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Natural Birth & Parenting Natural Birth & Parenting

Temper tantrums

Posted by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 1:58 AM
  • 27 Replies

How do you deal with temper tantrums. Especially if one is thrown before bed?

if dd (age 2.5) flies off the handle while we are out and about, we immediately pull her away from the situation and deal with it. If she throws one at home, we give her no mind for a few of minutes (until she gets over the anger stage) and then comfort her and deal with it. At bedtime, though, nothing seems to work to (a) stop the tantrum while (b) getting her any closer to going to bed. If we just let her be and not try to help her work through it, it only escalates. 

Any advice/opinions are welcome!

by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 1:58 AM
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Precious333
by Gold Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 2:15 AM
Yeah, we r in a similar situation. I would call when a child is willfully disobedient or not getting thier way as a temper tantrm. If its when they are unconsolable than its more like a meltdown, and i would do what we can to calm them down. For my 2 yr old that means nursing.
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littlelambe2
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 2:59 AM
1 mom liked this

Thanks for your reply. It usually starts off with dd willingly (even asking) to go to bed, but after snack, books, and in bed, she'll start fighting sleep when she starts to drift off. Either dh or I (or both) are in there with her. And she'll just pop up and start saying she's not tired, or doesn't want to be in her room, doesn't like her bed, etc. if she protests, it always starts as a temper tantrum, but seems to meld into a meltdown. It was so much easier when I was nursing her! Lol


Quoting Precious333:

Yeah, we r in a similar situation. I would call when a child is willfully disobedient or not getting thier way as a temper tantrm. If its when they are unconsolable than its more like a meltdown, and i would do what we can to calm them down. For my 2 yr old that means nursing.



RandiBear
by Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 3:37 AM
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My son used to do the same thing. We fixed the problem by moving "bed time" up half an hour and calling it "resting" and would set him up in his room with his drink (he has dry mouth so he has water in a sippy every night) and a book or couple quiet toys in his beanbag chair. Instead of calling it bedtime, we told him to "have a quiet rest" and he would end up migrating to his bed when he got sleepy. I think for him, it was a matter of not wanting to be put to bed by us and wanting to be a big boy (he's very independant). Maybe something like that may work for you?

maddiesmommy5
by Bronze Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 8:19 AM
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Quoting RandiBear:

My son used to do the same thing. We fixed the problem by moving "bed time" up half an hour and calling it "resting" and would set him up in his room with his drink (he has dry mouth so he has water in a sippy every night) and a book or couple quiet toys in his beanbag chair. Instead of calling it bedtime, we told him to "have a quiet rest" and he would end up migrating to his bed when he got sleepy. I think for him, it was a matter of not wanting to be put to bed by us and wanting to be a big boy (he's very independant). Maybe something like that may work for you?

 THis is the exact same we did with our dd at that age. She would get so overtired that she would then start having a melt down. moved bedtime up and let her "rest" she would always fall asleep in 15 min or so. 

larissalarie
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 8:23 AM
None of my children have ever really been fit throwers. When they were much younger than 2 and tried it the first time, it got them completely ignored, so they never had a reason to do it again.

You might make bedtime earlier, but otherwise I would ignore it and walk outta her room. To me it sounds like she's learned a way to stall bedtime. At 2, it's not like she's unaware of what's happening, so it's not CIO. Once it stops getting her extra attention and stalling bedtime, I'd guess she'll quit doing it.

Normally I'm pretty gentle and very much there for my children, but in my experience there's just no way to deal with a tantrum that doesn't fuel it other than to ignore it.
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littlelambe2
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 7:16 PM

Thanks for your reply! If I'm in the room with her, I can be firm and she deals with it. If she protests, I'm just a broken record and she gets over it pretty quick. On the other hand, if dh is in the room with her and tries to be firm, she'll protest and get out of control. It gets to the point to where she's hanging off the door just sobbing, calling for me. I don't know if its hormones of just having a baby a couple months ago or what, but I just can't leave her like that. Dh thinks its best to just sit there in the room and ignore her, but it just tears me up when she goes over the edge like that. It could be because it brings back bad memories. I had bad tempers as a kid and threw them all the way until I was 14/15. And I just remember feeling so frustrated, alone and unloved because my parents would just walk out, ignore, and not be there for me when I had trouble handling my emotions. I don't want her to feel like that, but I don't know if I'm properly judging the situation either between hormones and lack of sleep. She definitely gets more worked up with dh, and after about 10 mins I can't handle it anymore and just go in there to settle her down. She will not settle down for dh. And if she's anything like me (which she's proving to be), she could do that for a few hours. 

