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Natural Birth & Parenting Natural Birth & Parenting

frustrated...and highly emotional and sensative! vent

Posted by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 11:22 AM
  • 13 Replies

DH and I had a small discussion yesterday, that I plan on carrying on to today. We were talking about birth plans and DH said "why not just go to the hospital?" SERIOUSLY!?!?!? After all I did to fight for our last two births, he thinks I'm ok with going to the hospital? The more I think oabout it the less I want to go. Then he says "you know I'm getting a vasectomy" One of teh first things people have been talking to him about since I got pregnant was how to prevent future children! I know I'm being overly sensitive, but if he plans on getting a vasectomy, even though he knows I disagree, and thinks I'm going to give birth to our last child in the hospital.....well....I just feel like he's being so selfish! He never comes to me and asks "what do you want to do?" or "whats the most important thing to you? No, he talks to me about making all these changes, vasectomy, he wants me to stop homeschooling. moving away from all our family, and his preference....moving to where his bestfriend lives, and his bf doesn't like me! I'm just so frustrated with him right now! I feel sick as a dog, and exhausted and he barely has lifted a finger this weekend.  I think I may be overly emotional, and I'm trying to see it through those eyes, because really DH has made so many sacrifices for us, he works extremely hard and has allowed me to homeschool this year (while dragging his feet, but still).  I don't know. I think I will talk to him today about it, hopefully the kids will allow us the time to talk.

juliakf333. Get yours at bighugelabs.com
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 11:22 AM
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Terpsichore
by Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 2:36 PM
1 mom liked this

Precious33, I offer my two cents, please take it with a grain of salt and understand it's just one woman's opinion. I agree that larissalarie's response was quite harsh. I do agree that a vasectomy should be his choice, and be respected by you. It takes two people to make a baby and if he is done, kudos to him for going with a vasectomy, which can be reversed.

Ok, for hospital births: maybe he's being an ass, maybe he just isn't thinking about it the same way you do. I don't know your hubby. I know mine is a nurse, so he's been taught "doctors know best". For my baby #1, tour of the birth cottage and meeting the midwives made him feel more comfortable with my decision. He did ask me that if me or the baby's life was at risk, I would have an emergency c-section, wouldn't I? Yes, of course, I'm glad he communicated his concern to me. He was also going to go with the normal vaccination schedule, until I asked him to read just a paragraph or two about aluminum content. The compromise was fully vaccinated, but on an alternate schedule. My hubby likes going what seems to be the easiest route, which to him is just doing what doctors tell him, doing what is most commonly done: hospital birth, public school, all that jazz. 

Homeschooling: if it was me and my hubby, I imagine hubby would be for recommending public school as a solution to complaints I may have, like being so tired because I'm pregnant and have all these commitments. Some communication might help (or might not). This has happened when I complained about breastfeeding and he suggested I wean. After I'd calmed down, and we found a time to communicate, I let him know that when I complain about breastfeeding, I don't want a solution. I want emotional support. Hubby also doesn't lift a finger unless I order him to. He doesn't see a need to wash laundry until he's got nothing left to wear. That worked when we didn't have children, but changing those habits have been an uphill battle. 


Mrs.Salz
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 3:02 PM

*hugs*

Precious333
by Gold Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 4:04 PM
I think DH and i just need to have a good discussion about things. As far as vasectomy goes....i know he gets to decide....Im just really greiving thw fact that some lives that could have been will never be. I cant imagine not having my third that would have never existed. As far as hospital birth goes....Im trying to be ok with the possibility we may not have a homebirth....and I greive that as well. Our first hospital birth was pretty traumatic....and since I have been to "natural" hospital births and it was pretty sad and not how I want to start off my babys life.


Quoting Terpsichore:

Precious33, I offer my two cents, please take it with a grain of salt and understand it's just one woman's opinion. I agree that larissalarie's response was quite harsh. I do agree that a vasectomy should be his choice, and be respected by you. It takes two people to make a baby and if he is done, kudos to him for going with a vasectomy, which can be reversed.

Ok, for hospital births: maybe he's being an ass, maybe he just isn't thinking about it the same way you do. I don't know your hubby. I know mine is a nurse, so he's been taught "doctors know best". For my baby #1, tour of the birth cottage and meeting the midwives made him feel more comfortable with my decision. He did ask me that if me or the baby's life was at risk, I would have an emergency c-section, wouldn't I? Yes, of course, I'm glad he communicated his concern to me. He was also going to go with the normal vaccination schedule, until I asked him to read just a paragraph or two about aluminum content. The compromise was fully vaccinated, but on an alternate schedule. My hubby likes going what seems to be the easiest route, which to him is just doing what doctors tell him, doing what is most commonly done: hospital birth, public school, all that jazz. 

