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Natural Birth & Parenting Natural Birth & Parenting

 Snce I was pregnant with our dd, I have known that there is one more child that belongs to our family. I had an experience when I was out for a walk, that they were running up behind me shouting "Wait! Wait! I wanna come too!" I literally had to look behind me, thinking I had actually forgotten someone.  I told this to my dh and he just kinda shrugged and said "Well I think two is enough and that we're done."

He is an only child and everyone in his family had no more than two.  I come from a small two kid family myself,  but I have aunts and uncles that have 5 or more.  My grandparents had 7, my dad being the eldest.  My mil thinks that we should be done too. My parents just say that they always wanted to have three, but my mom had to pack us up to move tran-continentally TWICE, once while being preg with my brother. She didn't want to do that preg again and then it just never happened.

So, who gets the final say in this situation? Is it one where only one party is going to be happy and there is going to be a rift?

by on Apr. 12, 2012 at 7:12 PM
Replies (21-30):
Sarah725
by Group Mod - Sarah on Apr. 13, 2012 at 8:05 AM

 It has to be a mutual decision.  I wanted 4 and DH wanted 2 so we together chose 3.

melindabelcher
by mel on Apr. 13, 2012 at 8:28 AM
Sit down together specifically to discuss potential future child/children. ( givehim a heads up so he can prepare men dont think as fast as us) both of you need to be honest and open. Honest about your desires, fears, and feelings. While being open to each others opinion. I would never want to have a child that wasn't mutually desired.
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tansyflower
by on Apr. 13, 2012 at 10:00 AM
1 mom liked this

hmmmm my husband started out wanting ONLY one.  then we found out my midwife was retiring soon and i sat him down and told him very simply "we have a choice to make.  you are already 41, ginny is retiring and if we are going to have another child i want them to be close in age.  what do you think?"  i pretty much just stated the facts of our situation and felt out how he was feeling.  then he asked me "if we had the chance would you want another baby?  are you happy with just one?  how do you feel?"  and we both sat there for a few minutes.  i told him "i am happy with just one but i wont lie, i do have concerns.  you are much older than me and i will probably be alone for many years at some point and would like more family around me.  also it would be nice to not have to put all the burden of helping take care of you (and myself) on only one child once we get old.  think about your parents and how much harder it would be having to make all the decisions for them if your sister wasnt around.  i love all my sister's and cant imagine my life without them and in some ways i feel like forcing him to be a single child would make him miss out on a really wonderful relationship." 

so he thought about it for a few days.  then we brought up the subject again and he told me if i really felt like it was the best option we could have one more....but just one.  because of his age he didnt want to be 50 years old and having babies so if we were going to do it we better do it now.  by the next cycle we were pregnant!  i also respected his wishes though and he is scheduled for a vasectomy in a few weeks.  he only wanted and agreed to two children and even if i wanted more (which i dont, pregnancy is rough on me) i dont feel its right to continue to push him.  his feelings are just as valid as mine!!!

maggiandmike
by Member on Apr. 13, 2012 at 10:11 AM
My husband and I agreed to four way back in high school, even before we talked about marriage. His mother doesn't like it, but they're not her kids. My mama had six herself, so she's fine with as many blessings come, we could have 10 and she'd be fine with it. Now, I'm on our last pregnancy, and this will be our last bio child. If we have more, it will be through adoption. Hubby will be getting the v after the baby is here.

All this to say, you have to agree with hubby. Talk to him.
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FebPenguins
by on Apr. 13, 2012 at 10:25 AM


Quoting PEEK05:

To be honest, your husband gets the final say.

He can always change his mind in the future but you can't un-do or change your mind after bringing another baby into this world. It would be unfair to him to add on another child that he doesn't want.

I have to agree with this.


