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Natural Birth & Parenting Natural Birth & Parenting

Overnights and cosleeping & breastfeeding

Posted by on Mar. 27, 2014 at 2:21 PM
  • 10 Replies
Hello all,

My ex wants to have a discussion about arranging for overnights with our 19-month old. A brief history: I abruptly left our relationship, taking the baby, due to his emotional abuse. Since then our son has lived with me. Since his birth, he has slept up against my body and nursed throughout the night. In his way he never fully wakes--he only stirs and searches for my breast--and he takes in 10-12 oz of milk overnight.

My ex is a great playmate to our son but has never shampooed his hair, cut his nails, brushed his teeth, etc. The once or twice per week that he spends his afternoon with the baby, the only way he is able to nap him is to put him in the baby carrier and walk around with him. He has never put him down for the night.

Does anyone have any links to studies, or resources they can suggest for my discussion with my ex? My goal Is to persuade him to wait until our baby is older before we do overnights, so that the baby can breastfeed, and because he Is too young to shuttled back and forth between homes.

Be well.
by on Mar. 27, 2014 at 2:21 PM
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Replies (1-10):
jellyphish
by Platinum Member on Mar. 27, 2014 at 9:07 PM
Does he know what a typical night entails and that he doesn't lactate sufficiently? Honestly, it sounds like he wouldn't be able to handle it at all.
Did you sign custody papers?
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EliteGoddess
by Member on Mar. 27, 2014 at 9:58 PM
He does know, so I'm not sure what his thinking is.

There is no custody order. I have a feeling, though, we may be heading that way.

Quoting jellyphish: Does he know what a typical night entails and that he doesn't lactate sufficiently? Honestly, it sounds like he wouldn't be able to handle it at all.
Did you sign custody papers?
monalisasus
by Bronze Member on Mar. 27, 2014 at 10:40 PM
I have no studies for you but overnights are a bad idea. Sounds like your son would be taken from his safe zone at night which would not go well.
jconney80
by Group Mod on Mar. 28, 2014 at 11:07 PM

I would share the reality of what he will be having to do overnight if he took your little one for the night. It really won't be fun like he probably thinks it will. It will be fun when he's older.

tabi_cat1023
by Group Mod - Tabitha on Mar. 28, 2014 at 11:37 PM

Oh man I wish I had links or something.  I really think the reality of trying to put him to bed woud make him realize how hard it is and that overnights just arent worth it.  OR baby could shock you and not even act that way when you arent there...who knows

SlapItHigh
by on Mar. 28, 2014 at 11:57 PM
J wish I had some links for you. But I really hope you guys are able to work something t out that doesn't involve overnights.
CAGsMama
by New Member on Mar. 29, 2014 at 2:22 AM

I went through this in 2011. But we of course ended up in court. I truly wish you the best of luck and hope that your ex is more level headed than my ex was. The judge didn't care about our son being breastfed or how he slept. I'm in CA and the courts make a point to give the dad as much time with their child as possible. The whole ordeal stressed me out so much, all The Mother's Milk tea in the world couldn't help me produce enough milk to pump for my son to take with him for overnights. I was forced in to feeding fomula :( My fingers are crossed for you mama :)

kajira
by Member on Mar. 29, 2014 at 9:43 AM

You may not like my suggestion, but I might suggest that if you agree to over nights, the first few times you do it, you ask to be there to help with the transition and make sure he knows what to do and also be there if he simply *can't* handle it. (i.e. you go to his house first and stay in a back room - but stay hidden unless he absolutely needs your help.)

This way, you are THERE if the baby is crying for hours or something, but he can see what it might really be like to have the baby over night and see how the baby does.

EliteGoddess
by Member on Mar. 29, 2014 at 10:19 AM
Thank you to everyone. Since my ex is a narcissist chances are he won't be level-headed. On the other side of it, he is an extremist when it comes to natural and organic things. This fact, and your posts, make me think that I should look for facts on how to wean a toddler. If he sees that one of the things you do to wean is to stop overnight feeding, maybe he'll rethink his demands. After all, he wants everyone to see that his child is purely natural, and the idea of formula won't sit well with him.

The other thing is he could easily have more time during the day if we rearranged a few things. I will try that.

But if anybody come across any links do let me know!!


kajira
by Member on Mar. 29, 2014 at 12:33 PM
1 mom liked this

Honestly, i'm guessing if you gav ehim the option of more play time and less responsbility, he'd get to claim he's a great dad, and gets to see his kid "all the time" he'd be more then willing to take that, so he doesn't have to stress or worry about over night visits until the kiddo's a little easier, and a little older.

Seriously, 4-5 wouldn't be so bad, but 2-3? yeah....my daughter weaned a week before her third birthday due to my pregnancy with my twins, and it wasn't easy on me at bedtimes for a while, she didn't want the milk because it tasted funny, but she was upset that she couldn't have the milk she DID want. LOL

We had to do lots of cuddling and rocking and other stuff to get past that hurdle, and it took 3-4 months and now i'm transitioning her to her own room and it's not exactly easy. I don't think she'd handle it if she was younger... at over 3 - she can be reasoned with, compromised with, bribed, and reassured with words and hugs better then she'd have been able to be at 2... you know?

there's just some development emotionally that happens between 3-5 that I think really gives them a better ability to handle that kind of stuff.


I weaned my son and transitioned him to his own room at 2 - and it was a total nightmare, he developmentally was just not ready on any level.

Quoting EliteGoddess: Thank you to everyone. Since my ex is a narcissist chances are he won't be level-headed. On the other side of it, he is an extremist when it comes to natural and organic things. This fact, and your posts, make me think that I should look for facts on how to wean a toddler. If he sees that one of the things you do to wean is to stop overnight feeding, maybe he'll rethink his demands. After all, he wants everyone to see that his child is purely natural, and the idea of formula won't sit well with him. The other thing is he could easily have more time during the day if we rearranged a few things. I will try that. But if anybody come across any links do let me know!!


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