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Natural Birth & Parenting Natural Birth & Parenting

The Doctors Don't Like How I Put DD to Bed *Long*

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DD is 21mos. We went to a behavioural specialist for other concerns then they asked about her sleep habits. I said that I lay with her (and almost always nurse her) until she falls asleep.

She doesn't like to be alone while falling asleep. Can you blame her? She's not even 2 yet. I didn't think it was a big deal until the doctor told me that she's expected to be able to fall asleep independently. As in I tuck her in, sing her a lullaby, and leave the room and she just handles it. I know DD is behind in that area but she's slowly growing out of it.

They also made a deal out of her waking up a few times at night to nurse and not being well attached to comfort objects other than me.

That's just where we're at. I told the doctor that I wasn't interested in immediately breaking these behaviours because I feel that she will naturally progress out of them. I'm not going to push her. The doctor implied, in not so many words, that I am fostering emotional dependence. So what? She's a toddler. She isn't going to nurse to bed at 14. What is so wrong with trusting and getting comfort from your mother at this age? It's not like DD can't do ANYTHING alone. She likes to play alone, tries to dress herself, etc...

I was just disheartened when they mailed me the report that was basically an overview of the appointment. They wrote down everything I said as if I'm completely resistant to change or try to "fix" my daughter. They also included a booklet explaining sleep problems (which I'm not denying she has) and ways to "help" her, which look like sleep training to me.

I'm sorry this is so long but it hurts when people don't understand. Am I wrong here?
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by on May. 4, 2012 at 4:57 PM
Replies (61-70):
jnttd
by on May. 5, 2012 at 10:56 PM
I'm pregnant too and my supply just came back up. She's nursing a lot now since she's glad it's back.
Thanks and good luck.


Quoting littlelambe2:

Lame.

My dd is the same age as yours. She rarely falls asleep without nursing - and that's only when she's in the car. In the middle of the night, she is just starting to be okay with having me pat her back or rub her belly to help get her back to sleep. And if its been a few hours, she wants to nurse back to sleep and *gasp* I actually let her.

We have started a little night weaning because she was nursing for about 5mins to fall back asleep, not long enough for let down, and I"m pregnant again and need to sleep for more than a couple hours at a time. We're going slow, and she's doing great. I still nurse if she asks, but I try to distract her or delay as best I can without her fully waking up. Its a little rough because my supply is down so much now that she has to get up some mornings early just to eat something because the bit of milk I do have isn't enough to fill her belly.

Sorry you're going through this. I think its perfectly normal behavior for a 21 month old. (Maybe just because my 21 month old is doing it? ha ha). But she has no other issues and has never been a great sleeper. Hugs.

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jnttd
by on May. 5, 2012 at 10:58 PM
It's hard to explain it all. She has a lot of particular behaviours that we wanted to talk about but mostly how neurotic she is. She's just always so stressed.

Quoting moroccanmommy:

If you don't mind me asking why were you at the specialist? sleep or behavior and why did she feel they were connected
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jnttd
by on May. 5, 2012 at 11:03 PM
I noticed myself disagreeing with everything at first but then realised there are areas where I could use guidance. It was hard to accept.
But reading "Techniques that Work" followed by how to CIO was too much for me. The paper actually says to not hug your child when he's suppose to be sleeping but won't sleep. Don't HUG. I almost threw up.


Quoting EthansMomma2010:

hugs. Can I suggest that you let it sit awhile before totally disregarding this drs suggestions? Maybe modify them to what ur comfortable with? My son is in speech therapy ( a lil different I know) and it hurt to hear that I was doing some things wrong. You never want to admit ur parenting isn't perfect. Or at least it is for me. But when I opened up to some of the suggestions and worked to make them wat I'm comfy with, my son started to progress faster. It's tough no matter what. Hugs.
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jnttd
by on May. 5, 2012 at 11:05 PM
She does sleep with me and always has. But she has a difficult time transitioning between sleep cycles so she often cries a lot upon waking. She also has night terrors and sleep walks. /:

Quoting truealaskanmom:

If I were you I would sleep with her so she can twilight nurse and not wake that might help more 

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jnttd
by on May. 5, 2012 at 11:12 PM
Thank you for the "never allowed her to despair" part. We suspect DD is on the spectrum (and she has enough issues either way) and she gets very anxious and worked up about everything. I try to distract her from stressors or work through why those things are okay (such as spots on the floor that can't be scrubbed away). The doctor told me not to "rescue" her from that; that she needs to be stressed sometimes because those feelings are normal.
I know where they're coming from and sometimes they do need to independently deal with negative emotions, but DD is always distressed/worried/anxious. I can't just leave her constantly feeling like that. I know when I have anxiety that it is very difficult to handle on my own. How should a toddler handle anxiety independently? (Just as you said.)

Thank you.


Quoting sterling21:

I have sleep disorders that drive me and my family nuts. I can grasp what is wrong with me and quietly work through my anxieties, (which is why I am online right now). But a two year old will have no concept, she can't get up pop a sleeping or drink a glass if wine to go to sleep, she needs her mommy. The nursing she we she will eventually grow out of, but my youngest sister who is on the spectrum of autism, slept with my parents until she was seven, she had her own bed kn thier room but needed to be close to them. I think half of the reason she is doing so well socially and behavioral, is because my parents never allowed her to despair,.never compared her to other kids and had the patience of a saint. Why allow your child to feel like she is being punished for needing to be with you? If she needs to be in the same room with you until college, oh well, having a focused and confident child out weighs the inconvenience of having to co sleep for a while. Your doing the right thing, OP, remember doctor's used to use blood letting to cure fever, mercury to fight infection and cocaine as a common pain reliver, doctors can be wrong!!! ;)
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jnttd
by on May. 5, 2012 at 11:14 PM
Thank you for accepting that families can be different without one or the other being wrong. It's what mine needs right now and some people can't understand that.