There have been a couple times when she's started throwing a fit when I'm in the room with her nursing the baby. I just get up and tell her I have to leave because she's too loud and ill come back in when she is done. She doesn't tip over the edge when I've done that. I just don't know why she gives dh such a hard time. Is it because I "rescue" her? Or does she still need me? Idk. I appreciate your thoughtful and honest replies. 


Quoting larissalarie:

None of my children have ever really been fit throwers. When they were much younger than 2 and tried it the first time, it got them completely ignored, so they never had a reason to do it again.

You might make bedtime earlier, but otherwise I would ignore it and walk outta her room. To me it sounds like she's learned a way to stall bedtime. At 2, it's not like she's unaware of what's happening, so it's not CIO. Once it stops getting her extra attention and stalling bedtime, I'd guess she'll quit doing it.

Normally I'm pretty gentle and very much there for my children, but in my experience there's just no way to deal with a tantrum that doesn't fuel it other than to ignore it.



JoJoBean8
by Group Mod on Jan. 19, 2013 at 8:45 PM

Could she be over tired? I know when my kids are really tired they throw horrible fits. Maybe try moving bedtime up a little and see what happens. 

KJH78
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 8:59 PM
My daughter who is also 2.5 yrs old gets more upset when her daddy is putting her to bed than me...it gets frustrating. I do think its more due to the fact she knows it gets to me and I still struggle with letting him push though but I also notice the differences between when I put her to bed and when daddy does. I think I tend to be more nuturing and pat her back for a few minutes where when her daddy does bed time he seems to be more about getting her in bed and out lf there....the one thing I've been doing if she's not actively working on going to sleep is to tell her I'm leaving the room for 3 minutes since she's still settling down and when I return if she still hasn't settled down I leave again..usually one time is all it takes and she is ready to be patted for a couple minutes...


Quoting littlelambe2:

Thanks for your reply! If I'm in the room with her, I can be firm and she deals with it. If she protests, I'm just a broken record and she gets over it pretty quick. On the other hand, if dh is in the room with her and tries to be firm, she'll protest and get out of control. It gets to the point to where she's hanging off the door just sobbing, calling for me. I don't know if its hormones of just having a baby a couple months ago or what, but I just can't leave her like that. Dh thinks its best to just sit there in the room and ignore her, but it just tears me up when she goes over the edge like that. It could be because it brings back bad memories. I had bad tempers as a kid and threw them all the way until I was 14/15. And I just remember feeling so frustrated, alone and unloved because my parents would just walk out, ignore, and not be there for me when I had trouble handling my emotions. I don't want her to feel like that, but I don't know if I'm properly judging the situation either between hormones and lack of sleep. She definitely gets more worked up with dh, and after about 10 mins I can't handle it anymore and just go in there to settle her down. She will not settle down for dh. And if she's anything like me (which she's proving to be), she could do that for a few hours. 

There have been a couple times when she's started throwing a fit when I'm in the room with her nursing the baby. I just get up and tell her I have to leave because she's too loud and ill come back in when she is done. She doesn't tip over the edge when I've done that. I just don't know why she gives dh such a hard time. Is it because I "rescue" her? Or does she still need me? Idk. I appreciate your thoughtful and honest replies. 



Quoting larissalarie:

None of my children have ever really been fit throwers. When they were much younger than 2 and tried it the first time, it got them completely ignored, so they never had a reason to do it again.

