I have to get blood work once a week to make sure all that is going OK, and also they just scheduled me for an echo-cardiogram to see what's happening with my heart and will most likely put me on medication to help regulate my heartbeat.  I'm not big on being medicated, but I've realized it's not just for my health, it's for the baby's health also.

I mean, things could DEF be a lot worse.  I am thankful that I am still able to get pregnant, I am thankful I have made it back to almost a 100% recovery.... I am just down in the dumps, I am 25 yrs old and I just wish it could be a "normal" pregnancy without all these complications.  I've been very upset, depressed and stressed over the whole thing.  I go see my OBGYN tonight to speak about anxiety medication options.... I really don't want to go on them.  I was on them after all these health problems originally arose and I was a TOTAL zombie.  I don't want to be like that again.  I just feel like I am stuck on this wheel on medicine, Dr's, tests, specialists, referrals, waiting rooms, co-pays, making appts, swallowing pills, injecting myself, repeating my health history over n over n over - then hit "repeat" and it starts all over again. I'm frustrated and my poor husband doesn't know how to help me feel better at this point. 

I've been doing my best to keep myself occupied and my mind off of things - I've taken up Yoga in hopes that will calm my nerves a little bit, I have started strumming my guitar and singing again, I've started back up on Cafemom (woohoooo!!) and I've started painting again.... but I just need some help or advice on what I can do to keep this all as natural as possible.  I have still informed my OBGYN I still have every intention of birthing naturally and on my own terms, he is okay with that but insists I have an IV and wants me to consider induction to avoid excessive bleeding.  Scheduling the labor and delivery would allow for me to have enough time to stop my blood thinners for a few days before hand - which ok, I see his point, but what if I go into labor before our scheduled day, when I am still on the thinners? I am still standing firm on not being induced.

Anyway, I just wanted to vent and maybe find someone who can at least relate to my story.

by on Aug. 31, 2010 at 11:14 AM
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peanut06
by on Aug. 31, 2010 at 7:05 PM

First, take a deep breath.  Think of the serenity prayer--accept the things you cannot change and handle the things you can still control.  A pregnancy is meant to be enjoyed, even if you have high-risk markers.  Try to find an OB like mine, who handles high-riskers alongside "normal" pregnancies, doesn't make you feel different, and has a midwife in her small group.  I have blood clots during pregnancy and had to do the lovenox shots with third pregnancy (and twice daily heparin shots with my second pregnancy), on top of frequent ultrasounds because of prior loss and intrauterine growth restriction.  And, with my third pregnancy, I had preterm labor and had been diagnosed with a tachycardia condition (heart races for no apparent reason), so they were watching me about that, too.  BUT, even in a hospital setting with an OB, you can have a drug-free (even no pitocin) birth and most, if not all, of your preferences can be accomodated.

Ask your midwives for recommendations of natural-friendly OBs. Then, be honest with the OB about your natural birth wishes.  It's ok to interview several OBs (after all, they will be working for you).  Write out your concerns (and hubby's) and also note any answers to compare different docs.

If you want to talk more, feel free to PM me.

Clara in KY

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Happy momma to one dear son and two wonderful daughters, an angel and a miracle toddler.

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