Quoting JoyfulMommy1221:

Follow your instincts mama! There is no one right way to put your child to sleep. Yes, by the time my dd was 21 mos she was sleeping through the night in her own bed and we weren't laying next to her to get her to sleep BUT my dd is not your dd. Everyone develops differently. Drs don't get that. They want by the book. Some kids aren't ready to sleep on their own until they're much older.
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jconney80
by Group Mod on May. 5, 2012 at 11:56 PM
Thanks. If you can't get them to listen to you I would get in touch with the closest Autism Society branch, they have a website, and find other places close to you where she can be screened. This is what I did because the wait list for us in our city for our 9 year old is at least 7 months. We found out we can go to a Childrens hospital 3 hours away and got an appointment within 2 weeks!

Quoting jnttd:

We did ECI but since they don't diagnose we also got a referral from her pedi for their developmental specialist. Good luck.



Quoting jconney80:

Thanks! Where did you take her? It sounds like they werent helpful or doesn't see what you see? I'm leaving any extra info out that they don't need to know. My hubby and I KNOW something is wrong with him and we are using the parenting tools we have to survive. And its not what we are doing.





We just started occupational therapy today with him from Early Intervention and he has appointments coming up for developmental peds for autism screening. We also have a sleep psychologist appointment in less than 2 weeks. Hopefully they will help us.






Quoting jnttd:

Same thing here. DD has Sensory Processing Disorder and we suspect autism so that's why we took her to the specialist. Some nights I just want to take her to the ER and tell them to do SOMETHING, but I know there isn't anything they can do.



Chin up. [:








Quoting jconney80:

I'm going through the same thing so I totally understand. My son, who has sensory issues and probably is autistic, never sleeps. As in is barely sleeping at all for days. We have had to stay awake all night wearing him just so he will sleep.









We were so desperate that we took him to the ER because we were hoping they would get him in to see someone sooner. We have had basically every Dr we have seen in the past month tell us its all our fault. I can't believe it. It is horrible. I was having Drs arguing with me that its behavioral. Get real!!! It was really starting to mess with my head. I have been stretched so thin night parenting two kids that my sleep deprived brain started worrying it maybe was my fault. But I know it isn't.









Keep doing what you're doing! All we get is praise in everything else about him so we must be doing something right!! Its the right thing. Our society is so ridiculously paranoid that if you don't make them independent from birth they never will be. Its stupid.
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jconney80
by Group Mod on May. 6, 2012 at 12:05 AM
That Dr is full of it and wrong. Anyone who works with autistic/ sensory kids knows you want them to feel calm. Yes in therapy you slowly expose them to things that stress them out but you don't want them in that state all day!! What a quack!

You can do things like use a weighted blanket to help her sleep. I just made one today for my son. You can get a rash guard shirt thats too small for her to wear when she's stressed or out in public because it makes them feel calmer to have that tightness. You can have her wear a weighted backpack or vest with 10% of her body weight in it. We saw it work today when we went in public. When my son was wearing the backpack he was a little calmer but when he took it off he was very stimmy and going nuts. Its easy to find the rash guards very cheap at Once Upon A Child right now. I just got one today for $2.

I hope you can find another specialist and therapist to help you!


Quoting jnttd:

Thank you for the "never allowed her to despair" part. We suspect DD is on the spectrum (and she has enough issues either way) and she gets very anxious and worked up about everything. I try to distract her from stressors or work through why those things are okay (such as spots on the floor that can't be scrubbed away). The doctor told me not to "rescue" her from that; that she needs to be stressed sometimes because those feelings are normal.

I know where they're coming from and sometimes they do need to independently deal with negative emotions, but DD is always distressed/worried/anxious. I can't just leave her constantly feeling like that. I know when I have anxiety that it is very difficult to handle on my own. How should a toddler handle anxiety independently? (Just as you said.)



Thank you.




Quoting sterling21:

I have sleep disorders that drive me and my family nuts. I can grasp what is wrong with me and quietly work through my anxieties, (which is why I am online right now). But a two year old will have no concept, she can't get up pop a sleeping or drink a glass if wine to go to sleep, she needs her mommy. The nursing she we she will eventually grow out of, but my youngest sister who is on the spectrum of autism, slept with my parents until she was seven, she had her own bed kn thier room but needed to be close to them. I think half of the reason she is doing so well socially and behavioral, is because my parents never allowed her to despair,.never compared her to other kids and had the patience of a saint. Why allow your child to feel like she is being punished for needing to be with you? If she needs to be in the same room with you until college, oh well, having a focused and confident child out weighs the inconvenience of having to co sleep for a while. Your doing the right thing, OP, remember doctor's used to use blood letting to cure fever, mercury to fight infection and cocaine as a common pain reliver, doctors can be wrong!!! ;)
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AnotherPutra
by on May. 6, 2012 at 1:34 AM

We rely too much on what doctors and "experts" say we should and shouldn't be doing with our children, when as women, we are natural care takers for our babies and have motherly instincts. Screw what the doctors say. Trust your gut. 

TippyD
by Member on May. 6, 2012 at 11:24 AM
1 mom liked this

um yeah.. fins new drs. 

we co-slept till last month*31 months/2yrs 7months* she still wakes up at least once a night. she likes to nurse to sleep and there is NO problem with that! she is VERY independant.

seriously find a new dr:)   

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