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A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

Posted by on Aug. 25, 2009 at 9:16 PM
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A WOMAN'S WEEK  AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is  something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who  ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.


Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased  a week of personal training at the local health club for  me.  Although I am still in great shape since being a high  school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would  be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal  trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a  26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic  clothing and swim wear.  My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get  started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

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MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but  found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club  to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek  god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white  smile. Woo Hoo!!  Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his  aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!  Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my  gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he  was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

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TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out  the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy  iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs  were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full  mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!!  It's a whole new life for me.

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WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the  toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.  I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.  Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams  bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky  for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets  this nasally whine that is VERY annoying..  My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put  me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a  machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by  elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and  enjoy life. He said some other crap too.


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THURSDAY:
A**hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth  exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full  snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it
took me that long to tie my shoes.  He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not  looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny skank to find me.  Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine --  which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
I hate that b#@&%#  Christo more than any human being has  ever hated any other human being in the history of the  world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor!!  If there was a part of my body I could move  without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.  Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have  any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,  don't hand me the damn barbells or anything  that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and  nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone  softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

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SATURDAY:
> Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up  today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my hammer; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight  hours of the Weather Channel.

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SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today  so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will  also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I  still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

by on Aug. 25, 2009 at 9:16 PM
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teamquinn
by Group Admin on Aug. 25, 2009 at 11:08 PM

If you can read that without laughing check your pulse....love it. 

If there was a part of my body I could move  without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.  

I love this line!

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