The day I never wanted to get to..

[MelbieMom]

 

So it happened, girls. James has reached that awful moment, that impending cloud of freaking doom, that other shoe that finally dropped.  After 11 years with his first heart transplant, he is now in heart failure and in need of another. He has been to the hospital 16 times this year and most recently, the MS ICU. I'm...in a word...shocked.

But HOW can I be shocked? I knew this would happen, I tell myself. I think back to the day that he proposed and I thought momentarily whether I could handle this with him.  Whether he was worth it.  Whether I would make it out the other side as anything close to resembling the young woman I was then. Whether I was strong enough.  At the time, he was three years out from his heart transplant and he was doing remarkably well.  His extreme success with his transplant was the stuff of medical articles and news stories (all of which I kept copies of proudly.)  It was easy to imagine that forever was possible.

And so I did imagine it. I KNEW he was worth it. I knew he was amazing and that I'd never meet someone again with his zest for life that one can only achieve when forced with the reality of its possible loss.  I knew that it was going to be the ride of my life and I couldn't wait.

I kept the same enthusiasm and hope alive when we decided to get pregnant. Not once, but twice.  So Bowen and Gavin became the antithesis to the bad health he began to go through. They were the hope and joy for our darkness and we relished our little moments of laughter and awe at their budding genius.

We felt he could survive and weather anything, even as he had two hip surgeries to replace the ones that his Prednizone had detoriated and destroyed.  He walked, therefore, for a year on two broken legs and even bore the pain while nursing me through my second c-section.  Unfortunately, they also had to take him off of his heart meds while they did the procedure, which, eventually, led to where we were a week ago-In the ICU and being told that we had done it. We had reached the end of this transplant and James would be relisted for another and they were so very sorry.  The doctors had now known and loved James for eleven years, they had celebrated our wedding, and our two boys, and now to look into their sorrowful faces was terrifying. This was it, eh?  It had finally come.

James's chances would be said to be about 1 in a million the first time he got a heart transplant due to his extremely high level of antibodies. I pale to consider how much worse the odds are when faced with a second transplant and can't get a straight answer from the doctors. Could lightning strike twice?

He's in the hospital today still with possible chances of coming home monday, but the reality is that he will be back again.  He will teeter totter back and forth between here and the hospital and life and death until he gets his transplant.  Can he make it? I make myself believe so. I make myself strong and hopeful (naive?) as a 19 year old girl wondering whether or not she should let herself invest in this wonderful man. 

Man, am I going to need you guys.  No one else can understand how terrified I am. How brave I have to be. How much I'll have to take or how patient. I'm ready...I know I am...but I'm going to need support.

I haven't been to this board in years. Not since I was pregnant with Gavin, but somehow it was you guys I thought of when I needed someone who understands.  Someone who's tired like me and strong like me. 

I feel better already...

Melissa

 

 

 

 

[teamquinn]

Wow, I don't know how much help I can be.  I've never walked exactly where you are.  But I can promise you one thing, I will be here to listen and to try to understand. 

I really find myself speachless as to what to say to comfort or help.  But thoughts and prayers are being sent your way.  Post as often as you need.  I'm on almost everyday.

Your friend,
Kim