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Natural Birth & Parenting Natural Birth & Parenting

Mom is not invited to birth! *UPDATE*

Posted by on Feb. 15, 2008 at 6:59 PM
  • 8 Replies
How do you tell someone they're not invited to your birth? My friend had a hard time with her mom at her 1st birth years ago. She wasn't supportive at all of her natural birthing choices. Now her second baby is due and her mom expects to be invited. But she isn't. What are gentle suggestions to tell her that her presence is not requested?? Anyone else have this issue?



ETA: She's very close with her mom, they see each other several times/week. Her mom is a nurse (not OB RN, though) and seems to think she's in the know... I guess I am asking about how to word it/deal with it so as to not be hurtful or offensive. Her mom makes comments (at last birth) like "you are not strong enough- you NEED the drugs" ! It seems easy to simply call her after the delivery, but there would be hard feelings that way, too. uhhhgh. I hope it's not this way when my daughters are grown! LOL!

UPDATE:
The baby was born today a few weeks early. Her mom was there and I will find out how everything turned out... should be interesting, anyway. Thanks again for the thoughtful suggestions!
by on Feb. 15, 2008 at 6:59 PM
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Replies (1-8):
wannabeme6
by on Feb. 15, 2008 at 7:21 PM
I never had this problem because I delivered so quickly.  But, at my 3rd deliverary it was just hubby and I and we called everyone after the delivery.  Maybe your friend could do the same.
EuroMomTX
by on Feb. 15, 2008 at 7:53 PM
That seems like an easy one to avoid unless you really live right next door or in the same house? I'd just call with the good news the next day: Guess what! We had the baby last night...

If they openly say they expect to be invited then I'd have to just be honest and say that it's not really a spectator kind of sport but I'd love for you to come over afterwards.

doulala
by Gold Member on Feb. 15, 2008 at 8:25 PM
I should have explained further-- she's very close with her mom, they see each other several times/week. Her mom is a nurse (not OB RN, though) and seems to think she's in the know... I guess I am asking about how to word it/deal with it so as to not be hurtful or offensive. Her mom makes comments (at last birth) like "you are not strong enough- you NEED the drugs" ! It seems easy to simply call her after the delivery, but there would be hard feelings that way, too. uhhhgh. I hope it's not this way when my daughters are grown! LOL! (*JUST ADDED TO OP)
StephandAustin
by on Feb. 15, 2008 at 8:35 PM
I would love for my mother to be in the delivery room with me...but my husband wants it to be just the two of us.  I am fine with that.  My mother would never push the issue.  But, just in case there was ever a question I did explain to her how my husband and I reached a decision together and decided it would just be us.  I was very gentle, told her I know she just wants to support me and I appreciate her want to be there, however, it is not something that we want.  I told her I would love for her to come in the room right after the baby is born, and to be one of the first people to hold her.

Many mothers will use the excuse that they gave birth to you, therefore they should be allowed to be there when you give birth.  My mother can't use that because she didn't give birth to me...but it really doesn't matter.  All mothers want to be there for their daughters...and they all have opinions when it comes to birth.

The best way I can think of is for your friend to validate her mothers feelings, and make sure to tell her mother how she feels.  Honesty really is best.  If the mother truly cares for the well being of her daughter she will respect her decision.  It may seem like a stab in the back if they have the baby and then call her.  She may feel betrayed.  So, it's best to just lay it all out on the table now...then to have to hash it up when the baby is already born.

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

PhilsBabyMama
by on Feb. 15, 2008 at 8:36 PM
Well, I would be honest and just tell her that last time she wasn't supportive or respectful of the way she wanted to have her child, and so this time she is not going to be there.  Or she could take a less combative approach and say she just wants it to be her and her husband.  She could also just let her know the next day and say the baby came to fast for her to call.  Seems like that just may lead to further trouble down the road though if she found out it wasn't the truth.

doulala
by Gold Member on Feb. 15, 2008 at 8:42 PM
~~Thanks, I'll pass these thoughts on to her. Her DH is away and will have to miss the birth :-( so she does have a gaggle of ladies to attend her. (*That could be even harder on her mom to discover later.)
EuroMomTX
by on Feb. 15, 2008 at 9:49 PM

Quoting doulala:

so she does have a gaggle of ladies to attend her. (*That could be even harder on her mom to discover later.)

No kidding. That will be a tough one...

In that case I would be tempted to make it conditional like:
Mom, I really need everybody that's attending the birth to be supportive of my choices. I know it is very difficult for you to understand why such and such is important to me. For example during XYZ's birth I found it very hurtful/unhelpful/distracting that you said such and such.
If you think this is something that you feel strongly about and can not overcome in order to support me the way I need to be supported during my next birth, then maybe it would be best if you come over right afterwards. 

Maybe she will be able to change her ways? Sounds like your friend could use the support of family especially if they are that close. And if her mom continues to make unhelpful remarks then they both know why she won't be attending?

doulala
by Gold Member on Feb. 16, 2008 at 11:09 PM
UPDATE: The baby was born today a few weeks early. Her mom was there and I will find out how everything turned out... should be interesting, anyway. Thanks again for the thoughtful suggestions!
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