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Natural Birth & Parenting Natural Birth & Parenting

The Doctors Don't Like How I Put DD to Bed *Long*

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DD is 21mos. We went to a behavioural specialist for other concerns then they asked about her sleep habits. I said that I lay with her (and almost always nurse her) until she falls asleep.

She doesn't like to be alone while falling asleep. Can you blame her? She's not even 2 yet. I didn't think it was a big deal until the doctor told me that she's expected to be able to fall asleep independently. As in I tuck her in, sing her a lullaby, and leave the room and she just handles it. I know DD is behind in that area but she's slowly growing out of it.

They also made a deal out of her waking up a few times at night to nurse and not being well attached to comfort objects other than me.

That's just where we're at. I told the doctor that I wasn't interested in immediately breaking these behaviours because I feel that she will naturally progress out of them. I'm not going to push her. The doctor implied, in not so many words, that I am fostering emotional dependence. So what? She's a toddler. She isn't going to nurse to bed at 14. What is so wrong with trusting and getting comfort from your mother at this age? It's not like DD can't do ANYTHING alone. She likes to play alone, tries to dress herself, etc...

I was just disheartened when they mailed me the report that was basically an overview of the appointment. They wrote down everything I said as if I'm completely resistant to change or try to "fix" my daughter. They also included a booklet explaining sleep problems (which I'm not denying she has) and ways to "help" her, which look like sleep training to me.

I'm sorry this is so long but it hurts when people don't understand. Am I wrong here?
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by on May. 4, 2012 at 4:57 PM
Replies (41-50):
sterling21
by on May. 5, 2012 at 6:18 AM
1 mom liked this
I have sleep disorders that drive me and my family nuts. I can grasp what is wrong with me and quietly work through my anxieties, (which is why I am online right now). But a two year old will have no concept, she can't get up pop a sleeping or drink a glass if wine to go to sleep, she needs her mommy. The nursing she we she will eventually grow out of, but my youngest sister who is on the spectrum of autism, slept with my parents until she was seven, she had her own bed kn thier room but needed to be close to them. I think half of the reason she is doing so well socially and behavioral, is because my parents never allowed her to despair,.never compared her to other kids and had the patience of a saint. Why allow your child to feel like she is being punished for needing to be with you? If she needs to be in the same room with you until college, oh well, having a focused and confident child out weighs the inconvenience of having to co sleep for a while. Your doing the right thing, OP, remember doctor's used to use blood letting to cure fever, mercury to fight infection and cocaine as a common pain reliver, doctors can be wrong!!! ;)
JoyfulMommy1221
by on May. 5, 2012 at 8:09 AM
Follow your instincts mama! There is no one right way to put your child to sleep. Yes, by the time my dd was 21 mos she was sleeping through the night in her own bed and we weren't laying next to her to get her to sleep BUT my dd is not your dd. Everyone develops differently. Drs don't get that. They want by the book. Some kids aren't ready to sleep on their own until they're much older.
helema24
by on May. 5, 2012 at 9:27 AM

ok get this my 2 year old still sleeps with us and he stopped nurseing at 8 months!!! our 4 year old went willingly to his bed at 2 and a half and was completely in it by 3 and he was a co sleeper too he still needs to have daddy time in daddies side of the bed bu tALWAYS goes to his bed. when he was younger i got the tsk tsk about the co sleeping. they said hed never want to sleep alone!! that shows them!! our new ped says co cleeping is a good thing if breast feeding. soon our 2 year old will go to his own bed (ill train him while daddy is in Iraq visiting family) and he will love the independence cause he already wants it in other areas. your DD is just a bit more clingy and will grow out of it just keep doing what you need to to transition her!! and my training is actually more of a "here you can have this and this in YOUR bed but not in mommies n daddies bed". it helps that its a thomas the train bed. their methods of training is leaving a screaming child in a bed alone to try and "break" the habit.....

Char07
by on May. 5, 2012 at 10:33 AM
3 moms liked this
I agree with this too, I find it ridiculous that they would push dependency on objects rather than the parents, and rather sad :(

So it is healthy and acceptable to be dependent on toys, blankets, objects, etc... but not the love and care of your mother. That sounds like it would be more likely to lead to unhealthy attachments/dependencies in the future.


Quoting jellyphish:

They want her to be attached to objects for comfort?! Wtf is that? Why would a dependency to a security blanket be healthier than a dependency to mommy? For a ONE YEAR OLD at that?!

For me, that's a red flag.



Good luck mama!
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mamelmel3
by on May. 5, 2012 at 11:40 AM
Just hang in there! I don't see any reason to change what you are doing. My 1st baby would go to sleep on his own. My 2nd would need me to lay down with him until he fell asleep and then sometimes he would wake up if I moved. If I wanted him to stay asleep, I had to stay with him. he is 3 now and independent. My 3rd is 14 months now and I nurse her to sleep and sometimes she still nurses through the night. I have no problem with it because that is what comforts her. They are only babies for a short time, so why not let them know that we are there. I do not agree that you need to wein your child until you both are ready to do so. Mothers know best, just because they are doctors doesn't make them right!
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soulofsunmama
by on May. 5, 2012 at 11:44 AM
It makes my stomach queasy....ha, I even tried a fun softie that he might like, and he does occasionally play with it. Occasionally.
How could be loving on mama be wrong!!


