Recommendations for birth relatives written by adult adoptees.

[onethentwins]

I found this on the chosen babies website. It's written by Adult adoptees.  Recommendations for Natural/Birth/First Parents

Be patient and don't back away. Try to indulgle our curosity as things that people who are not adopted take for granted is really opening a whole new world for us and we need to be able to assumulate it into our current lives Own up to your truth as well as your child's truth Be compassionate to us. We may have had a great life or a bad one. You may have relinquished us out of necessity or coercion but this is a big thing for us. Understand we aren't all gold diggers or murderers or stalkers. We want to find a part of ourselves we have never known, to see a face that looks like ours. Share the information you have. Many of us don't have access to accurate records and holding that information because it's painful is painful for us too. Don't make us beg or plead for our information and don't hold it over our heads either. Understand that many of us consider the people who raised us our parents. Don't disparage them to us. If you have relinquished and not reunited, please give any medical information to the agency as soon as you can and keep it updated. This information doesn't just affect us, but our children and theirs as well. Temper any expectations on what is expected of us...ie..being YOUR child, telling us that we should be thankful we wern't aborted. Stand in your own pain as I am having to stand in my own pain as a result of the circumstances Don't harbor guilt about us, it will ony interfere with us getting to know each other. Don't refer to us as the "one mistake" you made back in the day. Please don't keep us a secret. Your brothers, sisters, children, and parents are our blood too. We are both going to feel emotionally overwhelm from time to time. When this happens, find someone to talk to about it: clergy, friend, psychologist, support group; however, do not "lash out" at me and say you would rather the reunion have not occurred. All this does is confuse and frustrate things further, and could lead to greater distance and deeper wounds being created. Don't hide the name of our fathers/mothers if you have it. Whatever the relationship you had with them doesn't affect that they are our father/mother and we should be allowed to find them if we wish. After all, they have half our history too. Giving us up isn't the end of the story. While we understand there may have been extenuating circumstances the first time, the second time there shouldn't be. Don't reject us. Protect and stand up for your children's civil rights. Speak out for equal access to original birth certificates whenever possible. Especially make it clear to the agency involved with your adoption that you SUPPORT equal access.

http://chosen-babies.com/recommendNP.htm

[PortAngeles1969]

Very powerful!

Adoptees do not stay "little children" forever.  While there was a time when others made decisions for us.....we do deserve the same rights as other adults in terms of our relationships with others!

[AdriaD]

Powerful and interesting.  It helps me to see from the Adoptee's side.  I am, however, confused by number 3.

What do other's think it means?

Adria

[PortAngeles1969]

Quoting AdriaD:

Powerful and interesting.  It helps me to see from the Adoptee's side.  I am, however, confused by number 3.

What do other's think it means?

Adria

I would guess that #3 means that birthfamilies should own up to the truth behind whatever the factors were beind the relinquishment of the adoptee.

For example, in my case it does not really give my daughter much comfort for me to go on and on about how I believe that I could have raised her myself if I had a different level of support to do so.  While that IS how I feel - that simply does not change what the decision was at that time.  The truth for both of us is that the decision was what is was (and that there is absolutely nothing either or us can do at this point and time to undo that decision). 

To stand in our truth's is to acknowledge the pain that we have both endured because of adoption but instead of focusing on the past, to look forward to what we may share together now.

[onethentwins]

For some birth mothers, particularly those from the 50's to the 70's,
getting pregnant was very shameful for them, as well as giving their own baby away, and they may have hidden their truth from every one including their parents and their spouses and children.

Talking about the truth of what happened can be very hard for them to do. But, they owe it to their relinquished children to talk about what happened.

[Anne28]

Quoting onethentwins:

Talking about the truth of what happened can be very hard for them to do. But, they owe it to their relinquished children to talk about what happened.

I think this is a matter of opinion though...i think if done in good taste and is positive.  In other words, if a child who was relinquished was done because the birthmother/father didn't want anything to do with them/didn't love them, I don't know if the whole truth is necessary.  I wouldn't volunteer that sort of information if that is where it stands.  Rape?  If a birthmother was raped and relinquished her child, I don't know if that is necessary to give the entire story.  However, if the adoptive child came right out and asked, I wouldn't want to lie either.

Just my opinion but I wouldn't lie either.  When my son asked me questions, he didn't so much ask "why."  He was more into what my life was like back then. So if he was to ask, "why", I would in my case tell him what he wanted to know because my situation wasn't due to not loving or wanting him.  I just wouldn't want to add more grief and doubt to a child that I relinquished and am trying to build a relationship with. 

Anne

[AdriaD]

Quoting PortAngeles1969:

I would guess that #3 means that birthfamilies should own up to the truth behind whatever the factors were beind the relinquishment of the adoptee.

For example, in my case it does not really give my daughter much comfort for me to go on and on about how I believe that I could have raised her myself if I had a different level of support to do so.  While that IS how I feel - that simply does not change what the decision was at that time.  The truth for both of us is that the decision was what is was (and that there is absolutely nothing either or us can do at this point and time to undo that decision). 

To stand in our truth's is to acknowledge the pain that we have both endured because of adoption but instead of focusing on the past, to look forward to what we may share together now.

Very interesting!  And that is exactly how I feel.  Why is it then, that many seem to (for lack of a more sophisticated term) wallow in the guilt and anger?  Do you think that it is just because they are at a different stage?

If this is so, what can *we* who seem to be past that stage, or in a "better space" do to help them get beyond this point?

[JESSEMOM]

Quoting onethentwins:

For some birth mothers, particularly those from the 50's to the 70's,
getting pregnant was very shameful for them, as well as giving their own baby away, and they may have hidden their truth from every one including their parents and their spouses and children.

Talking about the truth of what happened can be very hard for them to do. But, they owe it to their relinquished children to talk about what happened.

This is what my birth mom went through.  Then everyone blamed me on another guy.  Nobody told me the story at first.  I figured out something was going on and asked my birth mom.  She was honest but the rest of the family never would speak about it.  my birth dad never came clean and admitted to having sex with birth mom.  That still bugs me today.  I mean they got married 9 months after I was born!  HA!   Then when we met up until now he tells stories but never puts himself into them.   And its the reason my grandmas couldnt have a relationship with me while alive....they were torn up by their own guilt.    I just found out my paternal grandma had a pic of me by her bedside when she passed away!  thats sad. 

[OSU_BULLET]

This says it all.  I am finally glad that, someone put it all into words.  Thank you so very much.

[confused969]

Thank you for posting this-I had no seen it before and it captures so much of what the adoptee is going through when they search and find their birth family. 

[Boo89]

Wow - I couldn't have said it better.