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Question re: API's "Practice Positive Discipline"

Posted by on Nov. 22, 2012 at 2:16 PM
  • 17 Replies

 

I'm relatively new to the AP mindset, and I'm curious if you gals can explain any of the suggestions that I've put into red below.  I'd love to be better prepared when DS starts acting out, yet I need clarification of some of these concepts...

Thanks!

 

Tools for Positive Discipline (taken from AttachmentParenting.org)

This list is not all-inclusive, and some techniques described may not be suitable for children of a particular age or temperament.

  • Maintain a positive relationship
  • Use empathy and respect
  • Research positive discipline
  • Understand the unmet need
  • Work out a solution together
  • Be proactive
  • Understand the child's developmental abilities
  • Create a "yes" environment
  • Discipline through play
  • Change things up
  • State facts rather than making demands
  • Avoid labeling
  • Make requests in the affirmative
  • Allow natural consequences
  • Use care when offering praise
  • Use time-in rather than time-out
  • Use time-in as a parent, too
  • Talk to a child before intervening
  • Don't force apologies
  • Comfort the hurt child first
  • Offer choices
  • Be sensitive to strong emotions
  • Consider carefully before imposing the parent's will
  • Use logical consequences sparingly and with compassion
  • Use incentives creatively with older children

 

 

 

 

 

 

by on Nov. 22, 2012 at 2:16 PM
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Replies (1-10):
jellyphish
by Platinum Member on Nov. 23, 2012 at 12:02 AM
Natural and logical consequences are exactly that- Cause and effect. So when Isis won't put her shoes on when we go out, she doesn't get to walk around, I have to carry her. When she makes a mess, she cleans it up. When she colors on walls, her markers get taken away.

I think the concept of time-in is kind of to catch the behavior before it happens. So if a child starts getting upset or showing cues of a negative behavior, remove him from the situation and let him calm down. I think.

The others I'm not too sure abot either. I know there is keeping answers positive, so instead of saying "no," say "maybe later," or something of the sort, but I don't know that that's the same as affirmative requests.


Maybe someone else has more insight into some of these.
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MommaTasha1003
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 12:45 AM

Ive tried gentle parenting... Someone I know with same age kid did a more tougher approach... They are both 6yo now, guess whos kid is better mannered & pleasant to be around :-/ Not mine!! I did something wrong somewhere!! :-(


JaxMomma78
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 1:36 AM
Instead of saying no or don't or stop. Day things they CAN do. Markers are for coloring on paper. Or we jump on the floor, not the couch. It's a different way of saying redirection. Avoid using negative terms. My motto is 2 "yes's",for every "no". Keep it positive, but be realistic. Life is full of "no" we just need to find the yes.
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sreichelt26
by Bronze Member on Nov. 23, 2012 at 3:50 AM
1 mom liked this
Ahaparenting.com is a really good source. Read through the articles and especially the blog - it goes into the why of most of these. When you understand the reasoning and psychology behind it, it's a lot easier to put into practice.

Now for the bullet points:

Natural consequences are nothing you enforce. If they don't want to wear a jacket, then they will be cold. If they aren't gentle with the cat, the cat will scratch them. If they play rough with a toy, it will break. But you as the mindful parent will help guide them. So it would be like, "it's cold outside, can you put on your coat? Ok, if you don't want to wear a coat that's fine, but I'm going to bring it with us in case you change your mind." Or "hitting the cat isn't nice. Give gentle touches."


Offering praise - saw things that empower your child instead of putting a stamp of approval, so to speak. So say "You did it!" instead of "Good job!"


Time in - if a child gets to the point of a tantrum or is acting out, it's because they have really big emotions they don't know how to handle or they're feeling disconnected from you. A time out says "your behavior is so bad I can't stand to be around you, so I'm sending you away" (not intentionally, that's how the child feels). A time in says "I can see you're having a hard time. Come here so we can reconnect and figure this out."