Homeschooling: if it was me and my hubby, I imagine hubby would be for recommending public school as a solution to complaints I may have, like being so tired because I'm pregnant and have all these commitments. Some communication might help (or might not). This has happened when I complained about breastfeeding and he suggested I wean. After I'd calmed down, and we found a time to communicate, I let him know that when I complain about breastfeeding, I don't want a solution. I want emotional support. Hubby also doesn't lift a finger unless I order him to. He doesn't see a need to wash laundry until he's got nothing left to wear. That worked when we didn't have children, but changing those habits have been an uphill battle. 



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Precious333
by Gold Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 4:06 PM
and to add....about homeschooling...its far more stressful on our family to put the kids in school.....i have never complained about homeschooling to DH and that would not be his reasoning to put the kids in ps.
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vanityrayne
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 4:26 PM
Hm.. Ok so te vasectomy is mainly his choice but I do think it's both of your decision. My hubs got his last march and tho I do wonder what having a third child would be like I know it's for the best bc I miscarried then got pregnant w twins but lost one. So I couldn't take any more "downs" I don't so well on BC so we decided together that this was best. Bit since I think that's his decision bc it's his body I think the home birth is yours. Tho it is something you both need to talk about and both need to understand. Now onto schooling! Does he have a really good reason why he wants ps? I only see good things in homeschooling. But i only agree w him IF you are having a hard time with it. Which you said you are not.

I'm jw bc I don't know how it works. But if you get WIC can't you get Medicaid or FS or anything else?

Best of luck!
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FelixFelicis
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 7:09 PM

My first assumption, after reading all your posts over the last few months, is something like Larissa's, tbh. Just by your posts I would assume you were trying to get pregnant even though your husband didn't want it. But if you weren't using any kind of birth control, and he agreed to the type of method you were using, it's his responsibility too. I know a lot of women that lie and say they're on birth control when they're not, and that's down right deceitful, but if you had a method you both agreed to he is as responsible for this pregnancy as you are, so his support *should* be there, I think. This child is his as much as it is yours, so if he genuinely wants you to birth in a hospital for you or your child's sake, then I'd seriously consider it. Except you've had two home births, it sounds like, so that really makes no sense. This baby deserves the same respects as your others, planned or not. If you both feel home birth is the better option than you should both be fighting for a home birth. Parenting together does not work if one is doing it with an "I don't care anymore" attitude.

How your children are schooled is a decision you need to make together. He should respect your opinions & you should respect his, ideally. And, of course, facts should be considered on both sides.

As for the vasectomy, I feel this is up to both of you as well. If you don't want him to get it, he should respect that, but you should respect his not wanting any more children too. Both will need to make sacrifices. How much do you not want him to get a vasectomy? Enough to go on birth control? Would he agree to that? Things like that.

Basically I feel like these kinds of decisions should be made by both of you, a meet in the middle sort of thing. Marriage doesn't work without compromise.

catholicmamamia
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 9:13 PM

I don't know either, Julia. It is really important for husbands and wives to be on the same page. Perhaps marriage counseling would help both of you sort through some of this, because you seem to be on opposite sides of so many main issues.


                    
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Precious333
by Gold Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 9:26 PM

thanks everyone, I have calmed down a bit and talked to DH. I think maybe I need to talk to people who really know me before coming on here when I'm emotional and start venting to women that don't know me and our situation that well. So, for that I apologize, it just helps sometimes to come here and write things down to let off steam, but I don't think its always as helpful as in the long run.

As far as marriage counseling goes, my church is offering a marriage course sort of thing, and I'm praying DH agrees to go. WE have been to counseling before and I think it has helped in the past.

I talked to DH today about vasectomy and homebirth. He said whatever I need to do to feel comfortable, so he is really being supportive. I still don't know if it will work out though, because I am not willing to put us in debt over our heads just so I can stay home....no matter how badly I want to....I am going to pray about it, God will make a way if its His will.

As far as vasectomy goes, if DH decides to, than he decides to and I will not stand in his way. We already have two more children than he ever imagined, and I'm praying (especially for his sake) that this baby is a girl, he really really wants a girl. 

I'm sorry I misled everyone in previous posts I have made. I would never lie to my husband about birth control, and I would NEVER purposefully get pregnant without his consent. WE have been using the same kind of birth control for over e year, these past few months it obviously didn't work.

peaches_04
by on Dec. 31, 2012 at 3:19 AM
I swear men have some hormone thats activated when their mate gets pregnant that quadruaples their douch factor

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907PickleMom
by Bronze Member on Dec. 31, 2012 at 1:47 PM
My DH was a horrible douche both pregnancies..
Hope all works out for you!


Quoting peaches_04:

I swear men have some hormone thats activated when their mate gets pregnant that quadruaples their douch factor




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