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Recommendations for birth relatives written by adult adoptees.

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I found this on the chosen babies website. It's written by Adult adoptees. 
Recommendations for Natural/Birth/First Parents

  1. Be patient and don't back away.

  2. Try to indulgle our curosity as things that people who are not adopted take for granted is really opening a whole new world for us and we need to be able to assumulate it into our current lives

  3. Own up to your truth as well as your child's truth

  4. Be compassionate to us. We may have had a great life or a bad one. You may have relinquished us out of necessity or coercion but this is a big thing for us.

  5. Understand we aren't all gold diggers or murderers or stalkers. We want to find a part of ourselves we have never known, to see a face that looks like ours.

  6. Share the information you have. Many of us don't have access to accurate records and holding that information because it's painful is painful for us too. Don't make us beg or plead for our information and don't hold it over our heads either.

  7. Understand that many of us consider the people who raised us our parents. Don't disparage them to us.

  8. If you have relinquished and not reunited, please give any medical information to the agency as soon as you can and keep it updated. This information doesn't just affect us, but our children and theirs as well.

  9. Temper any expectations on what is expected of us...ie..being YOUR child, telling us that we should be thankful we wern't aborted.

  10. Stand in your own pain as I am having to stand in my own pain as a result of the circumstances

  11. Don't harbor guilt about us, it will ony interfere with us getting to know each other. Don't refer to us as the "one mistake" you made back in the day.

  12. Please don't keep us a secret. Your brothers, sisters, children, and parents are our blood too.

  13. We are both going to feel emotionally overwhelm from time to time. When this happens, find someone to talk to about it: clergy, friend, psychologist, support group; however, do not "lash out" at me and say you would rather the reunion have not occurred. All this does is confuse and frustrate things further, and could lead to greater distance and deeper wounds being created.

  14. Don't hide the name of our fathers/mothers if you have it. Whatever the relationship you had with them doesn't affect that they are our father/mother and we should be allowed to find them if we wish. After all, they have half our history too.

  15. Giving us up isn't the end of the story. While we understand there may have been extenuating circumstances the first time, the second time there shouldn't be. Don't reject us.

  16. Protect and stand up for your children's civil rights. Speak out for equal access to original birth certificates whenever possible. Especially make it clear to the agency involved with your adoption that you SUPPORT equal access.

http://chosen-babies.com/recommendNP.htm

by on Mar. 21, 2008 at 3:22 PM
Replies (21-27):
rach1217
by Member on Oct. 12, 2010 at 11:36 PM

I really appreciate posts like this right now; a search angel found my daugther for me one week ago... and just like that.. I got an email from her Saturday.. and the reunion begins.. My daughter, Rachel is now 20... she is so lovely, I can't get over it. She seems extremely mature and well adjusted; I want so much to have a wonderful relationship with her... but suddenly feel paralyzed with fear of losing her again... when I JUST found her...

onethentwins
by Group Owner on Oct. 13, 2010 at 1:48 AM


Quoting rach1217:

I really appreciate posts like this right now; a search angel found my daugther for me one week ago... and just like that.. I got an email from her Saturday.. and the reunion begins.. My daughter, Rachel is now 20... she is so lovely, I can't get over it. She seems extremely mature and well adjusted; I want so much to have a wonderful relationship with her... but suddenly feel paralyzed with fear of losing her again... when I JUST found her...


I have also been paralyzed by that fear. In fact I'd like to bet all birth mothers are paralazed by this fear. 4 years later I'm not. I hope that one day you wont feel this. Reunion is terrifying. Hang in there.

If I lost my son again. I think I'd die.

Gracie06
by on Oct. 13, 2010 at 1:09 PM

Thank you for posting this. I think I should print it out and mail to my bio family. This is a great tool to utilize during reunion. Good reunions or bad reunions this list could be of help.

Harboring guilt does interfere with my birthmom and I connecting and that goes for my 3 biological siblings as well. Be truthful. Be honest and do not back away......understand my adoptive family is my family.....be factual .....do not reject us ,but embrace us. Let down your guard and I shall do the same.

Working thru things as I read!

Hannah

 

 

Hannah

brandyl673
by Member on May. 16, 2011 at 6:21 AM

WOW! Reading all this helps me as a birthmom. I know I would love to take my daughter and just be her mom but i know i cant. I know I didnt raise her. I will try really hard to understand that her aparents are her actual parents and not me....That is why it hurts so bad to be a birthmom. We have to be the unselfish ones forever..... :( I do hope that maybe someday she would want to spend a holiday with us but i understand she cant because I really am not her family. God is it hard. The reunion with my daughter so far has been great. We have been bonding...I cant wait to actually meet her face to face. JUNE 4th!!! I need to print these things out so i remember :) THanks for this!

HereWeGoAgain9
by Member on May. 16, 2011 at 7:40 AM
Just copied & pasted this & sent it to my 1mom. It's quite profound. I hope she "hears" something from it. Ty for sharing.
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Bubbly54
by Member on May. 16, 2011 at 10:39 PM


Quoting brandyl673:

WOW! Reading all this helps me as a birthmom. I know I would love to take my daughter and just be her mom but i know i cant. I know I didnt raise her. I will try really hard to understand that her aparents are her actual parents and not me....That is why it hurts so bad to be a birthmom. We have to be the unselfish ones forever..... :( I do hope that maybe someday she would want to spend a holiday with us but i understand she cant because I really am not her family. God is it hard. The reunion with my daughter so far has been great. We have been bonding...I cant wait to actually meet her face to face. JUNE 4th!!! I need to print these things out so i remember :) THanks for this!

Brandy1673 - I wish you all the best when you have your first F2F - it is a surreal experience. Let me know how it goes - I am so excited for you !!!  I had my first F2F with my son nearly 3 years ago, and have had many since, but unfortunately, the "bonded" thing has never happened.  You are right - hurts so bad to be a birthmom.

brandyl673
by Member on May. 17, 2011 at 7:11 AM

Yes I will keep you updated. I will get a picture of us together :)

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