Logical consequences is the "if you don't want to wear shoes then I need to carry you" or "if you continue to use your toy to hit me, I'll need to put it away."


Discipline through play I'm not super sure on, but there's a book called Playful Parenting that goes through all of that. Their website might have more info/examples.


Affirmative requests - tell them what to DO instead of what NOT to do. "Walk please" instead of "no running." "Gentle touches" instead of "no hitting." Find more ways to turn a no into a yes. No is usually reserved for something very serious or dangerous.
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catholicmamamia
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 6:19 PM
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Discipline through play.... keep in mind that 'discipline' means 'to teach,' so teach appropriate behaviors through games (imaginative, role playing, etc.) Example.. use a fun game to teach the difference between 'inside voice' and 'outside voice.' Consider this.. is it fair to 'punish' a child for 'breaking the rules' if the rules (appropriate vs inappropriate behavior) have not yet been taught? 

Make requests in the affirmative.... if a child is speaking too loudly, instead of saying 'hush! you are being too loud!' you would say 'please use your inside voice.' 

Allow natural consequences.... if you ask your child to sit nicely while eating a popsicle so it is not dropped, but instead the child does not follow your instruction and the popsicle is dropped.. the natural consequence is the popsicle is gone. No more popsicle. Allow the consequence to happen, do not replace it. No need to be ugly about it.. be kind and sympathetic, but firm. 

Use care when offering praise.... offer the right amount of praise, and the right kind. Too little praise can hurt our children's self-esteem, but so can too much. We want our children to receive positive feedback, but we also want them to 'be good for goodness' sake' and not for the prize of praise.

Use time-in rather than time-out.... with an older child, teen, or adult, time-outs can be an effective discipline tool. Those who know how to use time-out can take one deliberately to calm and focus. When disciplining (teaching) younger children, time-outs are often being imposed as a punishment for a child who has not yet learned how to use the time-out to calm down and reflect on the actions that led to the time-out. Time-in is kind of a pre-cursor to time-out (self-imposed), and is a way to teach a child how to examine their conscience and behavior, troubleshoot what are their triggers that lead to misbehavior, bad attitude, aggression, etc., how to find appropriate ways to deal with troubling situations and feelings, etc. Basically, think of time-out as a useful tool to those who know how to use it but an ineffective punishment to those who have yet to learn how to use it.

Use logical consequences sparingly and with compassion.... a natural consequence is a natural effect of a cause which happens without parental involvement and usually imposed by nature or other person(s), and a logical consequence is a logical effect of a cause which happens through parental involvement. Logical consequences can be reserved for more consistent discipline issues when other gentle discipline tools are not proving effective, and should be dispensed with compassion in an effort to gently guide a child to appropriate behaviors and attitudes. An example, using the popsicle analogy.. natural consequence to child not sitting nicely with popsicle is the popsicle being dropped and not being replaced, logical consequence would be the parent letting the child know that if it happens again the following day there will be no popsicle treat for the rest of the week. It is a logical consequence because it is using logic to teach, and is not punitive in nature. Punitive consequence would be 'if you drop your popsicle, you will get a spanking.'


         

EthansMomma2010
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 9:55 PM

 how in the heck do you discipline through play? maybe i missed something but when my child is disobeying play is not an option.

jellyphish
by Platinum Member on Nov. 23, 2012 at 10:51 PM
2 moms liked this
Well remember, 'discipline' is not synonymous with 'punishment.' Discipline means 'to teach,' and is not always punishment. Teaching manners, cleaning up, good behaviors, etc is discipline. Punishment is different.

Quoting EthansMomma2010:

 how in the heck do you discipline through play? maybe i missed something but when my child is disobeying play is not an option.

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EthansMomma2010
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 11:10 PM
Yah I teach him to clean up and such in a nice way. I just think that term makes it sound like everything should've a game and it isn't.

