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Natural Birth & Parenting Natural Birth & Parenting

No Doula Allowed *UPDATE*

Posted by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 2:47 PM
  • 53 Replies
2 moms liked this

I was about 20 weeks pregnant with my first child when I decided that I wanted to try natural birth. Before that, I was all about the epidural. Now, I want to do things completely different.  My boyfriend is in support of me trying to do it natural but when I brought up having a doula, he freaked out.

My boyfriend is a nurse and feels that I do not need a doula and he is all the support that I need. He feels like "this is his time to shine" and he doesn't want anyone intruding on our experience together. This is just the short version. He was really ugly about the whole thing and made me feel stupid for wanting a doula at the birth. He even went as far to say that if I invite a doula over to meet us, he will just cuss them out and tell them to leave. He thinks I am just having anxiety and that I am worrying too much and thats why he thinks I feel like I need a doula. 

I feel defeated at this point. I wish I would have done more research about births before choosing to have a hospital birth. I do not want a home birth, but I feel like a birthing center would fit my needs better. Anyway, it is too late to change all of that now, and I feel that having a doula is the next best thing to having a birth at a birthing center since I have a lot of concerns about giving birth in a hospital. 

I dropped the conversation a few weeks ago, but now I am wanting to bring it up again but I have no idea how to with out him getting defensive and angry.

Anyone have suggestions on how to get him to agree to having a doula there?


Shortly after I made this post, I did some more research in changing my birth plan (switching from my hospital to a birthing center). I am happy to say that it was actually very easy to switch because I am still early in the game so to speak (25 weeks pregnant). I just had to get my files transferred from my old doctor to my new one. The birthing center is connected to a hospital (but is separate from the normal labor and delivery). The center is focused on natural birth and all of the nurses are trained in natural birth. Essentially, this makes me feel much more comfortable with my soon-to-be birth experience. Additionally, I no longer feel like I need a doula. This is a win-win for both me and my boyfriend. We don't have to argue about getting a doula, and I get to give birth where I would like where I get the extra support I was looking for in the first place. Thanks for all the replies and the support! I really appreciate it :)

by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 2:47 PM
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Replies (1-10):
jellyphish
by Platinum Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 2:51 PM
Why is it too late to change?

Do you not feel he will support or advocate for you enough?
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YngCollegeSMom
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 2:54 PM


Quoting jellyphish:

Why is it too late to change?

Do you not feel he will support or advocate for you enough?

Insurance reasons. It is too complicated to try and change everything now. 

I feel like he will do a great job, but I would love to have the extra support from someone who is a professional when it comes to natural birth. 

littlelambe2
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 2:55 PM

 A doula won't replace your bf. she can just be the backup. So that he can leave to pee, eat, etc. what type of nurse is your bf?

YngCollegeSMom
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 3:00 PM


Quoting littlelambe2:

 A doula won't replace your bf. she can just be the backup. So that he can leave to pee, eat, etc. what type of nurse is your bf?

I've told him this and he still feels like I am "emasculating" him and not trusting his medical knowledge, as if I don't have faith in him by wanting one.

He isn't even an RN. He has been an LPN for 7 or 8 years. Granted he spent 5 years in the ER, a doula still has much more experience and training in births!

tansyflower
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 3:03 PM
3 moms liked this

it is NOT too late.  and if he wants to be your support person then he actually has to be supportive....which he isnt being at the moment.  i also wanted a private experience between just me and my husband, but the real difference is that i had a trusted midwife who i knew would be my advocate, especially if i transfered to a hospital.  in a sense she was also my doula.  she was there to support BOTH of us through her experience and education so that we got the birth that WE wanted and were given informed consent no matter what the setting was.

there are ways to approach this without hurting his feelings.  first do some research on birthing centers in your area that take your insurance and find out what your options are.  THEN approach him and ask him to go with you to the appt to meet the midwives.  tell him you need his help choosing where you birth and who is the attendant.  make it known that his opinion does matter to you.  hopefully he will take that step forward with you in trying to find a place that will honor your birthing choices.  

if he doesnt then you really have to make a decision about how supportive he will be for you.  this is your birth, its your body and if he loves you he will want to make sure you are comfortable with your options.  you have to be able to have your needs be known and respected.

