Dang. I can't shake it. I can't shake it. Tomorrow is his difibrilator surgery and I'm all of a sudden seizing up with that..."what if...what....if...what if its...tomorrow? today? What if it's soon? What if...What if....What if...I lose him?" You know.. You've felt it. You look at him and he gives you that look that you've memorized a hundred times and you know that you'll save it for that moment that he's gone and you'll go back to that look that he gave you a hundred times and feel that shot through the spine like a bullet because you'll miss him so bad.
The baby won't stop crying. Is it an omen? I'm freaking out!!!
So okay...I AM freaking out. Textbook case of a freak out. What do I do? Read the bible? Surf the channels? Try to call? Call who? I can't call him at 1:40 in the morning. The hospital won't take the call. What would I say? "Do you feel like its today? Are you going to die today? Is today one day too long to wait for a heart?" Definately a textbook freak-out moment. Breathe, mel. Freaking....breathe. It isn't fair. It isn't fair to lose him like this. To watch myself lose James for years. Not a day...not a week...not one year, but years. He's been slipping and losing and climbing and falling and losing and slipping and climbing and ....dying..for years.
I wish I was just a little stronger today. Maybe....tomorrow will be better. I should pray. I know I should, but it feels so desperate. As though I were a telemarketer and He knows the reason for my call and He knows that all I want is for James to live to see my boys graduate. They're just babies...
Yeah...I'm gonna pray, girls. Oi.
Oh my dear friend,
This is the time when I wish I had something to say that was both wise and compassionate, or even better magic, that would make everything right in your world. But alas I don't. So I send ((((hugs)))) and prayers for both of you.
Kim Q
Thank you so much. It's nice to just put it somewhere, girls. somewhere safe where no one can get to it and worry about it and change it or berate me. Thanks for just...reading. So it does exist somewhere other than the confines of my crazy head.
I got dressed up today. White sweater and thick brown belt with matching high heel boots and dangly gold ear rings. I'm dressed up like I was going shopping, but all I'm doing is sitting in an empty hospital room waiting for James to get back from this surgery.
Please God. Please keep helping. Don't give up on us yet.
Breathe, sweetie. How did the surgery go? I am praying for you and your family. Are you feeling a little better now? I'm sorry it took me a few days to get this.
I think, when we're feeling like that, one of the very best things to do IS to pray. The Holy Spirit can give us a peace that passes understanding. He can give comfort and strength. Hang on to that, hun. And no matter what happens, we are here for you :)
COPD
- MelbieMom
on Dec. 16, 2009 at 2:46 AM