Quoting jellyphish:

Well remember, 'discipline' is not synonymous with 'punishment.' Discipline means 'to teach,' and is not always punishment. Teaching manners, cleaning up, good behaviors, etc is discipline. Punishment is different.



Quoting EthansMomma2010:

 how in the heck do you discipline through play? maybe i missed something but when my child is disobeying play is not an option.

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pce68
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 11:14 PM
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Let me go through some of these for you : 

Discipline through play - I take this to mean, try to make some things into a game. Like cleaning up toys. Instead of just telling them to do it and then getting upset when they don't, have a race. Set a timer and see if they can get the toys cleaned up before the timer goes off. Or see if they can clean up all the cars before you pick up the blocks. 

Make requests in the affirmative: Tell your child what you want them to do, instead of what you DON'T want them to do. Ex: "We walk in the store" not "Don't run" or "Sit in the chair." instead of "Don't stand in the chair."

Allow natural consequences: When possible, allow your child to experience the natural consequences of his/her actions. Ex. Your 3 yr old refuses to wear her jacket. You let her go without it and she gets cold. (I usually took the jacket with us, but did not force her to wear it. Once she got outside and felt the cold air, she usually changed her mind and wanted the jacket). Another ex: Your 8 yr old refuses to bring her bike into the garage, and it gets stolen, or damaged. Instead of buying a new one, the child has to do without a bike.

Use care when offering praise: When you praise, try to say things like "I really appreciate you helping me clean up." not "You are such a great helper." another example: "I'm really proud of you for working so hard on your school project." Not "You are just the smartest little girl. That project is amazing!"

Use time-in rather than time-out: This is allowing the child to go somewhere and calm down, rather than punishing the child by making them sit x amount of minutes. Time-in isn't punitive. They can read, or listen to music, or even take a rest, and they can come out whenever they have calmed down.

Use logical consequences sparingly and with compassion: Use the least consequence for the offense. Ex: Your preschooler has a playdate and tries to play with all the toys and not share. Instead of making the other child leave and saying no more playdates, you talk to your child, sympathize about how hard it is to share, and try to get him to pick a toy to share. Or you put a time limit, and say the friend gets to play with it for 10 minutes, then your child gets it. And tell your child,"I know it is really hard to share your toys." That is showing compassion.

Quoting GoodyBrook:

 

I'm relatively new to the AP mindset, and I'm curious if you gals can explain any of the suggestions that I've put into red below.  I'd love to be better prepared when DS starts acting out, yet I need clarification of some of these concepts...

Thanks!


Tools for Positive Discipline (taken from AttachmentParenting.org)

This list is not all-inclusive, and some techniques described may not be suitable for children of a particular age or temperament.


  • Maintain a positive relationship
  • Use empathy and respect
  • Research positive discipline
  • Understand the unmet need
  • Work out a solution together
  • Be proactive
  • Understand the child's developmental abilities
  • Create a "yes" environment
  • Discipline through play
  • Change things up
  • State facts rather than making demands
  • Avoid labeling
  • Make requests in the affirmative
  • Allow natural consequences
  • Use care when offering praise
  • Use time-in rather than time-out
  • Use time-in as a parent, too
  • Talk to a child before intervening
  • Don't force apologies
  • Comfort the hurt child first
  • Offer choices
  • Be sensitive to strong emotions
  • Consider carefully before imposing the parent's will
  • Use logical consequences sparingly and with compassion
  • Use incentives creatively with older children








hapababies
by Silver Member on Nov. 23, 2012 at 11:15 PM
There is an awesome quote from mr. Rogers that goes something like "play is not a break from work for children, play is work". So play is your opportunity to teach social skills. You probably do it without even knowing it.
My son loves trains, and we have some Thomas toy trains. Sometimes, I'll make one of the trains act out and do something that my 3 year old does, like not sharing. My son plays along with me with his train to try to get my train to share.
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