I've been a member of this forum for a while. When things are bad, I read it a lot...when they are good I don't. Just being honest. My husband and I got married a few months ago, and at that time, I posted because I knew he had a drinking problem and wasn't sure to go through with the wedding. Well, I got advice to NOT go through with the wedding, but, of course I did. I love him very much and we've had some wonderful times together.
Today he was fired from his job for drinking while at work. It's devastating. He loves his job, and it is very much a part of the local community, so there's added embarassment. This has been brewing over a couple of weeks. The incident happened while I was out of town. I told him that I would stand by him (before we knew whether or not he had a job left) but that if he drank alcohol again I would have to kick him out, even though it would kill me. Tonight when I came home, he seemed like he had been drinking, but denied it (mind you, he drinks beer-he won't give that up, but the little airplane bottles of vodka is what he is supposed to stay away from). I know beer is also part of the problem, but he has not gotten to the point of giving that up. Any way, after he fell asleep on the couch, I had to follow my hunch and found 2 full bottles. I confronted him and told him to leave. He swears he doesn't know about them-they are old. But, I also found 3 empties in the trashcan (trash was just picked up today) . I found 6 other empties in other places. Then he tells me he found the three in the trash can and threw them out today when he found them. I know better. But part of me wants to believe him.
I guess I am just putting this out there. I need strength to follow through on this. I know I do. I don't know what the result will be. But, if I don't do it, the result will be more and more of the same (or worse).
I love him very much. I went against my better judgment (and even better advice) and married the alcoholic I love. Now, I have to step back, let my heart break and hope for the best. Say a prayer.
You have to do what is best for you, but the more you enable him the more you will see this type of behavior continue. We want soooo badly to believe the man that we married, but the facts point towards the truth. We can choose to believe the facts or the other.... .and when we believe the other we doubt ourselves and we become a victim of the disease as well.
Wives of alcoholics who enable are some of the most depressed people out there if they don't take action to take care of themselves... and the kids will only follow suit!
Children of alcoholics are only as healthy as the non-drinking parent.
So sorry hun this has to be so hard-when you take vows for better or worse- this is what they mean, but I also wonder how long you are suppose to try and be there for someone who has addiction issues? Are we suppose to give up all of ourselves,forever? There has to come a time when enough is enough or HE will not be the only one going down. I am sorry and I feel for you.Good luck.
I am sorry to hear things are going bad, if you don't have kids together yet please get on some BC, if I could do it all over again I would've done that, I love my kids very much,but this wasn't the life I had in store for them,so now I have to fix the problem because the kids are the ones who get hurt the most trust me I know. At this moment that i'm typing this my DH is at a bar 30 mins away from here and he is going to drive home. I just hope he gets home safely.
Sugar, we have ALL been there. For me, the breaking point was when I came home from work and he was watching the children and I could smell the alcohol on him. I had tried every deal known to man to work with him on this, and I finally realized, in something like this, it is a all or none situation. I finally had to tell him, "NO alcohol, or we leave." I know, it is a disease and he has to want to quit. BUT, that does not mean that the children and I have to deal with his shit. He either wants us or he doesn't, it is that simple. I would say stand your ground, but allowing the beer is just making it worse. He either gets sober, or he doesn't. PERIOD.
By no means am I bashing you, but I am telling you how it was for me and what I would do so hopefully you can miss out on the years of heartache I dealt with. You will be happy to know we are on 7 months sober. AND LOVING IT
An alcoholic gets drunk on alcohol. It's not ok to allow him to have even one beer. I know that vodka is mean and works faster and more violent, but enough beer can do the same thing. I know you love him, but his chances of getting sober are slim. As hard as it is, you should leave him. Things are only going to get worse. That is how the disease works. You are going to be a very miserable person if you stay with him. If he gets sober after you leave you can re-examine the situation. Oh by the way, my husband used to say he would stay away from the hard stuff and stick to "light beers". His brother is a raging alcoholic and only drinks beer. What a joke!!
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- ks1964
on Nov. 23, 2009 at 11:51 PM