Question for the divorcees

[BigMommaJesca]

Today, I hitched a ride with a lady who was in the process of getting a separation from her husband.  She also mentioned her 8th grade son.  That's about how old my brother was when my parents split.  I just can't wrap my head around it.

I get it when you try for a couple of years, realize you were never right for each other, then call it off.  People make bad decisions all the time, and a couple of years is a good sportin effort before you throw in the towel on something that just wasn't right to begin with.  But to stay together for upwards of 13 years...I mean, how do you fall out of love after all that time? 

The idea of that being possible worries me.  I'm crazy about my husband, and vice versa, but we fight a lot.  I chalk up most of our problems to immaturity, and we both feel that as we grow, together, and get to know each other better, and learn to respond to one another's needs over the years, we'll only improve.  We can't imagine not wanting to be with each other.  But obviously, everyone ELSE felt that way, too, at some point, or that whole "I do" thing never would have happened.  In most cases, anyway. 

So how does it happen?  How do two people who love each other enough to spend their whole lives together just...stop?

[GothicReverie]

I have been divorced twice and I wish I had a good answer your question.  I know what happened the first time.  I married a man when I was eighteen because I felt indebted to him for helping me out in rough time.  I know it was a stupid thing to do, but eighteen-year-olds do stupid things sometimes.  He's a decent guy and everything, but I finally realized what I had done and that we would never be happy together. So, I called it off.  It was a very rocky marriage in that we had nasty fights constantly.

My second marriage was for intoxicating, overwhelming love.  It was a fairy tale-- for one year.  Then I guess my husband got bored.  He kept going out all hours with his alcoholic best friend, then doing drugs behind my back...He eventually started asking for kinklier and kinkier sex, which I tried to participate in but it was just too much for me.  I became angry and resentful and lashed out at him after a couple of years of this.  He used that as an excuse to have an affair with a cocaine user.  He lied and lied to me about it and when the truth finally came out, I still tried to make the relationship work.  After two more years of angst and failed counseling (the therapists told me to leave him and I wasn't ready to do that), things were finally looking up.  Then I got an anonymous phone call from one of his co-workers, claiming that he was having another affair.  I flipped out for a week or two but even after that, I was going to try and work things out because I desperately did not want a second divorce, I still loved the man I married (although now I'm pretty sure that man was a facade,) and I didn't want to traumatize the children.  After a couple more weeks, he decided on a whim to divorce ME. 

I hope I have at least figured out the error of my ways.  I believe that I was attracted to men who were no good for me and that I should never ignore my instincts again (I knew deep down that my 2nd husband was being unfaithful WAY before he admitted it to me-- and then, only after I snooped around for proof.)

 

I hope this helps, but I doubt it. 

[BigMommaJesca]

Quoting GothicReverie:

I hope this helps, but I doubt it. 

Actually, it kind of does.  It seems like in both cases, it was pretty apparent in a relatively short amount of time that the relationship was heading downward.  (You didn't give a specific amount of time in the first one, but I got the impression that it wasn't long after the "I dos.")  Now, I'm curious about whether it was this way for EVERYONE, or what?

The reason I'm curious:  I've always heard "The first year is the hardest."  Our first year was pretty awful, alright.  But we've come a LONG way since then.  I'd like to think that we're going to continue to make our way up.

Now of course, just because someone else in here says "Oh man, we were disgustingly in love with each other for about 10 years before it went downhill" doesn't mean it will happen to me, but the simple "___% of marriages fail" statistics don't tell you where it usually goes wrong.  I'd like to know if we've beaten the odds, you know?  (We dated for a couple of years, and have been married for a couple of years.  Still newlyweds, in the big picture.)

[CrystalRenee34]

I know it is probably not this way for many people, but I have been married and divorced twice and both of my ex-husbands still love me - and I still love them.

My first marriage was right out of high school. We were in love. Then he decided to go into law enforcement and climbed his way up the career ladder while I stayed at home with two children.  When we had been married about 5 years, I got a "feeling" that he was having an affair.  At our 8 yr anniversary party, a lady was openly flirting with him. He had made it to sargent.  We got along great and he is a wonderful father.  He treated me like a queen.  But I knew he was having "flings" on the side.  So I told him, " I am leaving you.  But not yet.  First you will continue to support me and the children, pay all the bills, and buy me a new car for reliable transportation because I am going back to school.  After I graduate and get a full time job with benefits, then I am leaving".  So I did.  We had a very amicable divorce and are still best friends to this day.  We were married 11 years.