louzannalady
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 3:05 PM

*hug* I am so sorry you are going through this. My husband was leery at first of having a doula. Then, I presented him with studies on how they decrease my chance for major surgery and decrease PPD and increase the breast feeding success. Here is a great study below. Also, I explained that the doula does not replace him. She has been through birth or seen births and knows the ins and outs and helps dad know what to do! : ) Dr John Kennell conducted a study on doulas and he said, "If a doula were a drug, it would be unethical not to use it." 

louzannalady
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 3:13 PM

I would explain I have him, doctors and nurses for all the medical knowledge that is needed. That birth is NOT a medical event and that you need someone who understands that by your side. Otherwise, you WILL end up one of the three women who ends up with a c-section, because she did not have that support. That our country looks at birth as a medical event and that is what has lead to 46 other countries have lower maternal death rates. That hospitals are dangerous places to birth and that you need a doula to keep you SAFE from those stats. Also, look up the c-section rate at your hospital and explain THAT is what you are up against and that those numbers apply to you DIRECTLY- even being low risk. That countries that have midwives attend low-risk births and doulas attend, too are the ones with lower death rates and that is what you want for yourself! That if you were born in the 1980's you now have TWICE the maternal death rate than you mother did birthing you! 

https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/rankorder/2223rank.html 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/24/maternal-mortality-rate-infographic_n_1827427.html


Quoting YngCollegeSMom:


Quoting littlelambe2:

 A doula won't replace your bf. she can just be the backup. So that he can leave to pee, eat, etc. what type of nurse is your bf?

I've told him this and he still feels like I am "emasculating" him and not trusting his medical knowledge, as if I don't have faith in him by wanting one.

He isn't even an RN. He has been an LPN for 7 or 8 years. Granted he spent 5 years in the ER, a doula still has much more experience and training in births!


justone_jen
by Bronze Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 3:18 PM
6 moms liked this
At the risk of sounding like a bitch, your mate needs to shut the fuck up. When he gives birth, he can decide what support is appropriate. This is certainly not his "time to shine." How ridiculous!

I'd hire a doula anyway. If money is the issue, you could probably find a student who will not charge.

That whole, "I'll kick her out and cuss her out," line would royally piss me off. As if you have zero say? Please! Stand your ground, mama. I'd remind him that legally, you get to decide who's in the room, and if he's going to act like a selfish child, he isn't welcome.

Sorry if this is rash. I'm angry for you.
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3kidz123
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 3:35 PM

What if you get him to be your doula? I wanted one to and my husband freaked out also! He thinks it's our special time and said he's enough, I told him that if that's what he wants then he will be my doula. I'm trying to find books for him to read and I'm researching on my own things doulas have and do so my husband is basicly my little in training doula.

I'm also spending a lot of time finding what works for me now so I know what to have him offer. When ever I'm uncomfterble from pregnancy or stressed I've been trying new things and everything that helps goes on my list. I'm also keeping a close eye on drinks and foods I seem to tolerate when queezy for him to have for me in labor. So far I've found a heating pad is definatly on my labor list, and I'm trying diffrent safe pregnancy teas for calming. I'd like to try aromatherepy before th big day and I'm making a playlist of both music and shows/movies for the big day. 

Are you going to labor at home as long as posible? I want a homebirth but can't have one and I'm having a hard time getting into a birth center like I wanted to, so my next best thought is to labor at home and go in for just the birth part. Luckily I live close enough to do that.

conejoazul
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 3:44 PM

I would consider the firm but accurate approach that you are not bringing a doula into the birth experience to replace his "medical" training but instead to balance what modern medicine teaches (lately) with what women´s care has known for centuries.  Also, I am not clear how far along you are nor what you have had time to read to-date, but I am assuming that your dearBF has not had time to read extensively on midwife-assisted and/or doula-assisted birth. I could be wrong of course, but if that is the case, then encourage him to use the remaining weeks to "continue" his medical training by pulling in information from additional healthcare providers.  I realize I am guilty of putting authors like Ina May Gaskin on a pedastal, but she has probably actively been an active midwife and advocated natural birth longer through actual case histories than you or your BF have been alive.  If he hasn´t read any of her books before forming this opinion, you could safely tell him that he is shutting out relevant medical opinion that you would like him to absorb prior to the birth day.

Beyond that, no one but you will be pushing that baby out and you have to commit to exerting your preferences now so as not to falter when you are in labor. Practice makes perfect. If I were you, I would begin with him.

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