FrumpyMama
by Silver Member on Apr. 13, 2012 at 12:19 PM

  We have talked about it, the trouble is as far as he is concerned (right now) it's a done deal. He said he would be more inclined to try for another if we didn't have one of each.  Yes he is the main income in the house, but I'm also working a few days a week to help out, and I am the one who is home all day with the kids. I have good days and bad days.  He says it's already crazy with 2.  I have friends who have three, one of which they have talked about it and said 5 is the finish line.  He's afraid that we can't give quality time to each child or spread the love evenly.  That's never been a concern with me. He also says that "Two is just what we have in my family." His uncle has two, his aunt has two, his other uncle had one, he was an only.  But, it's so hard, because this is OUR family. Not his moms or his dads.

What I find interesting about this whole thing, is that if I was having thinking about an abortion. I could rant and rave and pull the whole "My body, my Choice" argument and get my way.  Yet, when it comes to having another kid, the same argument doesn't apply. Yet I am still the one carrying the baby and breastfeeding it, etc.  It's so strange how the same thing can be a martriarical and patriarical.  I respect him, don't get me wrong, but I feel like he doesn't think I am in ernest when I say there is another one. I feel like he thinks I'm joking.  He even jested that it's "Just because I like babies."  ::sigh::  I'm not going to harp on it, but I do wish he would just really think about it and hear me out moreso. He gets so defensive and since he's a mama's boy, he pulls what his mom says. 

Quoting TrentsMom84:

Have you had an open discussion about it?  Does he have some legitimate fears about having another child?  Are there things that he is scared of that you could ease his mind on-if it's budget you could write one out for him that would work, if it's juggling 3 kids you could agree to wait until the others are older and more independent, if it's he just doesn't know how families with that many kids run you could introduce him to friends and family with 3 kids. 

I think ultimately if his concerns are valid there's not much you can do.  Maybe his fears will convince you to reconsider or maybe he just hasn't ever seriously thought about three kids and he'll realize it would work for you guys.

 

tabi_cat1023
by Group Mod - Tabitha on Apr. 13, 2012 at 12:20 PM
YYep this is what i think.

I think its wrong to bring a child into this world if hubby is not all for it.


Quoting sreichelt26:

no one needs to be a part of the decision outside of you and your dh - parents/in laws need to stay out of it.

but you and dh need to agree. find out WHY he doesn't want more, like the real heart of the matter reason. And then explain why you do want another one. Then go from there.

That's the best advice I can give - number of children was something we discussed and agreed on before we got married. It was even brought up in premarital counseling, because it obviously can cause a serious rift later on.


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kitty8199
by Bronze Member on Apr. 13, 2012 at 12:23 PM
The only people who have a say in your family, is you and DH.
The first paragraph made no sense to me. Who was running behind you and why did you leave them?
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FrumpyMama
by Silver Member on Apr. 13, 2012 at 12:30 PM

  It was the feeling that there was another child that was missing.  I can't describe it in any other way than their spirit was following me, shouting out "Wait Wait!" it was as strong a sensation as if my son had been behind me shouting.  Whoever this third child who wants to be part of our family is, they are very afraid of being forgotten. I wouldn't list myself as extremely spiritual, but that was ONE heck of a spiritual experience.

Quoting kitty8199:

The only people who have a say in your family, is you and DH.
The first paragraph made no sense to me. Who was running behind you and why did you leave them?

 

RADmomma
by on Apr. 13, 2012 at 12:34 PM

I went through this exact same thing. Except it took DH longer to come around. DD is 4.5 and we just got out bfp a little while ago.

I make DH a list of pros and cons. I just talked and talked and talked to him about.

He finally came around and now could not be happier!!

Quoting jnttd:

DH agreed to have at least two children before we got married. When DD was about a year old and I started talking about baby number two, he said he was finished and didn't think we needed any more children.

It took a lot of tears and convincing on my part, but he finally understood why I feel it's so important to have more than one child. Now I'm pregnant with our second.

I think this is a really important decision. Ask him- how will he be adversely affected by letting another child in to his life? Will it make him feel less complete? Because I don't think you'll ever feel complete without your third child. He has nothing to lose and you have everything to gain. And when he sees the child he'll realise how much he gained, too.


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