My second marriage was to a georgeous desert storm army tank gunner that was sexy as hell.  He rocked my world and I was totally in love with him.  After 3 months of dating him I was surprised to learn I was pregnant.  He had custody of 2 boys from his previous marriage.  He did not want any more babies.  However, I was thrilled.  I had my career on track and owned my own house.  I had the baby and he lived in another town with his two boys.  They had multiple behavior disorders (the two boys).  But they spent so much time with me, we grew closer. He had fallen totally for our pretty baby girl.  Then I got layed off from my job and couldn't afford the Cobra health insurance.  I was on unemployment but needed health care for myself and my baby.  He had a good job with great benefits so I finally agreed to marry him. (I know it's a bad reason).  Our baby was 8 months old at our wedding.  His boys drove me up a wall.  I'm a wonderful mother, but felt overwhelmed with the 5 children and full-time job that I got a month after the wedding.  Sex was the best thing about our marriage.  It was like a chemical reaction that just "clicked" whenever we were in the same room.  When Ashley was 2, we agreed to go our seperate ways.  We still love each other, but I made the right decision, because things got worse over the years (with his boys)and now as teens, they are in Juvenile facilites due to violent and defiant behavior. Our baby is 9 now, so we have loved each other for more than a decade.

I don't know how people fall out of love after many years either.  I never have.

[Guinhyvar]

hm... well, does five years of marriage count as long enough to answer this? That's how long I was married to my first husband. We were never really a good match, and I honestly think that we got married because we were both really horny and  we both wanted to be "grown-ups" (I was 21 and he was 19). I had lived on my own before, but he hadn't. I had a baby already, and he really liked to see himself as the man who took on a woman and her babe. We were pretty naive and kinda dumb about the whole thing. Neither of us had a clue as to how to make a marriage work. The idea of compromise was a foreign one for him; I was the eternal doormat.

There's more to it than that (isn't there always?) but in short, we just brought out the worst in each other. It got to the point where my love for him had waned and was a weary, ragged out thing that barely resembled the fierce passion I had had for him at one point. It came to the point where the ends just didn't justify the means anymore.

So I ended it.

My ex's parents were married for 22 years and had 7 children together when they split. From what I know, their's was never an easy relationship. Both are VERY Mormon and I think they stayed together in a miserable marriage for so long because of their religion. I will say that I think his dad, my former FIL, has serious emotional issues and was quasi-abusive emotionally to his wife and children. I guess she just had enough and called it.

My husband and his first wife were married for ten years. She cheated on him. They split up. In all of it's complicated'ness, it was pretty simple why they divorced.

I think that in many cases, people grow and evolve and sometimes, their relationship can't keep up. It doesn't mean that they were all wrong for each other from the get-go; I believe it means that they were right for each other THEN. Sometimes, sadly, that changes.

[Hippiemama98]

idk if i can answer your question, but i do have something to add here...my ex-husb. used to tell me all the time that as long as we loved each other everything would work out fine. (all you need is love ~ where have i heard that before?) well, i did love him, and i know he loved me, but in the end that wasn't enough. (we were together for five years) i suppose maybe his concept of 'love' was totally different than mine, but what i've learned in retrospect is this: no matter how much love two people have for each other if one (or both) of them isn't willing (or able) to put 100% effort into making their marriage (or union, partnership, or commitment of any sort) work, chances are it's not going to. it's SO not just about love. when you commit yourself to another person you're promising so much more to them ~ respect, trust, honesty, support, companionship....it certainly takes a lot of 'work' to be in a committed relationship, but that's the only way to make it happen.

i think the american concept of 'love' changed drastically between our parents' generation and ours (the former being the 'baby boomers' ~ i realize we're not all the same age in this group...) people used to arrange marriages for their kids, or if an 'unplanned' pregnancy happened a marriage was just expected, and that was accepted as 'normal'. people made it work because that's just the way it was. now it's 'normal' to profess your love to someone else just because you're drunk and horny, get married just for the hell of it, and get divorced a few years later because you didn't feel like putting in the effort anymore. the sanctity of marriage just isn't what it used to be. it's sad, but that's reality.

i guess the point i'm trying to make is that if you want a relationship to last you just have to be willing to work at it. and within the first year or two you should be able to tell if your partner is willing to do the same. if you're not on the same page there, i don't think there's any point in sticking around and dragging it out. 'love' in the traditional sense is just a faerie tale, it has little to do with making a marriage work out.

