Truth be told I never really understood these "crazy" granola moms who wanted to birth at home. I really thought that birth was dangerous, and that having my children in the hospital was safest. I was even guilty at being one of those moms on cafemom that bashed other women who wanted to have natural births at home. I even went as far as to go after a woman who wanted to birth her first at a birthing center without an epidural, and was going to do extended breastfeeding, and babywearing. I feel SO guilty about it now! I think, despite the horror that was my first birth, I was still brainwashed by the medical community. I was told it HAD to be one way, and there was no other way.
My son was born just a smidge before 8 pm on February 28th, 2007. A gorgeous little man of 7 lbs 4 oz. He was so wanted and needed in my life, and I was beyond elated that he was here. But, just as quickly as he was born hospital policy took over. It was...beyond words.
My water broke at around 4:30 pm on February 27th. I was so shocked!! I hadn't had any contractions, and it was his due date. What babies actually come on their due date? I had thought I just couldn't stop peeing, but I knew...I knew it was time. I called the hospital and they said to come straight in. I ignored their request. I was hungry, and my boyfriend (now husband) was tired. So, I stayed at home and wore clean towels in my underwear to catch the fluid. My water "broke" one more time in the kitchen while I was making a sandwich.
Finally a little past midnight I noticed my contractions were about 6 minutes apart. So, I woke dh, and told him that we should go. The fog was SO bad outside, I am surprised we even made it there. At the hospital they hooked me up to monitors in the triage room, and tested me to make sure my water broke. Eventually I was put into a room, and was basically left there for 15 hours...in complete agony. They continually pushed an epidural on me, which I refused over and over again.
Finally, I was "ready to push". Though, I felt pressure, I didn't feel the need to push. I felt the need to roll over onto all fours and rock back and forth. They quickly stopped this, and made me roll over onto my back. I tried again about 2 hours later...and they stopped me again, and said the doctor doesn't deliver babies this way. I was actually embarrassed by my bodies natural instincts.
Now, this is 3 hours into pushing when the doctor came in. He eventually left and said I needed to stop being lazy and push harder. He said he would come back when I was ready to push. But I wasn't ready!! Something was wrong, and I just didn't want to. Despite the intense pressure, I didn't feel it was time. I felt I needed something. I now know what I needed was gravity.
The doctor came in an hour later, when it was found the babies head had finally descended. Then came the horror. 5 hours and 45 minutes after they forced me to start pushing he was finally out. The doctor beamed as he announced that the episiotomy had worked...and his face went white, as my baby slid out. He had botched the episiotomy, and the forcing of me to lay on my back basically caused me to "blow up". I had a tear all the way into my rectal area. It went ALL the way up and ALL the way back. He had torn me to pieces...not the baby...the doctor.
They took my son away immediately, and I didn't get to hold him. Then, after almost an hour the doctor was finally done "repairing" me. I remember someone joking about putting humpty dumpty back together again. I didn't think it was funny.
I went to ask if I could hold my son, and the nurse said no. She said his temp was still too low, and he had to be under the lights. I questioned this because I thought if I could hold him he would warm up. According to her I was wrong, and would kill my baby if I tried. Had I been able to walk or even move, I would have gone and picked him up.
So, after three hospital births I am having my homebirth. I will push how I want, I will make as much noise as I want...it will be my way. I still have so many negative feelings toward my sons birth, and a lot of it still haunts me. I hope one day my story will inspire someone to leave the hospital and go home, or to a birthing center to have their baby. It doesn't have to be like mine...birth can be empowering, and beautiful!