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looking for positive advice

Posted by on May. 5, 2011 at 9:55 AM
  • 12 Replies

I was all exited for my midwife appointment yesterday and then about an hour before I got a call from my sister.  She had a very unpleasant birth experience 2 years ago that resulted in a C-section and now if I sound the slightest bit exited about my upcoming event she just can’t seem to stop herself from being negative.  When I first told her we were planning a hotel birth her comment was “what about all the screaming?” She also does not really understand what a MW is and she can’t seem to understand that hypno-birthing is a childbirth preparation technique.


She still continues to make skeptical comments which I usually just blow off but yesterday was by far the worst.  When I told her how exited we were about our 2 day getaway plan (the hotel birth) and that I had a MW appointment coming up she said – "Oh do you mean your hypnotist?  You know maybe a midwife could have helped me avoid going to the hospital too early but I am really lucky because if I were one of those women years ago I probably would have died". 

Honestly I don’t even think she considered what she was saying to me and how it might make me feel - I am due in 3 weeks.


It put me in such a bad funk and I am just now starting to be able to shake it off.  I need a good plan to deal with her negativity without starting a fight or worrying about changing her mind.  I just need a way I can make sure I don’t let it get to me or that I can somehow let her know nicely that I don’t need to hear stuff like that.

by on May. 5, 2011 at 9:55 AM
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by on May. 5, 2011 at 10:25 AM

Hypnobirthing is awesome and you WILL rock this birth!

On to sister.  Can she prove that whatever warranted her c-section wasn't caused by birthing IN the hospital??  Politely (or not...) tell her she cannot speak of her birth trauma to you anymore, just like you said at the bottom of your post "I don’t need to hear stuff like that."  Tell her you're sorry her birth didn't go smoothly and you know the details so there's no need in her re-telling it unless she's intentionally trying to change your mind about your upcoming birth (speaking evil into existence as one of my church friends calls it).  Sometimes we have to be a little harsh with people for them to see they are rubbing us the wrong way.

Good luck and can't wait to read your awesome birth story in a few weeks!!

            Learn your options in the Natural Birth group!

by on May. 5, 2011 at 10:32 AM

You're right-you don't need that negativity.  Actually, it sounds like she is mocking you too, and I wouldn't put up with that.  Avoiding her might be a good plan.  I would come right out and say it: "I don't need to hear stuff like that."  You might not be able to deal with her without starting a fight.  It seems like she is hellbent on making this difficult for you because she can't get over what happened to her.  Don't let her ruin this experience for you.

by on May. 5, 2011 at 12:16 PM
She IS mocking you. Probably because she's jealous that she didn't have a birth like the one you are planning. I really think it would be a good idea to just avoid her until after the baby is born. Stress like that can really negatively affect your labor and birth.

Maybe AFTER your baby is born the two of you can sit down and talk about how she really feels about the whole situation, her birth and yours. Sounds like some therapy wouldn't hurt, either.

I know it's hard for her. I had 3 births that, let's just say didn't go as planned, but I would never imagine treating someone the way she is treating you!

Good luck to you and I can't wait to hear about your amazing hotel birth with your hypnobabies skills :)
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by on May. 5, 2011 at 12:23 PM

I agree that she sounds bitter and wants to bring you to Her Level.
You don't need to go there.
She needs to feel like birth is a medical event, am emergency waiting to happen.
While that is not truth, it's Her deal.  
She doesn't need to spoil yours~  stay away, don't talk to her.
IF you must then preface the conversation with:  "IF we are going to talk about my birth plans then it will be positive, informed, and educated.   If this is too much to ask we will not speak of it.    Or speak at all."       Nip it in the bud!!

by on May. 5, 2011 at 1:24 PM

Thanks ladies - great advice and support.  Also just in case I painted too negative a picture of my sister I should say I think she is just not over her experience yet - at first she felt very guilty and now I think she has convinced herself that it was unavoidable.  Hopefully she can keep working through it and get to a better place.  As for me - I totally will rock this birth and post my story and I can't wait to read all of your stories too :)

by on May. 5, 2011 at 6:41 PM

Keep your head up. I am dealing with similar family negativity, and I simply do not allow the conversation to get nasty. I say "This is my and my husbands choice, we are informed and confidant and expect your support."

On a personal note, I know that with my Vbac success, I will also lead by example for her next pregnancy.... I even asked her (my sister) "If I could have a beautiful birth my way, would you be interested in learning more for your next pregnancy?" She is not the "best" with being supportive, but she is curious. That is encouraging to me.

I wish you luck. I can hear in your writing you love her dearly. She is traumatized from her experience and with your success maybe she will find the courage to rewrite her next birth to be as beautiful and positive as yours will be.

by on May. 6, 2011 at 2:21 AM

Do you think she would be open to meeting your midwife and attending one of your prenatal appointments?


by on May. 6, 2011 at 8:19 PM

 be blunt with her and tell her that what she is saying is hurting you. maybe she still has unresolved hurt feelings from her own birth experience and shes taking it out on you. and anyways you know we're here if you need us :) congrats & good luck.

by on May. 6, 2011 at 8:24 PM

Hugs... are you doing Hypnobabies or another form? I ask because I did Hypnobabies and there's a script for calming/shielding you from negativity. I used it a lot lol...

by on May. 6, 2011 at 10:59 PM

Totally hear you and agree.

The easiest way, I've found, is to simply say something like this: "You know, I really appreciate your concern and your willingness to offer advice, but I trying to stay as positive and confident as I can going in to the birth of my child, so I am limiting my birth story/advice intake to only positive and uplifiting stories -- I'm sure you can understand!....

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