[Guinhyvar]

Quoting Hippiemama98:

 no matter how much love two people have for each other if one (or both) of them isn't willing (or able) to put 100% effort into making their marriage (or union, partnership, or commitment of any sort) work, chances are it's not going to. it's SO not just about love. when you commit yourself to another person you're promising so much more to them ~ respect, trust, honesty, support, companionship....it certainly takes a lot of 'work' to be in a committed relationship, but that's the only way to make it happen.

I agree with this, absolutely. Any relationship or commitement definitely requires effort and work. In my salad days, when I didn't know any better, I thought that the saying "marriage is hard work" was so dumb. I didn't get what that entailed, and in my not-so-enlightened opinion, I thought that "Love Was Enough".

I learned a very different lesson.

 

[GothicReverie]

I totally agree with the previous two posts.  My current marriage began after almost a year of dating and cohabitating and was decided upon the day before because we wanted a better tax return.  That's right.  We did love each other but the marriage was one of convenience and it has been three great years since!  I know that doesn't guarantee that it will last but nothing does.

My 1st marriage was after almost a year and a half of dating and almost a year of cohabitation but it was built on a rocky foundation, as I said and lasted three years-- with several separations (one for six months) during those three years.  So, as I said, it was always rocky as well.

My 2nd marriage was after over six months dating and only a month or so of cohabitation.  It officially lasted seven years.  However, the trouble started in the second year, there was a short separation after 3-4 years and the last year we were already separated and just waiting for all the paperwork to go through.

My current marriage is much stronger and it's because we WORK at it.  Someone always swallows their pride if there is a big fight in order to salvage the relationship and it's not always the same person, of course.  The biggest thing is trust, though.  After my second husband, I had troubles trusting anyone.  My current husband is the most loyal human being I have ever met and you can tell that he is by the way he treats his family and friends.  I know he will never betray me.  We take care of each other in our own ways.  Like I said, the men I was attracted to before were no good for me.  He was not my type at all but won me over and  I am glad that he did!

Also, my parents divorced after 25 years of marriage.  They were always fighting and didn't sleep in the same room for the last few years.  I found out afterwards that my father had affairs.  I was always begging them to split up because they made me miserable but they stayed together all that time "FOR me."

[ChrisandLiz]

Well I turned Lesbian!!! ah ha...

[VegMom423]

Interesting post for me to be reading tonight... Technically, I'm separated (just shy of 5 years of marriage) though we share a home and are raising our child(ren) together.  I still haven't figured out how to make it right.  All I know is that right now, I'm really being blamed for all of our problems.  I only hope we can work through it before our kid(s) understand that other married people don't sleep in separate bedrooms and areaffectionate with one another.

[mystica97]

People.... change. There is the best answer I can give you. I was married twice. One was when I was just 17, the 2nd was at 22. I was married to my first one 7 years. I grew up, he didn't. I fell out of love, because frankly, it really DOES take two.

My gram was a marriage counselor for many many years, and she will tell you that the most common reason is that our society today emphasizes the "fairy tale" love, so when we feel disenchanted, we move on, because well, if you aren't madly in love, it's time for a change, right? I happen to disagree with this mentality as an adult, but I bought into it as a young woman.

It happens that a couple SHOULD split though, on occasion. Sometimes it's just a matter of growing into two separate directions. Whenever you mix two people, you run this risk.

No one is "safe" from it, it happens. It's a matter of having TWO people both willing to go to the ends of the earth to MAKE it work. Otherwise, one partner ends up giving more, getting resentful and moving on.

It's sad, but sometimes, it really CAN be better to move on. However, if it's only because things are not "passionate" any longer, you are better off to find a GOOD counselor, and work on bringing that passion back in.

Just my 2 cents.