OK, reading Jess' post on what she would say to her daughters if they were gay about birth control got me projecting. I have a son who I sometimes think is gay. He is an awesome kid and the only thing I would not like about him being gay is the adversity and discrimination he would face.
Well, I was projecting and thinking about him coming out to me. What is the best way to react to someone coming out? I know that there is no right answer. I can only imagine that coming out is one of the hardest things a person can do. What does the person who is coming out need? What would you say? What did people say to you that rocked/sucked?
I have only ever had one person come out to me before. She was a friend in high school. I was not surprised at all and when she came out I think I said something like, "OK. Cool. Do you have a girlfriend?" My friend was kind of hurt that I did not react differently. We never really talked about it because we had just graduated and went our own way. I just felt sop bad that I did not support her. I don't ever want to let anyone down in that situation again. Especially not my son.
What do y'all think? Am I nuts for thinking this way?
Well, I was projecting and thinking about him coming out to me. What is the best way to react to someone coming out? I know that there is no right answer. I can only imagine that coming out is one of the hardest things a person can do. What does the person who is coming out need? What would you say? What did people say to you that rocked/sucked?
I have only ever had one person come out to me before. She was a friend in high school. I was not surprised at all and when she came out I think I said something like, "OK. Cool. Do you have a girlfriend?" My friend was kind of hurt that I did not react differently. We never really talked about it because we had just graduated and went our own way. I just felt sop bad that I did not support her. I don't ever want to let anyone down in that situation again. Especially not my son.
What do y'all think? Am I nuts for thinking this way?
Posted by
on Feb. 22, 2008 at 11:45 PM
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on Feb. 23, 2008 at 12:10 AM
The way I came out, well my ex mother in law took a punch at me....my father disowned me and my friends deserted me...I would have loved nothing more for my high school buddies to say, well Chris that hasn't changed who we knew for over 18 years. We love you anyway you are. But they didn't, they chose a different road.
The right way to react is to just say, well I am glad you are finally living the life you want and deserve. I, as a gay mom I teach my daughter and son daily that it is indeed ok to be gay or different in some people's eyes. So in my opinion making a big deal out of the whole process only brings attention to the fact you may not be completely comfortable with it yourself.
Your not nuts thinking that the wrong response would potentially hurt your son, because it may. If you have a feeling he may be gay already well that will reduce your shock factor. This will give you time to give him a big hug and say all I want is for you to be happy. Nothing will change how I love you and your sexual preference will never define or change who you are to me or anyone else......support and love your children always~! We all love at some point in our life, some people love differently than others. Not having a life of love would be pointless.
The right way to react is to just say, well I am glad you are finally living the life you want and deserve. I, as a gay mom I teach my daughter and son daily that it is indeed ok to be gay or different in some people's eyes. So in my opinion making a big deal out of the whole process only brings attention to the fact you may not be completely comfortable with it yourself.
Your not nuts thinking that the wrong response would potentially hurt your son, because it may. If you have a feeling he may be gay already well that will reduce your shock factor. This will give you time to give him a big hug and say all I want is for you to be happy. Nothing will change how I love you and your sexual preference will never define or change who you are to me or anyone else......support and love your children always~! We all love at some point in our life, some people love differently than others. Not having a life of love would be pointless.
Its a boy!!!!
by
on Feb. 23, 2008 at 8:46 AM
My ex and I had several long discussions over "What would you do if one of the boys "came out" ?"
First of all, I'd be happy that they told me. That to me at least shows that the person trusts me enough.
My kids are my life ~ I want them to be happy & healthy. If one of my kids (or a friend) came "out" and told me, my first honest reaction would be to hug them.
The discrimination & harassment would be hard to deal with. But having a loving and secure family can help, right? I may be totally wrong but I think that my acceptance of my kids lifestyles and the knowledge that their sexuality won't change how I feel about them is important. It goes for pretty much everything, except for crime, of course! If one of my kids told me that they became a member of a different religion, I would be happy that they found the path that is right for them.
