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Please help!! 4 1/2 yo dd is getting more and more outrageous:(

Posted by on Aug. 21, 2014 at 10:01 PM
  • 11 Replies
Any advice is greatly appreciated:

Lately my 4 1/2 yo daughter has been showing very extreme (IMO) anger outbursts. She will choke, punch, bite, pinch, scream and throw objects at myself and her two brothers for what most would see as minor upsets.
Being asked to give a toy back to her brother set off a 30+ minute tirade this afternoon. Part of me thinks that nerves of starting 4K could be contributing to her emotional state. Her father and I have told her over and over again that 4K is her choice and not something we expect her to do if she doesn't want to.
I am at my wits end and have no idea what to do. I was physically restraining her this afternoon bc I was afraid for her and her brothers safety.

Thank you for your input and advice.
by on Aug. 21, 2014 at 10:01 PM
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Replies (1-10):
hapababies
by Silver Member on Aug. 22, 2014 at 1:20 AM
Have you thought about taking her to a child psychologist or a developmental pediatrician? They may be able to get to the bottom of her acting out through therapeutic methods. If you are afraid for your other child's safety, the medical route may be one to consider.
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othermom
by Member on Aug. 22, 2014 at 10:22 AM

I would talk to her doctor about it.

Precious333
by Gold Member on Aug. 22, 2014 at 10:28 AM
Is this new? I agree getting an evaluation.
Precious333
by Gold Member on Aug. 22, 2014 at 10:30 AM
Also, how are you both with setting boundaries? Do you set them? Are they clear, consistant and reasonable? What are the consequences if she disobeys them? What do you do when she has these fits?
jconney80
by Group Mod on Aug. 22, 2014 at 8:19 PM
2 moms liked this

I don't want to be too forward so I apologize if it is but I have 3 kids on the autism spectrum and that is one of their biggest signs. We have worked through the majority of that behavior by setting very clear boundaries, allowing the meltdown to fizzle out on their own because they have them anyways, and understanding that it is not coming from a place of defiance. It comes from a place of being very inflexible. I'd have a full eval with a developmental neuropsychologist or developmental pediatrician. It really helps to know how your child is motivated. My almost 3 year old will do the same exact things. I tell her I'm removing her until she decides to be safe. And I let it fizzle out. I don't give in to whatever demand it is and I give her a choice. My son used to do it frequently and he would want his way about whatever it was (it always changed). He would scream and I would give him his choices then let him scream and cry with me in the carrier until he calmed down and was ready to make a choice to do the right thing. I'm sure it's not exactly natural parenting friendly but for kids who have difficulty understanding clear boundaries they need us to be even more structured with making our expectations easy to understand but consistently enforcing them. I am very firm with my kids in that aspect because they have a lot of anxiety over not understanding boundaries and actually crave them even though they fight them. It's pretty crazy but that's how it is! 

Quoting hapababies: Have you thought about taking her to a child psychologist or a developmental pediatrician? They may be able to get to the bottom of her acting out through therapeutic methods. If you are afraid for your other child's safety, the medical route may be one to consider.


bloomsr
by Bronze Member on Aug. 23, 2014 at 1:10 AM
Thank you ladies for your input. I plan to have her seen by a developmental psychologist who has been recommended to me by a friend. I appreciate your answers and your willingness to share personal experiences with me.

I will update as our journey begins and progresses:)
Heartbabyannie
by New Member on Aug. 26, 2014 at 7:06 PM
1 mom liked this

Have you tried Essencial Oils? DoTerra has a recipe for a blend called "Peaceful Child" we use it in our house and it's INCREDIBLE. The difference in my daughter's behavior is unbelieveable. 

larissalarie
by on Aug. 28, 2014 at 2:22 AM
Goodness, I don't know! None of mine have been like that.
Do you think choice of preschool being on her little shoulders is just too much? I can't imagine making such a very young child be faced with such huge (to their) life decisions? I mean preschool or not is stressful for us adults!
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lancet98
by on Aug. 28, 2014 at 12:21 PM

Wait.   The CHILD decides whether the child goes to 4K or not?

REALLY?

It sounds like you're expecting HER to make the decision.   MUCH of her behavior could be from her parents expecting her to have far, far more emotional maturity at this age, than is possible.

Her behavior may be due to some disorder, but it also may not be due to some disorder. 4 1/2 year olds are not mature and don't have good control of their emotions, they DO, to an extent, get mad when asked to give toys back and they DO to some extent have tantrums.  I can't recall ever seeing a 4 1/2 year old who never had a tantrum or never threw a toy unless s/he had some type of disorder that caused withdrawal or other severe issues.

The question is, is the violence and temper MORE than what is considered 'normal'?   That is a clinical judgement.   To be absolutely sure, you'd have to take your child to a clinician like a developmental psychiatrist.  

But parents with more experience (and no axe to grind) could offer an opinion.  By 'no axe to grind' I mean they don't automatically declare that every behavior problem is 'a lack of discipline', without even seeing your child - in other words they don't come in assuming it's this or that without CAREFULLY watching how you and the child interact.  By 'more experience' I mean they have cared for many children in their lifetime and have several children of their own.   Ideally they have some experience with some behavioral disorders and recognize that some are a matter of biology, not a choice.

Statistically, it's more likely that it's a matter of how you handle the child, rather than some neurological disorder (like a mental illness, FAS or other brain injury).  But statistics only apply to large groups and probability only is a numerical measure, so is not proof either way.

Your original post sounds like you and your husband both way over-intellectualize what the child is doing and expect her to behave in a manner that just is not a realistic expectation for a 4 1/2 year old.   If that first impression of you is actually how you do deal with the child, you'll have to change. 

If her brothers are younger than her she may be jealous.   You may be stepping in too often to 'protect' the boys and you may be actually encouraging the behavior without knowing it.   You also may have ineffectual punishments that are overly complicated and too deferred for a 4 1/2 year old.   I'm going to guess that you don't spank your childre, but there are immediate punishments that are more at the intellectual level of a 4 1/2 year old, and my guess is you're not using them.   

 That's more likely than 4K being a huge emotional strain, I think.   That idea, I believe is really a shot in the dark, and an effort to blame someone else - like the CHILD for 'deciding' to go, which is ridiculous.

addiesmommy1109
by Member on Aug. 28, 2014 at 12:23 PM
I'm going through similar issues with my 4.5 year old dd. She has always been somewhat "high strung" and difficult but lately she is just out of control. Every night about 7:30 she goes into this whole different world. She trashes, screams, hits, hurts her younger sister, tells us she hates it, she doesn't care about anybody, she will do what she wants etc. It's so horribly frustrating.
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