Quoting Char07:

I agree with this too, I find it ridiculous that they would push dependency on objects rather than the parents, and rather sad :(



So it is healthy and acceptable to be dependent on toys, blankets, objects, etc... but not the love and care of your mother. That sounds like it would be more likely to lead to unhealthy attachments/dependencies in the future.




Quoting jellyphish:

They want her to be attached to objects for comfort?! Wtf is that? Why would a dependency to a security blanket be healthier than a dependency to mommy? For a ONE YEAR OLD at that?!


For me, that's a red flag.





Good luck mama!
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jconney80
by Group Mod on May. 5, 2012 at 12:00 PM
This is so good to hear. I never hear about other parents who have kids on the spectrum and the parents AP.

My hubby and I are basically putting everything we have into helping my son be able to sleep. We are so stressed feeling like will this ever end. We know with normal needs kids you see the independence immediately or sooner but its different in this situation. It feels like is any of this even helping or hurting? LOL I know its helping but at this point we are so beyond stressed.


Quoting sterling21:

I have sleep disorders that drive me and my family nuts. I can grasp what is wrong with me and quietly work through my anxieties, (which is why I am online right now). But a two year old will have no concept, she can't get up pop a sleeping or drink a glass if wine to go to sleep, she needs her mommy. The nursing she we she will eventually grow out of, but my youngest sister who is on the spectrum of autism, slept with my parents until she was seven, she had her own bed kn thier room but needed to be close to them. I think half of the reason she is doing so well socially and behavioral, is because my parents never allowed her to despair,.never compared her to other kids and had the patience of a saint. Why allow your child to feel like she is being punished for needing to be with you? If she needs to be in the same room with you until college, oh well, having a focused and confident child out weighs the inconvenience of having to co sleep for a while. Your doing the right thing, OP, remember doctor's used to use blood letting to cure fever, mercury to fight infection and cocaine as a common pain reliver, doctors can be wrong!!! ;)
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chipper87
by on May. 5, 2012 at 12:04 PM
Im mobile so isn't clicky but:
http://www.organicbabyatlanta.com/5-baby-sleep-mistakes-you-dont-know-youre-making/
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snowangel1979
by Bronze Member on May. 5, 2012 at 12:20 PM
DS would still get up at least once a night untill he was like 3+ for a sippy cup at night. Sometimes they just need those extra calories at night.

He slept in our room untill he was over 2.
He's a very-very independent 8 year old.

She's not even 2 It's not like she's 10. I think some of these doctors just expect kids to come out independent. Put them in there own room and let them cry untill It's convenient for the parents to want to parent. (big eye roll)
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jconney80
by Group Mod on May. 5, 2012 at 1:34 PM
My son is not behind developmentally. I kind of give credit to us being so in tune with him on that part as far as his speech and language goes. We taught him sign language as a baby.

Around his 2nd birthday we started noticing some things in his behavior and mannerisms. He started toe walking so much that he had splits under his toes. He moves his hands around in a jerky manner all the time, prances around in circles, waves toys around in front of his eyes, has really no pretend play. The first thing that opened my eyes to it was going to a playdate outside of my house. I have two LOs 19 months apart and for months it was easier for me not to deal with going places alone. I never realized just how challenging my son is to take places. He will never leave anywhere really without throwing major fits and he won't listen about most things. Then it struck me he could be autistic. We could then see the physical traits.

When I say he's challenging.. we redirect in every way you can imagine, have always tried to prepare him before things happen, have a set routine so he knows what to expect... And sometimes none of that works. He just screams and screams. So its not coming from your normal American view of "bad children." LOL

Also at the same time it finally really dawned on me my oldest has Aspergers. She's been diagnosed as adhd/ OCD/ ODD but those all fall under Aspergers. We have struggled so much with her... Did not know about AP.... And we want to get our son help so his life can be better. Thats why we are seeking help now

Quoting soulofsunmama:

Yay!! Very well said:)

It's very encouraging to see so much support in this direction., instead of typical typed out "no" responses....

May I ask the mamas with "possible" autistic traits/children, what are the signs of this, or what made y'all decide to seek answers and specialists?


Quoting Char07:

Hugs, if it makes you feel any better I truly believe that high/special needs children really really NEED AP parenting and do the best when their parent is that close to them (not physically but emotionally although quite often physically as well :) I have a 3 yo who is diagnosed with autism and was a super high needs baby that turned into a super high needs toddler and so on, I really believe AP parenting has helped her in many ways.





...and the night nursing at that age is not that uncommon in typical children anyways. I know many moms that still nurse their babies that age to sleep and during the night. My 23 mo (who has none of her sisters issues whatsoever) still nurses to sleep for bedtime and naps and very occasionally in the night (I'm pregnant though so there's no milk). I also don't know of many children except those that were sleep trained that are that age and fine with being laid down and left... I'm sure there are exceptions but I don't know any. Shhhhhh my 3 and 4 to like to cuddle to sleep, oh no!!! (not to discount anyone who really has sleep issues) but to an extent so many of those things are normal.
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