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29 year old daughter with mental problems

Posted by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 2:07 PM
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I have not seen my daughter in 4 years, she will nothing to do with me.  She never calls to even make sure her dad & I are ok.  At this point, I don't even know if she is alive or dead.  The last E-mail I received stated that she hated me for what I made her do when she was 12.  It was wrong of me, very very wrong, but I thought I was doing the right thing at the time.  She was way too young to have a baby, so I made her get an abortion.  Which to this day, I have regretted so much.  When she was 11, we found out that she was bipolar, Manic Depressant, & had a drug & alcohol problem. Way to many reason to not have a child at this time. 

Any suggestions on how to renew this relationship?  I have E-mailed her many times telling her that I am sorry but there is no forgiveness.

Thank You

 

Dorothy M. Fox

by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 2:07 PM
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Kristina916
by on Dec. 2, 2009 at 5:50 PM

Hi Dorothy... This is a tough one.  I will try to keep it short.

 First of all, being the age of 11 should be the number one reason to NOT have a baby.  The mental health problems come second.  You did what you had to do at the time, there is no turning back to fix it.  At 11 years old, she would have not been able to make a sound, mature choice, which was proven by her getting pregnant in the first place.  I am bipolar and have been my whole life (which was not diagnosed untill 9 yrs ago) so I can sympathize with what you had to deal with and how she has always felt.  Is she on any medications?  Does/has she taken them properly?  Does she have a therapist, psychiatrist?

My only advice to you is this...  What happened in the past is in the past.  You can grieve for it, you can wish it was different, but nothing will ever be able to fix it.  It is something that you and your daughter have to live with, and I would call it a life lesson.  Somewhere along the way she too should have realized that it would have been VERY hard for her to have had a baby at such a young age.  What's done is done, there is no turning back.  But you have to realize that if she is angry, then it is HER anger and her feelings to deal with it..  Eventually (hopefully) as she matures, she will see the bigger picture and come to you.  You have done all you can, now the ball is in her court.  You can't MAKE anyone change their minds, that is her responsibility.  But you can keep reassuring her that you love her and you will be there for her when she needs you.  You can only say you're sorry so many times, and if it falls on deaf ears right now, then it's not worth it.  The time will come when you two will be able to sit down and talk about it, and when that happens, you both will have to respect eachothers views and feelings.

I have not had contact with my mother for a very long time.  At first, it was my fault.  I didn't want her around me.  It was too toxic for my illness and I was trying to get better.  But now, she has chosen to move on with her own life and has said that "our paths will never cross again".  I believe it is because she can't take responsibility for what she put me through as a child (and there was a sh*t load of stuff), but I do take responsibility for the things I did when I was young.  I have taken the necessarry steps to better myself, to get the help I needed and to make sure that I never let my illness take control of me.  I have sent her countless e-mails, letters and even relayed messages through my brother to no avail.  I have done all I can, just as you have.  Your daughter is still very young.  Keep e-mailing her that you love her, that you think about her and hope that she is safe.  But I think that you shouldn't say your sorry anymore.  Not until you are both able to sit down and talk.  *phew*  This has gotten too long, sorry!  Please keep me posted!

julia_teddybear
by New Member on Dec. 15, 2009 at 8:35 AM

Thank you so very much for the advice, I will try to E-mail her & tell her that I love her & not bring up more hurt. Like you said, in time maybe she will realize & let the past go.

 

I am so sorry about how your mother has been towards you, I know that hurts deeply.  Sometimes, there is just too much water over the bridge & it takes a long time to dry.

 

Let's stay in touch, sorry it took me so long, my family has been sick.  November & part of December was not fun at all.

Thanks so much

 

 

Dorothy M. Fox

cdgoldilocks
by New Member on Jan. 21, 2010 at 1:49 PM

There is not much you can do but to keep the door open.

Your dd is ultimately responsible for the choices in her life. The mistakes she is making now are on HER, not you.

The best thing you can do is to e-mail her from time to time and tell her you love her, and remind her that everything you do for her is with the best of intentions.

2egbhgx.jpg Eleanor Roosevelt image by whatadollx3


A government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take everything you have. -Barry Goldwater

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