Why wont my mother meet me?

[onethentwins]

As a birthmother it is very hard for me to understand how a mother would not want to reunite with her child.
Here is a link to an article by Carole Anderson titled "Why won't my mother meet me?" http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/why_wont_my_mother.html

[MrsSoup67]

My birthmother would not meet me for 8+ years.  After I found out who and where she was and did not stalk her.  She finally agreed to meet me.  That was almost 9 years ago.

Carpe Diem Baby

[adopteeme]

I'm also an adoptee whos mother didn't want to be found.
My mom placed a contact veto thru the state and court. She would not even provide medical update to me - with her identity protected.

5 years later, I went and found/contacted all her children.  It took another year for my mom to even consider talking to me.  But- it did happen. 

We have been in regular contact now for 6 years. 

Carole's article was very helpful to me as I went thru rejection. 
It helped me to understand more of what my mom might have been going thru, and just knowing that it was possible that she didnt just hate me. 

I learned that she didn't just walk away into the sunset for a happily ever after, either.  She had been  uhh- 'slammed' by adoption too.. 

[desertmom54]

Iam a Firstmom and I dont get why a mother wouldnt want to meet her child, My daughter is 36 years old we have seen each other only once, and it just kills me cause I would love a great relationship with her. I myseldf would like to know why my daughter dosent want to have anything much to do with me???  she also has a son Dustan who called me about 4 weeks ago and we talked for about 2 hours, It was wonderful
Hugs Judy inNM

[JoesGirl]

I'm not in the reunited zone , and I hope you don't mind me snooping on your group.

The reason I read it, is because of a friend who is an adoptee.
We met on another adoption forum - while she was in college, just turning 18.
She is now 21, and is getting to know her natural grandparents.  But still has not met her natural mom - and would like to. 

The last time we talked she commented about her mother "...she's afraid of her own daughter?!"

I've been wanting to talk to her about that, but this article says what I think I was wanting to - and more.

The article was incredible, and yes articulate of much of the pain.


Thank you - all of you for posting and sharing.

-joesgirl

[onethentwins]

Quoting JoesGirl:

I'm not in the reunited zone , and I hope you don't mind me snooping on your group.

All are welcome in this group. Hopefully by the time you do reunite you will have learned what you might encounter and how to avoid some of the pitfalls.
I wish there were more amoms in this group.

[hnsgardens]

As a birthmother, I can tell you only why I am hesitant to meet my child.
I was a child of 16 when I became pregnant. My parents were going through a divorce and my life was turned inside out. I hid my pregnancy, quite well, by the way. My mom didn't "discover" my secret until the middle of my 8th month. I was immediately "sent" to a group home for unwed mothers. I was treated kindly enough, but it was made clear that my only option was to sign the papers after the child was born. Vague threats about huge hospital bills, housing bills that I would have to pay, and not having any place to live. No one tried to tell me anything about other options. After my daughter was born, I decided to keep her. Both my mother and the agency that was supposedly "looking out for me" told me I would be on my own without any help from anyone I knew if I chose to "renig on my promise."  No big surprise, I signed the papers and then did my best to forget the whole ordeal. I had to change schools due to the "rumors" flying about me. It was a nightmare. I spent the next  20 years trying to forget all of it. I don't "hate" my child. I simply have built a life that doesn't include her and I'm not sure that I want to change that. She found me earlier this year. We have been communicating through email. I just don't know that I want it to go any further. She is eager to talk on the phone, meet me, meet the rest of the family... I don't know if I want that or not. I'm leaning towards not. Does this make me a bad person? I have a daughter that I have raised myself. She knows nothing about this. I don't want to damage our relationship, either. Any one have any advice?

[onethentwins]

Quoting hnsgardens:

Does this make me a bad person?

It certainly does not make you a bad person. You've been the good girl that they asked you to be. You tried to forget, move on and get on with your life.  I'm guessing they told you never to tell anyone.

If you open your life and your heart to your first daughter you run the risk of losing her all over again.

I obviously know nothing of you and your second daughters relationship, but I know that most people in her situation are very excited about finding another sibling. Especially if they are an only child. My sons adore each other.

[Southernroots]

You are afraid of how reunion might affect the rest of your life, right? That's normal - especially those of us who never told anyone are terrified that we might receive negative reactions from others.

When I was "found" six years ago by my son, I figured that if he searched for me that something in him needed me. I concerned myself with what he needed. Telling my other children was tough, and for a time it did affect my relationships with them.  Things have improved greatly though, and now I have a good relationship with all three of my children.

I could not deny my relinquished son - no matter how hard it was - no matter what effect it might have on my life. You cannot fake it though, if you do not want to know your child trying to pretend otherwise isn't fair.  BUT, if you are just scared, like most of us were, I believe with all my heart that reunion is worth the risk.

[KathyT55]

As a birth-mom who has just recently been reunited with my daughter and waited for this for the last 32 years, I personally can't imagine a mom not wanting to know her child. But that is me. My daughter has not yet opened up the communication to phone and although I am sure we will meet someday, I don't foresee this for some time. On an emotional level, I would love to meet her and to hold on to her and never let her go again.

On a realistic level, I am not sure at this point in my life how I explain this additional child/person into my life. I am of the era that this was "the secret" and I am not sure how to get beyond this. That is not to say that I wouldn't board a plane tomorrow or welcome her into my life, I just don't know how to do this well. All of my family know about my oldest child and all are happy that we have found her, I guess I don't know how to explain an oldest child to the community.

That my have something to do with your birthmom's hesitation, and not be a reflection on you as a person.

[mrs_lile]

I placed my daughter for adoption a couple of months ago and i know in the future i would love to see her again, but i would be scared of her rejecting me because i didn't keep her, i know she is happier in someone Else's arms than she would be in mine..