any suggestions?

[juscog]

My Husband and i adopted a baby girl from Idaho just 16 days ago.  She was born on 11/10.  This is our first open adoption and we did this privately so we did not really establish any plans as to how many visits per year, phone calls, letters etc.  I did tell the birth mom that I would like to wait 1 year before she sees the baby but if she is having a really difficult time to let me know and we can arrange something.  The birth mom has called me everyday and she just told me that she can not wait that long to see the baby and she will probably be here after the holidays to see the baby.  She did not even ask me, she just told me.  My husband and I went along with all of her plans and let her keep the baby for 4 days after birth and breastfeed the baby and we also babysat her other two kids while she bonded with her newborn that we just adopted and we have been there for her to support her, but we really do wish she would also be there for us too and respect our wishes.  It's a very touchy subject to bring up these matters but i feel we really need to establish some boundaries.  We love the birth mom of our adopted child but we really want to have a healthy relationship and not one that will end up with resentment.  Do you have any suggestions on how we should handle this or any recommendations?

[adoptingmom2007]

From what i have heard from many others in your situation - its the newness of the situation for the birthmom that leads to much more frequent contact in the beginning.  Since it is the holiday season (which for the general public generally leads to depression) it does not surprise me that at this time of year she is more anxious to see the baby.  I would suggest letting her come for a holiday visit (but would not let her breastfeed) and then post the holidays work together to establish a contact plan that works for both of you.

Did the birthmom receive any counseling?  If not you might want to turn her on to someone or a group of folks to talk to.  It might help her.

Good luck. 

[DawnF]

juscog, I encourage you to come and post on the main Open Adoption Support site. If you submit a question it will be posted on the front page and members, which include adoption professionals, adoptive parents as well as birth parents, can share their thoughts with you. The site is at OpenAdoptionSupport.com. I hope you'll come and check it out.

:)
Dawn