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Birthing with a midwife, hubby is totally unsupportive =(

Posted by on Oct. 22, 2010 at 4:54 PM
  • 6 Replies

Backstory- I was induced with Lydia, had an epidural, her heart rate dropped along with my blood pressure...things got scary. I DO NOT want another experience like that, and those complications can be directly linked to the pitocin and epidural.

I've chosen to use a midwife practice, and to appease my husband, found a wonderful group who work under Midwest Womens Healthcare on the campus of a hospital. This, unfortunately, is not enough for my husband, and he says I'm being hormonal and irrational.

I made this decision after my last OB appointment (that consisted of little more than "How are your feeling? You need to get a flu shot."). They then proceeded to schedule my next 7 appointments in the span of about 3 minutes, telling me I had to take what they had available, that Dr. Woolen was "very busy". That was it, I knew this practice was absolutely not for me.

He agreed to watch "The Business of Being Born" with me last night, and compared it to a typical Michael Moore film, stating that it was totally one sided.

I dont know how else to get through to him, or if I should even try to. He's a great dad to our daughter and has been very involved with this pregnancy, but I feel like my opinion of my care provider should definitely carry more weight than his.

He wants me to talk to his Aunt, the head nurse of L&D at a hospital about 15 minutes from us, but I know that her opinion isn't going to change my mind about using a midwife, and having a no intervention birth.

I know how I am when I'm in pain, and if I'm in a hospital and have nurses and OB's breathing down my neck, I'll cave to things I know I dont need.

I can't imagine a compromise better than a midwife who works on the campus of a hospital. It's like my husband absolutely refuses to accept that these people are trained to do what they do.

Any advice?

by on Oct. 22, 2010 at 4:54 PM
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by on Oct. 22, 2010 at 6:26 PM

Make the appointment with the midwives and bring your Husband along.

This is YOUR body and YOUR Pregnancy. Is he the one growing a baby?

by on Oct. 22, 2010 at 6:41 PM

him experiencing an appointment is probably one of the best things 

by on Oct. 23, 2010 at 12:16 PM

its ur body do wat is best for u and the baby. he can just get over himself! he is not having the baby! sounds like he isnt very open minded but u could try taking him to talk with the midwife! good luck!

by on Oct. 23, 2010 at 12:42 PM

him what you are going to do.

Request he make a list of his concerns/questions.  
And refer to that movie, too.    What he is skeptical about.   
Then have him prove that stuff was false.    Or that his perspective is a safer route.

Have him interview midwives WITH you and become better informed or he has NO SAY in your decision.

How can we vote for candidates we know nothing about??
Or buy a car without seeing which is safer-better, etc??

Perhaps his ignorance is bliss, but it doesn't have to affect your safety & happy experience--   or the baby's.

:- /

If you don't know your options, you don't have any.           ~Korte & Scaer

Mothers need to know that their care and their choices won't be compromised by birth politics.                                                                                            ~Jennifer Rosenberg

see birth as a miracle and only mess with it if there's a problem;
doctors see birth as a problem and if they don't mess with it, it's a
~Barbara Harper

by on Oct. 23, 2010 at 5:08 PM

So many women feel such pressure from humans who will never, ever, push out a baby, about how they push out babies (and very often, due to obstetric crapola, WHETHER they push out babies!)

And I am afraid my answer sounds very insensitive, and maybe it's because I have a DH who would never dream of telling me how and whether to use my vagina, but here it is, unvarnished:

When he's the one pushing out the baby, he can have his own opinion of how HE goes about it. Until then, it is not his choice. I know all the PC stuff about it's his baby too.

But we are not fungi. We do not bud. We are also not seahorses.

And he has absolutely no control over you in this matter unless he is prepared to threaten you with an ultimatum like divorce, to force your hand. And if a man is prepared to do that, you are better off throwing that one back anyway.

My DH is terrified of birth,,, or was, leading up to and culminating in my CNM-led needless 38 week induction and predictable cesarean with our first. What happened to me then scared him witless. And then my decision to HBAC the next baby also scared him witless, but he never tried to force my hand. And if he had, much as I love him, the buck would stop there, because I could not live with a man who would put me in that position, of going against myself on something so important, to satisfy him. And he loves and respects me enough never to ask such a thing of me. Nor would I ask it of him, if he had a decision to make about his prostate for example, or getting or not getting a vasectomy, and our opinions differed.

Men feel powerless about childbirth, primarily because... they are. And many will overcome that dreaded feeling of powerlessness even at the cost of their wives' wellbeing, (not on purpose of course) by doing everything they can to manipulate the wife into capitulating to their  viewpoint, despite the fact that in any other aspect of life, that would be completely ridiculous. You wouldn't let the garbage man make decisions about your dental care, and you wouldn't let someone who had only read about it in books, pack your parachute for a jump from a plane. So why do men think it's their place to try to make women's most basic and uniquely womanly, decision? Being your husband, your father, or your brother, makes no difference. Heck, you wouldn't probably let another woman who had had 6 kids herself, make all your decisions for you on birth, though you might consult her. But it would still be your decision.

It's tangled, all that fear versus control, then with marital loyalty and "whose baby is it, anyway?" thrown in. And your DH is of course influenced heavily by his L&D nurse aunt. That's almost as bad as having an OB for your DH. But "my body, my baby, my birth" gives you 3 of 3, over his "my baby" being 1 of 3, in terms of claim to this decision. No contest.

If you did walk into a bad birth to please someone else, could you live with it? Could you ever forgive yourself or him? If not, you already have nothing to lose by doing what feels right to you in the first place.

Would he still be willing to try to force your hand if he knew that the cost of winning the battle, would be losing the war, because you may not ever be able to forgive him even if you did go along with him this time?

Most men have no concept, not even an analogy, for how deeply the experience of childbirth affects their wives, and tend to unknowingly add insult to injury by encouraging their "hysterical" and "overemotional" wives to just get over it, suppress the feelings, pretend birth doesn't matter that much, and bury it to make everyone else happy. But no one ends up happy that way, and sooner or later, the marriage that the woman tried to save by capitulating to her husband's demands, unravels under the burden of that divide.

Having him ticked off at you now is far better than hating his guts 10 years from now, as fallout.

Best wishes to you in at a critical crossroads.

If you want more support and possibly ideas, is not just for women who have had cesareans and wish to avoid repeat ones in the future, it's also for women seeking support in their quest for support in natural, healthy, happy childbirth, period.

A lot of women show up there with a huge burden of anger and guilt, and even marital difficulties, when acquiescing to their DH's or someone else's demands resulted in unneccessary surgeries. It's nice when that can be avoided.

by on Oct. 23, 2010 at 11:55 PM

Thanks for all the feedback. We talked and he agreed to meet the midwives with me on Monday, but I told him shortly after I posted this, that my decision was made and he could either support me, or not say another word about it until after the baby is born.

I know he's going to feel better about everything after he meets with them, and sees that they are not only professionals at what they do, but much more hands on and caring than my current ice block of an OB.

I'll update on how everything goes Monday evening.

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