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How a woman gives birth should be her choice, right?

Posted by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 9:09 AM
  • 23 Replies

Well then how come I get no say!  I have told my husband since before we got pregnant that I wanted to have a home birth when it was time for this baby to be born. I got pregnant, we immediatly found a home birth midwife, I was thrilled that my husband was going along with this. Then he changed his mind and told me he didnt want to pay for the midwife that it would put to much of a strain on us finacially. I was so upset, I never ask for anything for myself and am constantly giving myself to him and our children and this one time I ask for something that means so much to me and he takes it away... after already telling me I could have it. I started seeing a Dr and planned on a hospital birth but I just couldnt picture it. I imagined it being stressful and no one listening to me. I just cant imagine having the happy, relaxing, natural birth I want in the hospital. I started looking into UC. I approached my husband with the idea and I was told to forget about it that that would never happen. He got upset at me, telling me I shouldnt have gotten pregnant when money ws so tight (bc I did this by myself!) and he kept yelling and calling the baby "my" baby... not "our" baby. I just dropped it. How can I get the birth I want and not upset my husband? I see no compromise possible... its either his way or fight up until the baby is actually born (in June). Thanks for letting me vent ladies. :/

by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 9:09 AM
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Replies (1-10):
JadedFaerie
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 9:36 AM

 I wanted a home birth but we couldn't afford it. Ended up having her in the hospital and they accomodated to me very well. Never did anything I didn't want and never pressured me into anything.:)

jellyphish
by Platinum Member on Jan. 15, 2012 at 10:02 AM
1 mom liked this
Oh man, I'd get super pissed!! "if it's MY fault and MY baby then I guess it's MY birth and MY decisions!! Screw you!"

Good luck.

If you are looking for a compromise, have you looked for any birth centers or cnm practices? I can't afford a hb me either (heart break) but I found an incredible cnm practice. (But this is also a decision I was able to help make!)
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MommysDoula
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 1:35 PM
1 mom liked this

I definitely think it should be your choice besides its your body that is gonna be pushing the baby out, but as we know, in marriages and relationships we have to compromise from BOTH sides of the table. So I agree, you should look into the birth center experience or maybe HE should research hospitals that have a midwife on staff. But most definitely, you shouldnt settle for what he wants in this matter, because you will be doing it forever. At this point it's all about education. Folks are always quick to down something they dont understand. Best wishes and congratulations on the baby : )  

lundaylove
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 2:25 PM
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When getting josh on board i was prepared for the fight. When he refused to talk to me about it, i emailed him or i texted him. I wouldnt let him ignore me. Finally when i got him to talk- like an adult- i sat him down and told him to do 1 simple thing. Write out his reasons as to why he didnt want to do it. Whether it was money, fear, or whatever, he had to write it out. Then once he did we went over it and i explained it all, showed him it was safe, that it wasnt costly, it was fine. I wasnt going to let anything stop me. Maybe we can get Josh to talk to him, make him realize its not that crazy of a thing to do, or that the midwife doesnt cost a whole lot in the scheme of things. I mean you have tax money coming in soon and there are payment plans and the midwife can work with you. 

And if that still doesnt work you could always be mean and say you support his hobbies with his car and now motorcycle but he cant support your choice to birth...see if that pressures him any........

But no matter what i will help you make the best of your birth regardless of where it is. If needed tell him to stay home and you can UC at my house =P

Marsena
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 2:40 PM
I planned a homebirth, knowing dh didn't agree, but he also wasn't vocally protesting. At 36 weeks, he said he "wants nothing to do with a homebirth and if the kid dies he's going to sue everybody involved" .... I was so mad at first, and said my body, I've researched for 2 years, he has never had much involvement anyway (he'd be perfectly happy in the past when men weren't allowed near birth!).
But 3 days later I had peace about deciding that his concerns had a right to be addressed also. So I told my friend I needed her doula services, and I had a great birth in a hospital! It was all I hoped it would be, short of the fact that I had wanted our 9 year old to be at the birth. I still hope that someday we'll have another baby and a homebirth at that time. I know in my heart that our relationship would've been stressed and possibly deeply damaged had I argued. I wasn't going to birth in a hospital without a doula though. I didn't even ask him about that. That was not comprimiseable!
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drealu
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 3:19 PM
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I believe that its both the parents decision. I may go against the grain here, but you are a partnership and work best when on the same page.

Is there an alternative option? Like a midwife in a birthing center?

lundaylove
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 6:16 PM

im not OP but we're in the same town. there are no birthing centers here. its either military hospital or civilian hospital and while there are midwives there its not the same. and there is only 1 legal midwife in our area as well. makes things tough.

Quoting drealu:

I believe that its both the parents decision. I may go against the grain here, but you are a partnership and work best when on the same page.

Is there an alternative option? Like a midwife in a birthing center?


kaffedrikke
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 6:22 PM
I would repeat verbatim in a sweet calm voice all the nasty crap he said to you. Then like another poster said therefore my decision on how I the woman who is carrying my not your baby for nine months will give birth. Is that clear to you dear husband? Now if he can be nice I would ask what his objections really are? Tell him youre willing to listen as long as hes polite and apologozes for his henious outburst.
hellokittyy
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 6:32 PM

if its a money issue ask the midwife if she takes payment plans

BekaBug
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 8:20 PM

first i want to say hugs! i believe in compromise when it comes to marriage but i stand firm in my decision on where and how i want to birth. in your avatar is that you and your dh? im due in July with my third child. dh is military. TriCare will cover a midwife birth in Europe (were in Germany, i had ds here and LOVED it) but since we PCS in Aug i have to leave in March. i wanted a home birth but my mom is against them and i'll be living with her so i found a birthing center near their home that gives a discount (50%) to TriCare patients. they also have a billing plan so you pay each month and its not some huge lump sum. if you need any outside test or u/s done the midwives work with you to find a place TriCare will cover so its no expense to you. if you do end up having you lo in a hospital maybe think about getting a Doula. i didnt have one with my dd and i wish i would have. i gave birth in a military hospital and i felt like i was pushed around and rushed. even though they tried to make it pleasant. if that makes sense. ive heard that hospital births with a Doula go much more smoothly. i would also take pp's advice and calmly repeat everything your dh said to you back to him. maybe if he hears it from you he'll realize how ridiculous he sounded.


i'm a book reading, thrill seeking, always traveling, can't sit still, stuck in my ways,  pierced and tattooed, co- sleeping,  anti-vaccinating, extended breast feeding, cloth diapering, home schooling, army wife., and mommy to an all natural little girl. and an intact little boy. who's madly in love with my husband and absolutely loves being a stay at home mommy and army wife kind of woman.

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