We all have to face problems in life, but I think the bigger hurt would be to pretend to be something you are not........
First of all, I'd be happy that they told me. That to me at least shows that the person trusts me enough.
My kids are my life ~ I want them to be happy & healthy. If one of my kids (or a friend) came "out" and told me, my first honest reaction would be to hug them.
The discrimination & harassment would be hard to deal with. But having a loving and secure family can help, right? I may be totally wrong but I think that my acceptance of my kids lifestyles and the knowledge that their sexuality won't change how I feel about them is important. It goes for pretty much everything, except for crime, of course! If one of my kids told me that they became a member of a different religion, I would be happy that they found the path that is right for them.
We all have to face problems in life, but I think the bigger hurt would be to pretend to be something you are not........
by
on Feb. 23, 2008 at 9:24 AM
I also had a friend come out to me after high school. The way she'd set me up to tell me, I was relieved to hear that she was gay since I thought she was about to tell me she was dying of cancer or something really horrible.
I think it depends so much on the child. My husband and I are very open about our belief that there's nothing wrong with different sexual orientations. I hope that by raising children in a home where it's just not a big deal whether you like boys or girls, it will be easier on them if they are gay or bisexual.
I had two coworkers with gay sons and both of them were totally accepting and loving toward their kids. They were just comfortable with and loved their children for who they were.
I think it depends so much on the child. My husband and I are very open about our belief that there's nothing wrong with different sexual orientations. I hope that by raising children in a home where it's just not a big deal whether you like boys or girls, it will be easier on them if they are gay or bisexual.
I had two coworkers with gay sons and both of them were totally accepting and loving toward their kids. They were just comfortable with and loved their children for who they were.
Laura
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by
on Feb. 23, 2008 at 9:41 AM
Quoting ChrisandLiz:I am so sorry that your family and friends reacted that way!! I don't understand that type of reaction. I know that there are people out there who think that homosexuality is wrong, but I just don't feel that way. I have a hard time understanding how anyone's feelings could change towards a loved one because they came out. I mean, they are still the same person they always were. They are just now brave enough to be honest and open about who they are.
The way I came out, well my ex mother in law took a punch at me....my father disowned me and my friends deserted me...I would have loved nothing more for my high school buddies to say, well Chris that hasn't changed who we knew for over 18 years. We love you anyway you are. But they didn't, they chose a different road.
We have always let our guys be who they are. My older son LOVES kitty cats and the color pink. He has kitty cat stuff all over his room, and gets to pick out pink toys (or whatever he wants). When he was 2 and 3 and I'd do my nails for work, he would pick out nail polish and ask me to paint his nails too. So we'd sit and talk while I did our nails. It was such a nice way to pass the time. We'd sit and talk and hang out.
When we talk about the guys as grown ups, we let them guide the conversation. We talk about if you want to get married, that is fine, if you don't that is OK, if you want to be a dad, great, if not, that is wonderful...We try to let them know that as long as they are happy, healthy, and nice to others, that is all we want for them. Whatever makes them happy is fine by us.
Thanks for your answers.
by
on Feb. 23, 2008 at 2:58 PM
I think you can lay out the path to make it easier for him: by having family dinner discussions about gayness: the good and the bad ways for families to accept kids who are gay. Talk about some of your friends: whose parents were NOT supportive or kicked them out.
Talk about other friends (can be hypothetical) who embraced their gay kids and supported them, and helped them. Then say that you really admire how the second parents acted...and that's really how you and DH feel.
And that no matter what....it is all about how you love and accept your children...no matter what. Then if and when he is ready to tell you....He won't be so freaked out. And you will have laid out the path...and it will be so much easier for him!!!
He will tell you, when he feels ready.
Talk about other friends (can be hypothetical) who embraced their gay kids and supported them, and helped them. Then say that you really admire how the second parents acted...and that's really how you and DH feel.
