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~I have a 16 year old & I need some advice please~

Posted by on Apr. 14, 2007 at 10:40 PM
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Hi.. I need some advise or something..  I have a 16 year old and I know he is going through the whole teenage thing but I don't know how to say NO to him.  For example, I was saving up for him a car for his 16th b-day, I was only gonna spend about 1500 for his first car, but he ended up finding a 2001 mercury cougar that he just had to have.  I admit, it was beautiful and was a good car, so I ended up taking another 4000 out of my savings and bought it for him with the understanding that it wasn't his until he was 18 and only if he had taken care of the car.  Well, 2 weeks after he got it, he got a speeding ticket for going 87 in a 55.  Then I noticed that on the back end he had hit something and there's a big gash, he says he didn't do it.  I just recently had to get new brakes for it and was told that it would need new tires before long because the tires were wore out and it looked like it had been driven pretty rough, because it's a front wheel drive they said the back wheels shouldn't be ate up like they were unless someone was giving it heck.  My son again denies doing anything wrong.  It's going to cost over 400 for new tires because they are the low performance kind and they say they don't last long either.  He ended up fussing and throwing a fit until I gave him 100 to get something for his car to make it louder, now it sounds like a dump truck pulling up.  The car was quiet and ran great, now it doesn't.  We have had this car since November, I drove it for 2 months before I gave it to him just to make sure it would do ok.  He just got it in Jan. 
He gets 20 a week for snack, etc.  Then on the weekends every time he goes somewhere he gets 20.  Like yesterday, he got 20 to go with a friend, then last night he got 20 when they went somewhere else.  Plus I put 20 in gas yesterday for him.  Then today him and a friend went to town, I gave him 25 for gas and then another 20 for food or whatever.  
I fill his car up every week so he can go back and forth to school, then it's usually filled up for the weekend, plus he gets anywhere between 40 and 60 for the weekend.  I pay his car insurance, it's 125 a month and I pay for anything else the car needs plus anything else he needs.
I figured he gets between 3 and 4 hundred dollars a month, thats just counting gas and spending money.
Oh, and I forgot I also pay his cell phone bill every month which is 70 dollars.
So, you see, I know I am to blame for him being so spoiled, but I can't seem to say NO.  And my pocket book is really thinning quick.  How do I get myself to say NO and stick with it ?
Any help/suggestions would be greatly appreciated... I just don't know what to do...

Thanks... and sorry so long...
by on Apr. 14, 2007 at 10:40 PM
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by Member on Apr. 15, 2007 at 1:00 PM
Hi Tangie!

First I would like you to know I have an 18 yr old son who is a senior in high school.  Then I would like you to know that I have raised to adulthood another 4 children with some fostering in the middle.  I AM NO EXPERT but this is what I know.

Not mean't meanly.... You are creating a "misfit" who will be lieing and abusing into his adulthood.  There are boundaries with no enforced limits.....He will continue this in college/adulthood.  He works for NOTHING so why should he take care of anything.
I am from the tough love when needed school......My 18 yr old this week needed to buy clothes to take his senior pictures.  We have been putting out alot of money for senior things and to "help" him get a car for work/college and also to "help" him get other things like a laptop.  Well the laptop is his birthday/graduation/christmas present.....He gets $10/week for allowance and anything else he gets himself through extra jobs.  He maintains 53 hour week work schedule at taco bell and has a full schedule of classes in high school with a 3.96 GPA. (Just bragging a little =sorry).  He is following in the footsteps of others in our home.  He went looking for the clothes he needed.  He "loved" this $30 shirt..... but he new I would reimburse him for $15 only so he left the shirt in the store and let me know he needed things more than that like gas in his car when he gets it......

It is not too late..................First he only gets allownance, second he gets a job for a few hours a week (You would be surprised what he can do at 16) to help with gas and tell him that the repairs to his car will only be made when he has saved up enough money.  The car is "gone" for his usage.  I would tell him the car was "abused" by someone and since it was in his possession then he is responsible.  He needs to walk, take a bus, and whatever......

If you don't "fix" what you have done, you will be harming him so much more than you already have.....Do this for his sake...Show him a responsible parent.  Are you mom and dad????This makes it harder if you are.  Where is dad????

Please write your thoughts about this suggestion/etc.  Keep picking our brains and bouncing off us.  And we can be here for you.  We can support you...

Meaning well for you and your family
by on Apr. 15, 2007 at 4:13 PM
thank you for your advice.. i know everything that you are saying is so true and i know i need to stick with it, but it is so hard for me to do it for some reason..

to let u all in on a little about our situation.. im not mom, im his cousin, have been his guardian for almost 7 years now.. im only 28 years old and i have basically considered him my own and took care of him since i was 13... finally when i became pregnant with my own child and got my own home, i got his parents to agree to let him live with me.. he never had a steady home before and he was abused, locked in closets, etc.. after i had him for a year i got them to give me guardianship of him...

so for me, i think the reason im like i am is because i know he has had a really tough life and i know that is no excuse, alot of kids are not as lucky as him.. but, i just cant seem to say no to him..

there is no man for him to look up to... my husband, which passed away 6 months ago, was violent with me and he abused me everyday... i did get out of it about 3 years ago, but still was tormented by him.. anyways, its just me, raising my 16 year old cousin and 6 year old son, and also every so often i have my 13 year old cousin when her mom gets tired of being a mom.. im also taking care of my grandfather who is blind and has dementia.. so, sometimes i find myself giving into joey just because im too tired to do otherwise..

by on Aug. 22, 2007 at 3:34 PM
Hi, im 22 , i may seem young to be replying to your post but i want ed to tell you how my parents handled me and my siblings.  They told all of us from a young age that if we wanted a car we would have to get a job and pay for it ourselves.  So when i turned 15 i got a workers permit and i got a job washing dishes and i saved every penny i made.  That december i bought a '95 Honda civic.  It was a black 2 door, and since i had to work to pay for it i appreciated it a lot more then if it had just been givin to me.  My parents didnt give me any money for gas or going out either.  I had to put gas in it, i paid my own insurance and i paid for oil changes and new tires.  Then if i went out anywhere i had to use my own money for that too.  You have spoiled him and he is just going to keep taking advantage of you as long as you let him.  You need to make him get a job and start taking care of his own car, including gas, insurance, oil changes, new tires, etc... and stop rewarding him with more money to go out and enjoy himself.  If you dont stop it now, it is only going to get worse.  Your gonna have a 40 year old son and his wife and kids living with you because he knows that you will always be there to dig him back out of a hole.  Sorry its so long and not tring to be rude, just thought i would share.
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