You might make bedtime earlier, but otherwise I would ignore it and walk outta her room. To me it sounds like she's learned a way to stall bedtime. At 2, it's not like she's unaware of what's happening, so it's not CIO. Once it stops getting her extra attention and stalling bedtime, I'd guess she'll quit doing it.

Normally I'm pretty gentle and very much there for my children, but in my experience there's just no way to deal with a tantrum that doesn't fuel it other than to ignore it.





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Cynthje
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 9:22 PM

I have one that goes into total meltdown and one who has never had a meltdown in his life! with Ella its simple, today she went into meltdown when i refused to give her the 4th clean top to sleep in, i told her listen i gave you 3 already and thats enough...well that didnt go down well (shes almost 4).

I talked to her and explained why not and left it at that, she isnt one to come out ofher room a 100 times so thats easy, but she was whining and complaining for a while 

larissalarie
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 9:22 PM
Yes, I would guess it's because she knows you'll come in if she has a huge freak out. Kids are smart and they know what they're doing :-) Of course to break the bad habit now, yes you're looking at an extended screaming period. If you decide to do it, don't cave. If she screams for an hour and you finally go and rescue her from Daddy, you've just taught her to scream that much longer the next time you try. Not saying that you need to do it, but IMO either YOU just need to put her to bed, or you need to stick it out when Daddy does it, because right now you're just rewarding the behavior. If you know you can't stand it, that's fine, just cut out the having her scream for Daddy/Mommy saves the day part of the routine and just have Mommy do it from the start.

My sister's girls are tantrum throwers. It's interesting to watch as someone close, but neutral. The behavior is VERY specific to the audience. If they are just with me, they don't do it. They know I won't respond so they ask and express their desires & emotions with words to me. Now if my sister is there too, there's definitely a lot more drama/tantrums but she's getting better at not responding until they calm down so it's not horrible. However when the grandparents are there, it's AWFUL. Seriously the worst over the top stuff I've seen. But they egg it on by coddling them, begging them to calm down, giving them anything & everything, etc.

Anyway, good luck. If you don't feel ok ignoring a tantrum, that's all that matters:-)


Quoting littlelambe2:

Thanks for your reply! If I'm in the room with her, I can be firm and she deals with it. If she protests, I'm just a broken record and she gets over it pretty quick. On the other hand, if dh is in the room with her and tries to be firm, she'll protest and get out of control. It gets to the point to where she's hanging off the door just sobbing, calling for me. I don't know if its hormones of just having a baby a couple months ago or what, but I just can't leave her like that. Dh thinks its best to just sit there in the room and ignore her, but it just tears me up when she goes over the edge like that. It could be because it brings back bad memories. I had bad tempers as a kid and threw them all the way until I was 14/15. And I just remember feeling so frustrated, alone and unloved because my parents would just walk out, ignore, and not be there for me when I had trouble handling my emotions. I don't want her to feel like that, but I don't know if I'm properly judging the situation either between hormones and lack of sleep. She definitely gets more worked up with dh, and after about 10 mins I can't handle it anymore and just go in there to settle her down. She will not settle down for dh. And if she's anything like me (which she's proving to be), she could do that for a few hours. 

There have been a couple times when she's started throwing a fit when I'm in the room with her nursing the baby. I just get up and tell her I have to leave because she's too loud and ill come back in when she is done. She doesn't tip over the edge when I've done that. I just don't know why she gives dh such a hard time. Is it because I "rescue" her? Or does she still need me? Idk. I appreciate your thoughtful and honest replies. 



Quoting larissalarie:

None of my children have ever really been fit throwers. When they were much younger than 2 and tried it the first time, it got them completely ignored, so they never had a reason to do it again.

You might make bedtime earlier, but otherwise I would ignore it and walk outta her room. To me it sounds like she's learned a way to stall bedtime. At 2, it's not like she's unaware of what's happening, so it's not CIO. Once it stops getting her extra attention and stalling bedtime, I'd guess she'll quit doing it.

Normally I'm pretty gentle and very much there for my children, but in my experience there's just no way to deal with a tantrum that doesn't fuel it other than to ignore it.




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