And that no matter what....it is all about how you love and accept your children...no matter what. Then if and when he is ready to tell you....He won't be so freaked out. And you will have laid out the path...and it will be so much easier for him!!!
He will tell you, when he feels ready.
by
Group Owner
on Feb. 25, 2008 at 11:45 AM
Quoting Abundance:
I think you can lay out the path to make it easier for him: by having family dinner discussions about gayness: the good and the bad ways for families to accept kids who are gay. Talk about some of your friends: whose parents were NOT supportive or kicked them out.
Talk about other friends (can be hypothetical) who embraced their gay kids and supported them, and helped them. Then say that you really admire how the second parents acted...and that's really how you and DH feel.
And that no matter what....it is all about how you love and accept your children...no matter what. Then if and when he is ready to tell you....He won't be so freaked out. And you will have laid out the path...and it will be so much easier for him!!!
He will tell you, when he feels ready.
I know that's probably a good idea (if your kids are pre-teens or teens...younger kids wouldn't get it), but when I was reading it, all I could think of was that Simpsons episode where Homer was telling Bart, basically, that he'd love him if he was gay or not, and it ended with Bart saying "Dad thinks I'm GAY???"
I mean, if your kid ISN'T really gay, this kind of conversation could be a little weird...
Annie, did your friend ever tell you WHY she didn't think your reaction was appropriate? I mean, I would think that unquestioning acceptance would be just what I needed in that case, and it seems like that's all you tried to provide her. Not making a big deal out of it, not putting her under the microscope about it, just accepting and going on because it's NOT a big deal. Unless she was TRYING to shock and awe, and got upset that you didn't take the bait????
by
on Feb. 28, 2008 at 5:36 PM
Quoting BigMommaJesca:Both my boys are pre-sexual so we want to be mellow on the sexual aspect of things. I will just throw out some causal remarks now. Like we were on a walk today and he said something about 2 boys can't get married. I said that they can in some places and that I think boys should be allowed to marry boys and girls should be allowed to marry girls. But we were walking the dog and I was carrying a bag of pooh, so the conversation then went back to the pooh bag - ahhh, boys.
I know that's probably a good idea (if your kids are pre-teens or teens...younger kids wouldn't get it), but when I was reading it, all I could think of was that Simpsons episode where Homer was telling Bart, basically, that he'd love him if he was gay or not, and it ended with Bart saying "Dad thinks I'm GAY???"
I mean, if your kid ISN'T really gay, this kind of conversation could be a little weird...
Annie, did your friend ever tell you WHY she didn't think your reaction was appropriate? I mean, I would think that unquestioning acceptance would be just what I needed in that case, and it seems like that's all you tried to provide her. Not making a big deal out of it, not putting her under the microscope about it, just accepting and going on because it's NOT a big deal. Unless she was TRYING to shock and awe, and got upset that you didn't take the bait????
My friend never said why she was upset by my reaction. At the time, her coming out was no big deal to me. She was still the same person she always was. I mean, I thought even is she didn't tell me before that she liked girls, she still did. That was part of who she was and she was my friend.
Now, I understand from listening to people's coming out stories, that it is a very hard thing to do. Maybe she wanted more support. I'm not sure. She came out after high school graduation and we only saw and spoke to each other once after that. Life just kind of happened....
by
on Feb. 29, 2008 at 2:47 AM
So, I read all the posts first, and the other Mamas said some great stuff! I just wanted to chime in and say that when I came out to my mom, she got defensive and asked me if I thought she was "stupid and didn't know". It was obvious she took it personally...which is a whole other story, but it felt really uncomfortable, when i was sharing something with her. The only thing I'd say is more what not to say...unless he comes out and asks "hey, did you ever think, ever know?" ...then I would say something about that.
The fact that you've put some thought in to it now, is amazing. It makes me so happy to think that parents actually consider these things and look at how they can be supportive and nurturing about sexuality in a way that wasn't as common in the past.
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- annieeggplant
on Feb. 22, 2008 at 11:45 PM