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How do you tell your Adoptive Parents you want to search for your Birth Parents without hurting them.

Posted by on Mar. 4, 2011 at 3:17 PM
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This is a letter from an Adoptee to her parents. It's so lovely I can't imagine they were hurt. I hope it gives you some ideas:

A Letter to My Adoptive Parents

by Tina M. Musso © 1998

I love you. Thank you for everything you have done for me since you brought me into your home. I need your help and understanding today. After a lot of thought and soul searching, I have decided to search for my biological past. I debated long and hard about this decision. The desire to search is not meant to hurt or reject you. This is not spiteful. You have been there for me since I was a small child. YOU are my parents. No one could ever take that away.

However, there is a need to find out where I came from, to hear what name I was given at birth, to see someone who looks like me. If we do not turn our backs to one another, there is a chance that we can become closer. At the least, do not deny me my right to search for my past.

It is difficult to explain why an adoptee suddenly has a need to search. Each person and each circumstance is different. For some, it might be due to a health condition, while for others, it might be the specter of having children of their own without knowing what they might be facing. For me, it comes down to finding that missing piece that I left in a hospital 30 years ago.

A search is draining, with a lot of time and energy devoted to chasing phantasms. The two things that I really need from my parents are support and understanding. I am not asking for money or time, just a continuation of the love that helped me turn into the great person I am today.

The two of you have been there for me almost from the start. When my search is complete, I doubt that all my questions will be answered or the gaps in my soul will be totally filled. There is a strong possibility that the search may take a long time, it may end badly, either due to death or another rejection.

You were there for me when I had the chicken pox and when I had poison ivy. Please let me know that you will be there this time, no matter what the outcome.

You wiped my tears when I did not get asked to the seventh grade dance. Please say that you are alright with my search.

You walked me down the aisle when I got married. Walk with me now, into my past. Tell me what you know and how it happened.

You chose to bring me into your home with love and compassion. Please stand with me when I seek where I came from to better understand who I am today.

I am scared and need my mom and dad. The people I am looking for are my ancestors, but not my parents. They are total strangers who happen to share the same genetic makeup. Unfortunately, like any other family member, I cannot choose who brought me into this world. They may not want me, but you always have. Please want me now, as well.

This is the toughest decision I have ever made. I love you and do not wish to harm you. I need you now more than ever. Please, do not turn your back on me. You probably do not understand why I am doing this. Neither do I, but I must. My quest would be lonelier if I had to walk this road by myself.

With all my Love, Your Daughter Tina

Anyone else have a successful talk with their parents?

by on Mar. 4, 2011 at 3:17 PM
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Replies (1-4):
vampporcupine
by Member on Mar. 4, 2011 at 3:54 PM

 Wow, what a wonderful letter. I think its great that you posted this as it may provide an excellent template for anyone that is wanting to search for thier natural family.

onethentwins
by Group Owner on Mar. 4, 2011 at 4:24 PM

Thanks. I know many Adoptees struggle with this.

susie703
by on Mar. 4, 2011 at 5:06 PM

Yes, this is a great letter.  That was a wise adoptee to spell out all the common worries ap's have, and turn it around to make it a way to support their child!

This really tugged at my heart strings ~ not only do they get to walk with her to her future, they can walk her to her past.  Love it!

You walked me down the aisle when I got married. Walk with me now, into my past. Tell me what you know and how it happened.

Bubbly54
by Member on Mar. 4, 2011 at 7:52 PM

I don't know how an aparent could ever be upset that the child searched for their history after receiving a letter like this.  Beautifully written and it should erase any of the worries that the aparent would have.  I only wish that more aparents would see the wonderful relationship they have with their children, and by embracing the children's past (us) they can have a closer and more open relationship with them.

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